I got bad news last night from my parents.  I always know when it is bad news ~sighs~.

 

My cousin died yesterday.  His teenage son found him when he came home from school.  He was slumped over the computer.  I was just at his house in California last November.  I am sure some of you saw the pictures of him from my trip.  They are probably still there in the library.  He had a massive stroke or heart attack.

 

He had survived three years with a double lung transplant.  He was dying of genetic emphysema.  I remember when he couldn’t smoke pot anymore for the pain, so I would send him butter that he could use to bake into cookies, or whatever.

 

I am glad I visited him and got to party with him before he died.  I had a real good time and he has a beautiful family.  His sister Lori must be broken up.  She took care of him everyday after his operation.  She nursed him back to life from a risky double lung transplant, now only to lose him to some other crap.  I hope this doesn’t cause Lori to get worse ~sighs~.  Please pray for the living, as they still feel great pains…

 

The Song I play today is for my cousin

 

The Druid of Lonesome Isle…

This is going to blow some of your minds that know my wife.  My wife is very conservative, but very loving ~winks~.  She hates the smell of pot so she makes me smoke it under the oven vent to be courteous.

 

Well for my birthday, which is in March.  She got me a 2+-foot Water Pipe with glass on glass, and an Ice Catcher.  I know most of you don’t understand what I just said, but the main thing is my wife thought more about me than what her Christian friends might think ~smiles~.  That brings a tear to my eye!

 

I told her it was a lot healthier for me, which it is.  The water acts as a purification filter catching negative ions, tar and certain carcinogens on to the water skin where they remain trapped.  The glass on glass means I get to polycarbonoxide (which can be poisonous over years) from rubber grommets often used on glass pieces to fit the bowl unto the stem.  So you get the freshest of flavor.

 

The Ice Catcher is made to catch the ice and keep it from falling in the water.  With the 2+-foot length and the ice catcher filled with ice there is no burn.  Another really good thing my wife found out last night that she likes about it is:  The smoke stays in the bong! Until I glow into the exhaust  This allows you to conserve pot while getting the biggest hits.  The pipe got smoke everywhere and stunk up the kitchen.  My wife hates that ~chuckles~.

 

I still haven’t talked to Art yet, but I have to tell him sooner or later I am moving on with life.  I am not good with social confrontations though, so I am patiently waiting for God to give me an answer.  Haste makes waste.  I’ll stop ignoring him though if he calls ~sighs~.  I owe him that much after three years.

 

I am in my first week of probation in the Guild Triune.  So far everything is going great.  I have gotten many flags I was missing.  I have finished my TSS critline and working on guild AA requirements.  I have 3 weeks left then I’m in and don’t have to spend so much time on EQ, for now the family is widowed to me and EQ ~chuckles~  But it’s only temporary like all things.

 

I hope you are all doing well…blessings from the pot patch Christians ~grins~

 

Love,

Adam

Many of you know my friend Art that I have been growing pot with and watching movies with for almost 3 years now.  Well I am ready to end our close relationship because I am tired and need to spend more time on my children, my family and myself.

 

I don’t know how to tell him and I know he is going to be butt hurt, but I can no longer place my daughter or myself in the house of a second hand smoker.  It wasn’t too bad when he had two TV’s that way Mariah could watch TV in the other room away from cigarette smoke.  I have been coughing black crap out of my lungs and that only happens from smoking, but I don’t smoke…oh wait yes I do about two packs of second hand smoke when I am at Art’s house ~chuckles~.

 

Even though we are partners he holds Marijuana over my head to instill a kind of twisted friendship, but I am not up for that anymore.  I just walked away from it.  I need my medicine, but my wife assures me we will get by, and she would rather have me at home safe with my daughter than be caught at Art’s or die of second hand smoke ~chuckles~.

 

I don’t know how to tell him.  I am sure being honest is the best policy, but not always so with a schizophrenic/obsessive/compulsive.  I have been mulling it over for a couple months now, but the other day he said something that really turned me off!  He told me he hates being sober!  I like being sober and have been for years, but the sickness and pain have caused me to smoke.  Not that I didn’t like to fire one up every once in a while anyways ~chuckles~.  But not as much as I need it medicinally.

 

So for now I have him on ignore until I can decide what plan I am going to take.  I will probably just tell him the truth.  I have been trying to help him for the last three years, but some people just don’t want to be helped, or incapable of learning.  He still screams at his kids, and his kids are vicious, mean, and maniacal.  He is always unhappy about something and is usually depressed.  I feel I have done all that I can and now it is taking away from life, which I cannot allow to happen.

 

Sometimes waiting is the best answer.  Haste makes waste.  This is a delicate situation and I must handle it with diplomacy or I’ll end up killing the poor guy ~sighs~.  He doesn’t want to change that is fine.  I do and can’t do it with him dragging me down into the depths of depression and hollowness.

 

He grows pot and should be able to find another person.  Whether they will be real or not is another question ~chuckles~.

 

Malachi is doing better and so is Mariah.  I have been spending more time with them.  It doesn’t take much just enough to let them know I give a shit ~smiles~.

 

I was accepted into Triune.  A very powerful guild.  My old friend has spent hundred of thousands of platinum on me.  Everyone has been very helpful and nice.  I have a crapload of work to do within these next four weeks of probation.  I have a ton of skills I need to brush up on, and access to certain places, as well as beefing up my gear.  It has been overwhelming to say the least.

