I have to send my mother board back, so this is the last blog for the next couple weeks.

 

My mom and dad read my blog and called so they are O.K. ~smiles~.

 

Seeya in a couple weeks :)

 

Love,

Adam

My brother Jeff called me and said he had a run down to Salt Lake City and Phoenix, so I am catching a ride with him down to Yuma where we will have a family thanksgiving.  Some other close relatives will be showing up, and my mom and dad, of course.

 

I have been trying to get a hold of my parents the last couple days, and their answering machine has a ton of messages on it.  My mom and dad never go anywhere without telling my brother and I.  My brother thinks that they may be in Tucson but he is not positive.  I don’t remember getting a letter or email from them.  And even when they do go somewhere they always have their laptop.  I hope everything is fine!  It is just very odd.  I will keep you all posted when I hear from them ~smiles~.

 

Now for something completely different:

 

As many of you know, I am a computer technician and had my own small business at one point.  The reason I speak of this is to let people know that I know a little something about computers too ~grins~.

 

And as many of you know, I have been typing on our new computer, and you may or may not remember me talking about how I screwed the first one up because I had been partying when I tried to put it together, my bad ~chuckles~.  I got the new computer up and running, but if you remember I could never get the dual channel working.

 

So I called Gigabyte because it is there board and they ran me through a series of tests and said it wasn’t the motherboard (I said it was).  They informed me it was the RAM.  I in turn told Tigerdirect it was their RAM, so I traded in my Ultras for some Kingston’s that were validated specifically for that motherboard.  Well I didn’t have the money to give them at the time, so I had to mail it back and wait two weeks for my RAM.

 

I got my RAM yesterday and plugged it in and nothing happened.  No POST beep.  I called Kingston and they validated the RAM again.  And we talked about shit for a few minutes.  Kingston is a good company and their “HelpDesk” technicians obviously have a degree in computers, so I called back up Gigabyte and the customer rep tries telling me something about BIOS.

Yes, I went off on him.  I told him that BIOS has nothing to do with this problem(other than the memory channel not working) and that your @#$@#%^#$ motherboard is the problem.  Since I had bought it through Tigerdirect I decided to confer with them.  They said no problem, but again I have no credit so I have to rip this computer apart tonight and mail off the motherboard tomorrow.  The rep did say that he would next day air it, but I won’t be here anyways.  I am going to Yuma to spend Thanksgiving with them ~smiles~.

 

It is pretty sad when I had to instruct some poor sap about the basic I/O functions and how the memory controller works, so I have to take it apart and then I am going to Yuma so you might not hear from me for a week or two ~sighs~.

 

They sold us their old mini van.  They want a $100 a month, which is more than fair.  I think we can do it.  The garden is almost ready to harvest a couple plants, and the veggies are doing great, so that will save my family about $150/month on Marijuana.  Actually if I had the money I would be spending $300-$450/month(approx. 2 grams/day).  But we don’t have that kind of money, so I am thinking that once these buds dry I’ll be saving that $150/month, so technically we could put it on the van and still be up $50/month.  I don’t sell my Marijuana.  It is strictly for personal use.  Well mine and Art’s.  Some of you may remember Art.  He should be dead too and has factor 5 blood ~cringes~.  He is in terrible pain all the time, so we help each other out ~smiles~.

 

My wife and I have had to use creative financing measures to get our credit rate up and pay the bills.  Part of that $150 needs to go to Insurance which is going to go up drastically with a 2003 mini van with full coverage.  My mom and dad are really cool.  They are going to pay the gas.  They love us and know we are poor because of my physical and mental health.  I just want my mom and dad to have their continued pride in me ~smiles~.  I don’t want to let them down.

 

The real problem right now is I have a ton of bills.  I have to cancel my Psychologist and stop going to the doctor.  It’s $80 bucks a pop.  He is awesome and has been very helpful.  The medication he is giving me doesn’t do squat.  It doesn’t stop the nightmares.  It doesn’t stop the fight or fight mode, so it sucks.  I am going to have to go see him once I am out of Buspar.  Disability tells me I don’t go to the doctor enough to need it.  I do most minor procedures on myself (I keep myself locked up mostly in the apartment).  My doctor has said I need to be in a calm place on my ass with my legs elevated, except for the 30min I am allowed to walk, which hurts like hell ~grins wearily~, but when it is nice I do it, booyah!  I can’t live like that.  The house needs to be cleaned and I need to get out here and there, but when you can’t trust yourself in society ~sighs~ it’s better just to stay hidden from it ~chuckles~.  The trip back from Yuma should be interesting ~rolls his eyes~.

 

I try and stay out of the hospital.  One, because I don’t like nor trust doctors.  Two as a player in these final days, I know there is no money in the cure. ~smiles~.

 

My mom and dad read my blogs, so if you guys are out there you better call pronto ~grins~…

Today, I wrestle with the demons of anger and hatred, an uncontrollable chaos.  Now, I more than anyone understand the ramifications of freewill.  I pray and I meditate that I be given mine back ~smiles~.

 

My wife says I have incredible freewill.  I quit Methamphetamines; I quit being a Satanist (that was a tough one.  I loved the earthly powers I had), I quit smoking cigarettes after 15yrs of smoking, and I recently just quit drinking because of health concerns.

 

The other day I bled out for over an hour, luckily it was not a gusher.  And I have had those.  When I am stressed out my organs shut down.  I have a form of AIDS that isn’t even technically registered in the annuls of medicine.  Some professionals call it Terminal Stress Disorder; some call it IDS, which is an Immune Deficiency Syndrome.   Mine is very much like MS, only instead of my muscles being affected it is my organs.