 

I told my wife she is going to be an Everquest Widow for the next 4 weeks.  Once you’re in, you’re in!  So I just need to put the old nose to the grindstone and do the daily grind.  Yes it is very much like work and I don’t get paid for it ~chuckles~, but the friends I make are worth a lifetime.

 

My one friend even sent my family money when I was in surgery.  How nice is that? ~smiles~.

 

Anyway, I am going to play a song by the White Stripes today.  You wont need words because he is a pretty clear singer.  So enjoy!…

What a blow out we had last night.  My buddy Korean Dan came back from tour.  There was so much liquor there and three different types of yummy buds.  We were all drinking Heineken and St. Pauli’s Girl as chasers to Tarantula, Capt. Morgan’s and Seagram 7’s.

 

Boy, do I feel like dog shit this morning.  I made it home in the most God-awful weather.  The roads were completely frozen but I was only one of few cars on the road.  Most people aren’t crazy enough to be on these roads if they don’t have to be ~chuckles~.

 

Dan is doing great and is done with his tour.  He will be working back in Alaska until he changes his MOS to Cargo Specialist.  He is doing that so he can get a job as a baggage handler for major airlines.  He already has secret clearance so half the battle is done for him to get that job ~smiles~.

 

Lately, I haven’t wanted to spend time with my buddy Art.  Mostly it is because he smokes cigarettes in his house.  It’s his house so I can’t tell him what to do in it, but I don’t have to be party to it anymore.  One of his TV’s went out so Mariah doesn’t have anything to do if I take her there, and I sure as hell don’t want her hanging out in his room with all the cigarette and pot smoke in it, so for the protection of my little girl at the behest of my need for bud, I will be staying home.  I don’t want to die do to second hand smoke, especially when I haven’t smoked in 10 years ~laughs~.

 

He keeps trying to use pot as a binding for friendship.  I’m not going to let that happen.  There is no dignity in it for him or I ~grins~.  He always says my wife should be happy because I am not spending $300/month on it, but my wife would rather buy it for me than have me hang out at his house.  I don’t know why she dislikes him other than he is rude, obnoxious and stinks like cigarettes that my wife abhors.

 

I took Mariah to a birthday party yesterday for one of her little church friends.  Julie forgot about it and took some overtime yesterday, so I had to buck up and go.  It was a swimming party at the big indoor YMCA.  It even has a water slide.  Anyways, I was wearing a pot hat that my brother got me.  It saddens me to see Christians doing Satan’s work.

No one would even talk to me except Samia’s Mom, but she was really busy with her daughter’s Bday party so she didn’t really have time, but the 8 other fuckers did, which leads me to a question.  Jesus said do not have fear at all, fear not for what happens, what clothes you wear, where you will eat, but most of them seem to live in the shadow of fear and can’t handle any kind of social crossover ~chuckles~.

 

Malachi came too so we just said screw em and went swimming ~chuckles~.  I can’t change how people are going to act but it does make me sad that people live under the lies that the government have propagated when it comes to Marijuana.  Funny because in Daniel God says that he has given us every seed bearing plant, every foul of the air, and every animal of the ground to use as we need and gave us dominion over them.  It is sad because people can’t even remember the simple things and prejudge everyone before they even have a chance to introduce themselves.

 

You know people can’t remember names?  Because they are too busy judging you to listen.  Sure they can hear the lips flapping but in their mind’s eye they are making judgments.  You might ask how do I know this?  Because I am human and have done it too.  The difference is I don’t like it so I fixed it ~smiles~.  Not that many people listen anymore.  They just go through life doing whatever they do justifying in the name of God ~smiles~.

 

And regular people look at you like you’re a criminal while just trying to exercise your 1^st amendment rights, after all, that is what makes America great right?  What is funny is many of the same people who look down at me and cover their kid’s eyes are smoking a joint at night after they put their kids to sleep but living a big fat lie.  If you have to hide something from your children you should probably not do it!!!

 

Instead of diverting your children’s eyes from the truth.  You should instead instill a sense of fair play and non-bias judgment, yet caring and concerned for their well being.

 

How many of your kids come home from school and you pay little attention to them short of the Hi, how was school?  Does your me-ism of what you want conflict?  Does it irritate the shit out of you when you think you are doing something important and your kids interrupt your ritual?  Do you expect you kids to just know what to do without proper guidance?  Do you even know the names of the crossing guards at your kids school?

 

I’ll tell you why teenagers and kids are so messed up today, because parents are fucked up today only caring about themselves and putting their needs before that of their children.  Now, there are exceptions to every rule, but the exceptions are just that, exceptions!  Teenagers today are screaming for an anchor and direction.  When they watch the news and study current events at school all they see is death, murder, mayhem, nuclear uncertainty!!!  Why the fuck would they want to try or live!!!  The goddamned Earth is going to blow up anyways!  Why try?

 

If your kids cannot openly and honestly talk to you about anything.  You have failed them.  Because communication is what it is all about and if your kids trust you (big word TRUST), then the sky is the limit.  If your kid comes home and your reading the newspaper or watching TV and don’t want to be interrupted?  You have already destroyed the trust of the child.

 

Once trust is destroyed children will only give you the answers they think you want to hear so you will leave them the hell alone, because in their eyes they don’t think you give a rat’s ass anyways, so why would they want to hear your stupid lecturing?  Funny how we love to lecture when they are in trouble but don’t give two hoots when things are going along smoothly ~chuckles~.

 

If our teenagers are screwed up, it is our own fault.  Sure you can blame society, drugs, gambling, sex, etc. all you want, but the bottom line is as a parent, more than likely you fucked something up in their initial programming, so instead of making things worse just break down and give them 15 minutes a day….out of your busy ass 24hrs a day!!!

 

My son has problems from time to time, but he is a Straight A student.  He does work in the community by volunteering.  He is active in his church and religion.  He is everything a father could ask for, and that only happened because I make my kids a priority over material things.  My TV is not more important than my kids, so when they do something to the TV and I yell at them I teach them that material things have more value than they do and that is just @#$@#$#$@# WRONG!!!  And I am not talking about basic respect for people’s possessions (which seem to possess them).  I am talking about when an accident happens whether careless or not.

 

When my son comes home we discuss his day.  How his girlfriend is doing.  What him and his friends have been up to.  I am far more liberal than his mother, so we make a good balance ~chuckles~.  My son has come talk to about things that cause other children fear, and/or apprehension because they have no respect for their parents.

 

What will the future hold?  Hell if I know, but I am a thoughtful parent when it comes to the growth and development of my children, so when you teenager is out getting some 14 year old girl pregnant, or sucking dick for crack:  remember it’s your fault…you raised them!!!  I think it is funny that I smoke pot and my kids are so well adjusted and loving…hmm?

 

The only way that Marijuana will ever become legal as a safer alternative to alcohol is if we stop the lies and the hiding.  We must overwhelm the masses by coming out of the closet and saying LIARS!!! Your government Lies will not longer propagate in your protestations!  Tell your kids that pot isn’t bad, but that they should wait for college or later!  Don’t @#$@#$@# lie to them because they will know!  They aren’t stupid despite what you think you know as a parent ~chuckles~.

 

I don’t know how anyone can even believe the government after “Reefer Madness” what a joke ~laughs hysterically~.  And they were trying to pass that crap off as reality.

 

Your government doesn’t want you smoking pot because once people smoke it they will realize all they need is food, shelter and love.  What kind of effect would that have on the economy?  Well I can tell you right now that we are spending over a billion dollars a year to bust end users of Marijuana.  The court and police waste valuable time away from doughnut shops harassing decent folks over a simple herb that God gave us.  Over 500,000 people a year are arrested with minor possession of Marijuana ruining college funding, jobs, etc.  If your one of those liars who smokes pot at social gatherings or after your kids go to sleep and think you will never get caught?  Do the math I think you will be surprised at your probability of being busted ~grins~.

 

We will be firing up the Eastern Washington Chapter of NORML here in the next month or so.  I implore you to be honest and have integrity in your thoughts, feelings and spelchings.  Donate to NORML today.  Help us end the madness!!!…

I got really great news last night.  My close friend Korean Dan called me.  He is in town ~cheers~.  He just got done with a tour in the worst part of Iraq in the hottest of hot zones!  At first I was very pissed because he hasn’t emailed me or anything, but I have been in similar situations, so I understand disassociation.  When you can’t be with the ones you love, love the ones your with ~smiles~.  But I was really happy after that because he was alive, if he died none of us would know because none of his family knows us ~sighs~.  How can you know a guy for 20yrs and not meet his family? ~laughs~.  They must be conservatives ~grins~.

 

So this Saturday we are going to have a humdinger of a party.  There might even be a tad bit of speed.  If I still have pneumonia you can damn well bet I am going to take a little snort too ~grins evilly~, hopefully it won’t just blow my heart out and stop my kidneys like it did last time ~snickers~.  Oh well I can toss that on my disability record.

 

I got this friends she has one chronic disease that I have, but I terminal ones and because she went to the doctors and destroyed herself financially they gave her disability on her first try, but I am dying and have to fucking fight for it while having the same chronic disability ~sighs~.  Is there no common sense at all in our government anymore? Or is it all just systematic piece of tired old doggie doodoo?  You guessed it!  You live in a beautiful country with a government of poop!

 

I was doing a Bible Study with Malachi the other day and ran across something I know to be true about me, but for some reason I don’t want to give that part up to God.  We were reading Matthew from the Sermon on the Mount (cause I only read the Red Writing anyways) and we got to the fulfillments of the commandments where Christ says even if you lust after a girl with your eyes you have already committed adultery in your heart.  I am so guilty of that!  Just last night I was watching employee of the month with Jessica Simpson and thought some very lusty thoughts ~grins~.  So I’m a cheater even though I didn’t kiss, make a move, or put my pecker in her ~sighs~.  So I grabbed a knife and fork and ran around the house stabbing my eye (not hard) because Jesus says to pluck it out!  I freaked Malachi out a bit. I think he thought I was really going to do it.  C’mon! I’m going to Hell with all my parts ~chuckles~.

The funny thing is I never really thought much of Jessica Simpson.  Sure she is pretty and has a tight ass body, but I don’t usually go for blonde dumb types.  I like my women to have brains, but when she did the “The Boots Were Made For Walking” video and she started dancing it brought something primal up, perhaps that is why some Christian sects believe dancing is of the Devil, because it causes sexual urges in men where there were none before?  Before that dance she laid dormant in my mind as most other Hollywood wonder boob teens.  So beware of the dance!

 

Anyways, the movie itself was very funny I thought, then again most of you probably don’t have the same funny bone I have, but I love a story of personal triumph, even if somewhat distorted by Hollywood.

 

I watched “Stick It” with the family the other night.  That was a very good family movie!  I recommend it to all Disney family loving families.  Another personal victory tied up in that story.  I love movies where someone has ever reason to quit, but instead they persevere and in some cases even triumph over their fears and doubts.  Movies like that make me cry like a big sissy, but more than that they give me hope for the future!

 

I have been playing Everquest again.  The pneumonia kept me down a for a few days gasping for life and air.  You never know how precious air is until you can’t breath.  God it must be horrifying for people who have Cystic Fibrosis, most of them don’t live to be over 16 if they are very lucky.  The guy who holds the record was 30 something and a masochist.  He has a movie out called “Sick” but the feint of heart or politically correct should not view this movie.  At the end of the movie he nails his penis to a 2x4 with 16” penny nail and a big ole hammer.  He does all sorts of vile acts throughout the movie and believes it is what kept him alive for so long.  I would agree, but why?  I guess I would have to be him to understand ~smiles~.  So easy to judge one another when looking in instead of out ~smiles~.

 

Anyways I am very close to getting into the Uber Guild Triune on the Morell – Thule server.  I have a 75 Dark Elf Wizard ( I only play Dark Elves) with 133 Alternative Advancement Points.  If I didn’t stop for two years I’d probably have 1300 ~grins~.  Oh well live and learn!  I started working on my Epic 1.5 and got several part for it last night.  An Epic weapon is a uber nice weapon but you need a guild to get them.  I am chaos and usually belong to a guild but usually family guild that don’t have that much power.  My best friend in the world on Everquest (Lilandraa 75 Necro, Druid, Cleric and who knows what else?) is helping me and sponsoring me for her guild, which is one of the strongest guilds on all the servers and was probably in the top 3 for our server before the combining of servers.  They must have 1000 people in their guild, so you never have to look for a group, which is nice.

 

They are planning on passing an “Ethics Bill” in the government houses that will cut unethical delegates from their beloved over bloated pensions.  Why did this take so long, everyone knew the guy in charge of security of our children was a gay pedophile?!  It’s a club of like-minded people regardless of party affiliation and you all better get that through your heads or your grandchildren are going to have a very shitty short life!  The time for change is now!  Make them bastards live on our SSI.  They would have this shit fixed in a day!!!

 

Ok I’m spewed out!  Thanks for listening…

 

I am going to stay with the God music, only this song is by a very old obscure group.  It doesn’t need words because if you listen you can hear.  It will rile some of you up, and if it does all I can say is you are part of the problem ~smiles~.  There is no place in Christ’s Kingdom for anger whether justified or not!  Enjoy ~smiles~

 

 

I would like to clear something up.  I made some examples of hypocrisy and used my parents in it as one of the examples.  Some of you have the impression that I had a bad childhood, and that would be inaccurate ~smiles~.  So in defense of my mom and dad I would like to clear it up for anyone who thought I might have been an abused child.

 

I grew up seeing hypocrisy in everything.  I don’t know if that had anything to do with my mom and dad.  I may have just been born broken and viewed things in a slightly different way.  I have always been unable to go against my grain.  I feel it was put their by God even before I knew what it was ~smiles~.

 

I grew up in a Navy family, so we moved all the time.  I was in 5 elementary schools ~chuckles~.  I never knew what a solid foundation was, and I could never make life long friends.  I was always the new kid at school ~sighs~.

 

My mom is a saint, and even though she is no angel.  She is one of the most beautiful women in the world, so my dad is a very very lucky man!  I think the only reason he had kids was because he loved my mom so much and that was part of her dream.  The American Dream.

 

My earliest memories are of being sunburned so bad that I had blisters on my blisters.  My mom and dad were amateur parents.  I guess people were just stupider back in the 60’s and didn’t think about sunscreen and burns.

 

I also remember getting stung by wasps numerous times when the idiot neighbor kids would sacrifice me to the “Yellow Jacket” wrath by knocking down their nests in our playground ~chuckles~.

 

My father worked all day and then went to college all night.  I am sure he did it to give us a better life, but I would have much rather been poorer and had my father around.  Funny, I wonder if my boy ever wishes I would have worked harder so he could have more stuff? ~chuckles~  Life = Confusion ~chuckles~.

 

My father was the one my mother used to scare us.  “Wait till your father gets home!”  We’d run her through the mill all day and then be little angels 5 minutes before my dad came home.  Everyday we hoped we would avoid punishment.  And usually my mom gave us amnesty ~smiles~.

 

My dad never beat the shit out of us or anything, but he did use emotions and fear to manipulate us.  My brother use to fake that I hit him so my dad would spank me or throw me in my room.  I think that is where I started seeing it.  A big person is causing me fear and pain while telling me not to do it to someone smaller?  Does not compute in the mind of a small child ~chuckles~.

 

My dad had serious anger issues when he came back from Vietnam.  Fuck, who could blame him ~chuckles~, but he never beat the shit out of us.  There are other ways to fuck up your kids though that don’t rely on any abuse physically.

 

My dad fucked himself many times because instead of being able to talk to him honestly like my kids do with me.  I said what he wanted to hear out of fear of retribution.  So when he asked my brother and me if we wanted to be like “Uncle Vance?”  Well we really did because Uncle Vance was cool! (not really but to a kid he was).

 

From the time I was very small all I ever wanted to do was make my father proud.  I tried to match my brother, if he did something that made my dad happy then I would do it trying to achieve that same feeling, but I never seemed successful.

 

It seemed (not that it is true) that my father always enjoyed my brother Jeff over me.  Always enjoyed going to his games and doing stuff with him.  Coached his baseball team and went to all his games.  In fairness he did come a long way once or twice when I was playing high school football.

 

I guess that is why I loved Guam so much.  It was the first time I felt like I had my father all to myself.  Jeff was too young so he couldn’t go diving, so my father and I took up diving.  Those are some of the best memories that I hold so close to my heart still to this day.

 

Today, I love my dad for who he is and have put the vast majority of this crap behind me.  Every once in a while though it still makes me break down.  I wish some things could have been different.  I wish I wasn’t born broken.  I wish my father had a better childhood.

 

My parents and I get along very good today.  I remember the first time my dad told me he was proud of me.  I must have been 35 years old ~chuckles~.  Talk about a tearjerker!

 

They even own a house in Washington and Arizona, so they can spend time with us and their grandkids during the Summer months ~smiles~.  We are going on a Cruise Ship to Alaska this Summer with them and my brother ~smiles~.  Today I enjoy spending every minute I can with them.  We are still very different and still get into arguments about certain things.  No one can get under my dad’s skin like I can.  It must be because everything is so black and white for me, where as most people live in the grey ~smiles~.  Sometimes my perceptions block reality ~sighs~.

 

I am a firm believe in whatever is lost can be found, whatever is broken can be fixed.  It just takes time, patience and enlightenment.  If my parents hadn’t been who they were from their life experiences then I would not be who I am today, which means I would probably have messed up kids like a lot of teenagers today.  I have a beautiful relationship with my children.  Extremely honest and open.  Malachi and Mariah can talk to me about anything and in return I speak to them like human beings and not like children, unless I am having a really bad day and they are pissing me off ~grins~.  I don’t have a lot of bad days in spite of my condition which seems to be worsening at a faster rate now ~sighs~.

 

 

I went to David’s yesterday to drink, smoke pot and watch the playoffs.  Most of you know I hate sports, and as long as little children are dying and starving around the world I cannot condone someone who makes over a million a year.  If I don’t watch it and I don’t buy its paraphernalia then that is one less person supporting that kind of indulgent lifestyle, however my buddy David is a sports fanatic ~chuckles~, and I do kind of like watching the playoff games because it’s single elimination.

 

I think I must have smoked well over 3.5 grams yesterday.  It sucked too because I have walking pneumonia, but since I only get out of the house maybe once or twice a month if I am feeling halfway decent.  This is the first time I have been out in the last 1.5 months.  It was fun even though I gasped for air the whole time ~sighs~.  It was nice being around my friends again.

 

My brother Jeff came over and had a beer.  He didn’t stay long he had been driving truck on the road all day and was a bit wiped out, but it was nice seeing him.  I haven’t seen him in a while.

 

David’s boss (my old boss) came over last night and they started up on the Bacardi and Cokes.  No thanks ~chuckles~.  I hurt myself enough with the pot and beer ~grins~.  I probably won’t smoke any today after almost hospitalizing myself last night ~chuckles~.  I am a fighter though and will suffer as long as needed ~groans~.

 

I always find myself wanting to be home after a few beers anyways.  Most people get drunk and start bragging about shit they did when they were 16 ~chuckles~.  It’s about that time I want to head for the front door.  Not that I haven’t been a braggart in my life, but I find drunken braggarts to be about as fun and witty as a steaming pile of dog doodie!

 

So anyone who thinks I had a bad childhood.  It really wasn’t that bad comparatively.  I mean kids in Iraq are getting bomb and bullet fragments taken out of their bodies, kids in Ethiopia are being butchered with machetes to save money on ammunition, somewhere a kid is getting his bones broken because his dad is possessed by the demon of alcohol.  So all in all I didn’t really have it that bad.  I probably had ADD, which wasn’t a recognized disease back then.  I think I still have it ~chuckles~.

 

But if you leave here today knowing anything.  Know that I love the shit out of parents regardless of what I or anyone else perceives my past to be.

 

Since I am dying and suffering extra good today, by my own protestations I thought I would put on another Soulfly song that really hits home ~smiles~.  So please do enjoy!

 

Soulfly

III

Tree of Pain

 

My pain is as deep as my roots
The yearning, the hurting
What am I to do?
Indeed I plant seeds for the path i walk

And my voice helps me grow like water when I talk
but I'm hurting y'all
You didn't die in vain, your thought
With me remains and your soul gives me
Strength to face another day
Without you
In this tree of pain
Till the day I see you again
Again
Under this tree of pain
Where we carved our names
Forever to remain
Again
No one can understand
You know we can't pretend
That everything's OK
Bleeding
Screaming
I touch your grave
I kiss your face
This pain is more than I can take
I punch your grave
I call your name
This pain is more than I can take
Again
I find myself again
Under the tree of pain
Where we carved our names
Why then
Leave without goodbye
Just tears in my eyes
And the love you left inside
For D-Low
Everyday that I pray
Why'd they take his life away
This pain, it hurts me so bad
All the days that I never had
All I have my God
Is this tree of pain
Carved my name my God
In this tree of pain
Dana... One minute's all I need
Dana... To heal the things that bleed
Dana... Why God why?

My wife Julie has an interview with her company she may be moving up.  That will mean another $4,000+ a year if she gets it.  It would also give her more authority to close a case and finish a deal.  I hope she gets it because she really loves her job and needs to move sometimes.

 

I don’t know how you people do it.  My wife’s dad worked at Alloy Trailers for 22 plus years and owned a damp proofing business that he did after work.  He made really good money doing that, but I can see what it did to their family at certain times.

 

I have never been a person who can go to the same job day in and day out with much success.  Even when I ran my own small business and worked delivering pizzas I hated it.  I hated it for the simple fact that I don’t like someone telling me what I am worth.  I am a human being for God’s sakes!  The longest job I ever had was 5 years in length.  I almost always worked, but I never worked at the same place for more than a couple years.  I wouldn’t mind working on a farm all day ~smiles~ for the rest of my life, especially if it were next to a nice trout stream.

 

I have always had authority issues even when I was a child I would defy everything and every rule without explanation for the reason of its existence.  I probably would have been a great lawyer.

 

When I finally decided what I wanted to do and went to college then I became very ill ~sighs~.  Funny how that works ~snickers~.  Many of you know my last two bosses almost met untimely fates ~snickers~.

 

Is it possible that I was broken from birth?  I know telling me I was adopted at the age of 4 probably wasn’t a great thing for my parents to do.  All I can remember from my youth is seeing the hypocrisy of everyone and everything, so let me give you some examples:

 

Christians all over the country claim to worship Christ, yet screamed for blood when 9/11 happened.  Jesus said to do the exact opposite…too be kind to the people.  As a kid I would always watch the evil that went on at church..the gossiping, the affairs, and the fakeness that goes with it.  In my youth it was the same just different dates and time.

Everyone acts one way on Sunday then goes home and continues their lies Monday thru Friday ~chuckles~.

 

My dad would yell at me for laying on the new couch.  And then I would catch him sleeping on it a week later I would  get punished for bringing up his hypocrisy ~shrugs~.  For being a smartass ~grins~.

 

A politician in charge of children’s securities ends up being a child molesting gay pedophile?

 

The entire world is a sham.  I guess that is all I can see, but I do see beauty too…and when I do I latch on to and use it as a source of inspiration.  An example or two:

 

A laughing child/baby makes my heart glow like the sun!

 

A spring day when all the grass, leaves and flowers pop up to meet the oncoming Summer.

 

My wife when she smiles.

 

The smell of bacon and eggs in the morning filling up the house.

 

Divoo was saying earlier about how nice it is to have cyber friends around the world.  I agree and told her I would like to see everyone get together and stop the hate, war, and injustice in the world.  It is we who must do it.

 

All our governments want is war.  It’s great for the economy, especially an economy which graciously allows investments into companies like the Carlyle Group and other corporation that make bombs, missiles, and weapons to destroy and maim little children and innocent people while claiming to aid us in the war on terror.  Am I missing something?!  Where the fuck is Osama Bin Laden?!?!?!  We did the bait and switch with Saddam ~sighs~.

 

I know today is just a ramble of twisted thoughts and memories…so today’s song will be a prayer to God and the hopes that people will listen to God and do the right things, regardless of who you God(s) are/is:  If your God promotes love and justice then I love you and my God loves you, if you promote lies as reality then verily I say you have your rewards now ~smiles~. Please enjoy the song and read the words ~smiles~ you’ll probably need them through all the yelling and screaming ~chuckles~.

 

Soulfly

Primative

FlyHigh

 

Pressure building on my soul
I ask God to take control
Guide me through this fucked up world

Conquer this fear spiritually
Forever let it be
Into infinity

Against all odds we carry on
Like we always did before
Soulmate forever more

I feel your presence every day
It's so real in every way
Give God thanks and praise!

Just let my soul fly free
And let me be the one God wants me to be
Just let my soul fly free
And let me see everything I'm
supposed to see

Just let my soul fly
Just let my soul fly
Just let my soul fly free!!!

Pressure building on my soul
I ask God to take control
Give me guidance in this world

Conquer this fear spiritually
Forever let it be
Into infinity

Gail was wondering where I was so she emailed me.  Sometimes I get so obsessive and preoccupied with other things that I forget about other things ~grins~.

 

I have been working my butt off every available minute to get my character from 65^th level to 75^th level the last two weeks.  I have a Dark Elf (they are all I play) Wizard on the Morell-Thule Server.

 

I took a two-year sabbatical from “Evercrack” for many reasons.  One being my computer got to old to play it.  I have found old friends who I had forgotten.  They were good friends too.  One of them even sent my family $250 during my last surgery.  Now she is helping me get into her guild.  She is my mentor.

 

I use to be married to her in Everquest with my first Character.  A Dark Elf Wizard named Coruptus Alluvus ~snickers~ (cute huh?)  I love making names it’s one of the funnest parts and you only get to do it once ~chuckles~.

 

I find things that I can obsess on.  It helps make the sickness and pain dampen a bit ~smiles~.

 

Dominic was suppose to go do his time today, but as usual our efficient court system lost his paperwork ~chuckles~.  So I guess he will have to go to jail another day ~grins~.  He’ll be gone for a few months.  It will be good for him.

 

I finally got Malachi’s phone working.  I put the SIM card in wrong.  I thought I was going to have to replace the phone, but it was a minor operator error.  I always wondered why they put instruction in stuff ~grins~.

 

I am still around just finding other ways to get rid of the pain.  I don’t mean to forget about anyone ~smiles~.

 

Just so you all know how I feel about you I will put on a song that needs no introduction or lyrics ~smiles~  Just know that I love you all no matter where I am or what I am doing ~smiles~…

I am feeling much better today, even though I can’t eat anything or drink any water without throwing up, but I feel better.  Kind of dehydrated and sleep deprivated.  I am out of my Amitryptaline so I have been only getting 2-4hrs of sleep a night.  I finally broke down last night and slept for 12 hours, not straight through but got way more sleep than I have been.  My neighbors came over and got me stoned last night.  When they are able too they take care me knowing what happens when I don’t get the bare necessities ~smiles~.  I was really sick.

 

By now most of you know I have a rare type of stress disorder, so my insides (intestines) have shut down.  Stuff rots in there until my body turns it to liquids, and well I am sure you can fill in the disgusting blanks for yourselves.  I can usually make them work though with enough fiber and water.  Right now I can’t drink any water without pukin’ it back up ~sighs & chuckles ironicially ~  It’s always something eh?

 

I am calmed down and that helps everything.  I am out of pot so need my meditation more than ever.  The problem is my being sick and my psycho mind keeps spinning faster and faster making it impossible to do anything but fight or flight ~blinks~.  If I wasn’t sick I might be able to slow my mind down, but who knows?  God takes pretty good care of me in the Marijuana department even when I have no funds.

 

Art had his ass surgery yesterday.  He said it wasn’t as bad as I said it was going to be.  Apparently, they didn’t’ have to go down to the muscle, which is stupid, but you know how doctors are.  I told him don’t be surprised if the problem doesn’t come back twice as hard.   He’s got the “sores” from the Bible.  They are not progressive yet, so he might be lucky and get the cure, but it’s been my experience when one has the “sores” that they never go away ~sighs~.  You can’t cure a demonic disease of the flesh with man’s pathetic knowledge.  I guess he should have went to the healing room first.  But he is happy, so I guess that is all that really matters ~smiles~.

 

Mariah is yelling at me for frosting.  Jeez…she just had two waffles.  I told her if she asked again she wasn’t getting any all day ~grins~.  I was planning on seeing if the next door neighbors had some grahmm crackers.  My mom would always use the extra frosting to make us Grhamm crackers and frosting.  Man I loved those and I have never seen them in the super market ~shut my mouth and look around blog land~  Hmmmm…maybe I can pitch that to someone in the cookie industry? ~smiles~.

 

I love my house during the day, even though I feel trapped.  Because it is so quiet and clean.  It’s just Mariah and I living in harmony throughout the day.  Sometimes we drive each other bonkers, but mostly we get along.  But when Julie and Malachi get home from work and school they just throw their clothes wherever they want and then next thing I hear is Mariah screaming her head off because her brother is torturing her, or my wife is coming home from work all day throwing around commands like she owns the place ~chuckles~, which basically she does because she is the only one working right now ~snickers~, but that is no excuse to cause STRESS.  I tell them from time to time that their stress is causing problems ~chuckles~.  Life goes on regardless of my thoughts or convictions ~smiles~.

 

I am trying to think of what song fits my mood today…I don’t know a whole lot of songs about being sick and dying ~chuckles~  Most my music either involves meditative/trance states, anger, fear, sorrow or happiness.  Not a whole lot give in the bridge there ~grins~.  My son has all the funny music like weird Al.

 

With my stomach and intestines now out of whack a BOATLOAD of prayers to the big kahuna would be most helpful.  Isn’t it funny we have to pray to God in order for God to hear us?  Well whatever works I guess…I don’t make the rules and don’t even follow em’ half the time ~snickers~.  But I can promise you one thing, when you pray to God it does wake God up ~smiles~.  God is so massive and omnipotent that God forgets about God’s little school project down here on Earth, luckily no matter where you are at any given minute someone is praying, so in a sense God’s eye/mind is always upon us ~smiles~.  Let’s just hope no matter what happens in the next couple years that there is someone to keep his eye on us at all times.  Lord knows we need it ~chuckles~.

 

I guess I’ll look through my 10 Gigabytes of music and find a fitting song.  I usually run music in the background while I’m blogging and perusing.  I even listen to music while playing Everquest ~chuckles~.  I usually hear a song while I am blogging that fits, but not today.  Pink Floyd is playing right now.  Really old stuff like 1971 Atom Mother Heart Suite.  I sure wish I had some Mushrooms.  I haven’t had any in probably 3 or 4 years.  I usually eat them once or twice a year and find them to be an excellent tool for cleaning out unsavory demons/maladjustments within myself.  I have even cured myself of chronic afflictions.  Jack Herer after having a massive stroke which left him crippled (paralyzed) in a wheelchair got him back up and running in no time.  He still has a cane now, but is up and walking around doing his lectures across the country again ~smiles~  Way to go Jack!!! ~smiles~.  This spring I am going to search hard for them, even if I half to go out to 20 bars to find a bartender who is selling them.  Actually, I’ll go to a barter fair ~smiles~  Always good liquid LSD and Mushrooms there.  I need it or I don’t know how much longer I can keep myself running with meditation alone.  I need to fix some things in my brain ~chuckles~.

 

God I feel like crap…CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW! ~chuckles~

 

When I play a song it is exactly how I am feeling.  It is another medium for explaining myself to others, some people can learn through articulate verbalizations/writings, but for some like me I understand a person way better through the colors they wear and the music they play ~smiles~  I find music to be a perfect way of expressing my Love, Pain, Sorrow, etc…

 

Damage Plan

New Found Power

Soul Bleed

 

Now that I'm all alone
Painfully aware
I'm starting to feel the cold
Knowing you're not there

Caught somewhere between my fears and dreams
And all I have are demons here for company

Come and look inside, hope you like what you see
And if you run and hide, you're scared of what is me
Bind my idle hands, they only claw at me
Drown in emptiness, my soul is left to bleed

Throwing a shadow on
Every thought I have
Knowing that something's gone
Echo's in my head

Caught somewhere between my fears and dreams
And all I have are demons here for company

Come and look inside, hope you like what you see
And if you run and hide, you're scared of what is me
Bind my idle hands, they only claw at me
Drown in emptiness, my soul is left to bleed

Come and look inside, hope you like what you see
And if you run and hide, you're scared of what is me
Bind my idle hands, they only claw at me
Drown in emptiness, my soul is left to bleed

You probably remember me ranting about how our subsidized housing had gone up $100 in the last four months.  You might also recall me saying I might have made a mistake by calling the site manager and threatening him and the entire bullshit of corporate welfare and fake rich people making money off of tax credits.

 

I told him I was going to call the Poverty Law Clinic, ACLU as well as the DDD (Disabilities Department).  And that I was going to have the news and papers make a mockery out of this bullshit about a loan and how nothing around here has got fixed.

 

Well this morning the district site supervisor calls me and says it was a total mistake and to just disregard that paper.  We would be getting another notice stating that it was in error. ~grins evilly~  Damn I love psychological warfare and the power of involuntary humiliation.  They are so worried about a PR problem making the rich look bad they were tripping over themselves to fix the problem.  So, now we don’t have to pay the extra $30 ~grins~.

 

I found out my brother was in an accident the other day.  The bastard didn’t even tell me!  I had to find out from my mom ~sighs~.  But if he has a computer problem I’m the first guy he calls ~shrugs~.  Oh well not my soul, guess I don’t have to worry about it ~snickers~.  I will post some pictures of his car.  It looked very much like Dale Ernhardt’s did, if it would have hit him on the driver’s side he would have been dead, or if he had his son or whoever with them in the passenger side.  They would have been dead.  I think you’ll see what I mean when you look at the pictures.

 

I have been out of Marijuana for the last week or so.  We just don’t have the money for it and my garden is sporadic at best right now.  I am set up for lots of stuff here in March, but that is March and this is January.  I did cut a big ole top off and letting it dry so I’ll have some in a week.  Luckily all my friends have been coming by and giving me some payback ~smiles~.

 

I sure can tell how sick I am without pot.  I wake up in the morning and the first thing I usually do is puke up bile and blood ~sighs~.  Blood is in my stool again.  My wife is beside herself because I won’t go to the doctor again.

 

Screw them pecker heads…I’ve been through this a thousand times and they are not sticking stuff up my ass anymore.  I don’t want to wear a diaper from all the anal protrusions they have given me in the last four years trying to solve another one of my chronic maladies.

 

Here is the scenario:  I start bleeding, so I go to the doctor.  All I hear is give us your money and go home.  I go in they take a stool sample and blood samples (I have to do every other month).  They say I am bleeding internally and I need an Upper GI and a Colonoscopy, so instead of getting me in that day or the next day, they schedule it for two weeks in the future.  By then I am healed up and not having the problem.  My doctor says it is in the 20’ that they cannot reach with today’s technology ~sighs~.  So they take about 200 dollars out of the mouths of my family to tell me there is nothing they can fucking do for me…kind of like my wife’s twin cousins that both just died within weeks of each other from stomach cancer that apparently everyone missed ~sighs~.

 

This makes my wife cry, which kills me, but I really don’t know what to do?!?!  There is nothing they can do for me!  They have told me this again and again while taking $40-$300 bucks a pop.  We are mired in a perpetual sea of god damned medical bills.

 

This is compounded by the fact I am not working nor receiving anything from my worthless government.  It’s ok to let Halliburton rip you off for 80 million dollars but god forbid someone who needs SSD actually gets on it, while hundreds of thousands of fake psychos are living free on the years of work we have done to provide our families.  So I’m not working and in August we had to start getting money from cash advance places.  Well we lose $200/month right now just paying those criminal short term loans to reloan ~sighs~.

 

And then we take on the responsibility of another vehicle ~slaps his head~.  This is a blessing and a curse.  It is so nice to drive around without being wedged into a two door Geo like we have been the last two years.  And perhaps now we can go camping since we have room in the van.  We are now paying more insurance because we want to protect our new investment.  We are paying for more gas, which adds on stress.  OK here’s the kicker….TSD (Terminal Stress Disorder (an ultra PTSD that causes the organs to devour themselves) is what I have.  All this stress is causing my body and organs to bleed out and the only way I have found to stop it and give me any quality of life is by smoking or ingesting Marijuana.  Marijuana keeps me “mellow” apathetic…whatever the hell you want to call it, it works!  So I have been out of pot and the bleeding starts again.  I have a good mind to just stay stressed and bleed out till I fucking DIE!!!

 

Malachi went on his first date the other night with his new girlfriend Kendall.  She is a musical savant.  She is 12 years of age and has already done orchestras and public symphonies.  Her parents didn’t come in and meet us, which is probably a good thing because they sound very strict and conservative.  If they saw me they would probably forbid the relationship ~snickers~.  Malachi is a great kid.  I worry about his emotions sometimes, but he is almost always happy.

 

Anyways, I guess that is all I feel like saying…I am still going crazy so I guess I’ll leave that same song on. Perhaps tomorrow I will put on some hate music because that is how I feel…full of hate and disdain for a pathetic society based on superficial insight and pseudo compassion ~smiles~.  Where no one ever says what they really feel, well rarely anyways ~snickers~…