 

Two years ago I lay in the hospital almost dead.  My kidneys, liver and intestines stopped working altogether.  This wasn’t the first time this has happened, but it was the worst.  The doctors said I should have died and told me that any day can be my last.  Bed rest on my ass with my feet above my heart for a good time of the day.

 

This is why I smoke pot.  I had quit doing any kind of drug for over five and half years.  Pot makes me apathetic, and though apathy is a dangerous and unclean spirit.  Not to mention an abomination to God, it keeps out stress.  With apathy comes lack of any concern for anything.  I counter this with daily meditation and a closeness to God 95% of the time, but that 5% is scary.

 

I ask God questions to why I am no longer in control of my emotions or my mind.  I am an affirmed knower that when you lose your faculties a higher, or lower power has consumed them and made me blind, so now I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, but I fear no evil…only humiliation for not being worthy of God.  I know you are all chomping at the bit wanting to write before you finish ~smiles~ reading, but bare with me…please ~smiles~.

 

I worked for the Dark Lords for decades.  I travailed in the darkness.  I could pop light bulbs with my mind, drain light, and drain the energy from watches, batteries, manipulate electronics, etc.  In the dark corners of the Universe power is measured by how strong one is able to influence the Earthly Domain in which the Dark Lord resides over.  Many of them rich elites and politicals, both religious and atheistic.

 

I married a beautiful woman and had a beautiful child, but none of that was important.  It wasn’t like I had to work to get to Heaven.  God had told me long ago for turning down the devil’s minions when they were going to make me a famous heavy metalist that I had no need to have concern for the welfare of my soul!

 

When my son was two years old God came to me yet again and said my soul is saved but how can I (me) lead those I love down the wide road to a hellish torture (and I’m not talking about the lake of fire).  God has inspired me to turn my evil ways over, and to help lead the lost souls down a path that would bring them to the light, so I gave up all my power, my riches, my illusions and delusions.

 

Now that I walk the path I am riffed with inability to control my own god given mind and multiple terminal diseases.  My wife tells me that in her faith (Christianity) that the reason that God did not let me get AIDS, HEP C, DVT and TSD/IDS was because my soul would be incapable of dealing with it at that time and I would cause great destruction and forever become separated from God (my worst fear, true Hell)

 

How many truly understand unconditional love without some form of conversion or belief system in ulterior motive mode.  Jesus didn’t say treat these people this way and those people that way, nor did Mohammed, Gandhi, or Buddha teach violence in any respect, but somehow religions have rationalized the most heinous crimes to perpetuate their continuing existence!

 

Galileo was persecuted for insisting the world was round.  He died lonely and sick in a Christian made prison for heathens and idolaters.  Isaac Newton was correct in all his theories and was claimed a heretic before the Christian Church, but he was correct in all his theories when later tested by science.  Honest intelligent men given a gift from God but stifled by the church, imprisoned and murdered.

 

Christ never intended for his name to be synonymous with politics.  Or priest classes, or cliques/denominations.  He gave us unconditional love, and one thing that nothing in the universe of his creationism possessed, and that is freewill.  All man can do with his great teachings is create separation, hate and disunity/chaos.

 

Put a bunch of children in a room, regardless of Religion, Creed, Color…they will almost always get along, but sorry be it for him that leads one of these young children away, for verily I say unto you; It would be better for you to be in Sodom and Gomorrah than to feel the wrath of God for the misleading of an innocent child away from my father.

 

If I say to you, you are wrong let me show you the truth and yet have your own faith.  I have already demoralized you and insulted you, but why is it that those cannot see with their eyes?  Why must championing the religion mean conversion from the hetaeristic ways, perhaps if more Christians actually practiced what they preached, or more precisely what Christ Alone taught them, then people would be flocking into churches left and right.

 

We all must find a way to rationalize our existence, so that we can live with the life we are given, and not the one we desire.  Someday we will all be dead and it will be fully understood ~smiles~.  I look forward to being there someday enjoying the company of each and every one of you, regardless of Religion, Creed or Color ~smiles compassionately~.

 

God wants his faith to be one of attraction, not promotion…people try and promote and market God when they should be doing as their savior asked, but alas humanity is still too immature as a whole to do the right thing ~teary eyed~, so I can only be, and only want to be responsible for my soul, but I have an obligation to my family and those I love with action.

 

So I will say to you…I love you ~smiles~ I don’t care who or what your God is.  I don’t care who you are having sex with, because it’s not my soul, nor my business.  I can only tell you that I love you, and that if you saw something in me that you knew to be true in your heart than I would ask that you observe the way my family and I live, if this is attractive to you then I can show you the ways of my faith ~smiles~, but I would never condemn nor hate anyone, nor do I get angry over faith, perhaps if you threatened my family or I perceived you as a threat I would thrash you in a second before I could even think about it.  Thank God my wife knows this and protects me from society.  She is the blessed angel that God has sent me.  My children are blessed children who listen to their parents…they are humble and volunteer for community service, but we never force people to see eye to eye with us, nor do we want to force it upon them…that is God’s domain and his grace alone ~smiles~.  My job is to love as my faith dictates, as my savior dictates…

Mariah had a great birthday yesterday.  I put some pictures up of the kids.  It was mostly church friends and family.  The house was all decorated with streamers and stuff.  Of course I did not take any pictures of decorations ~chuckles~.

 

Mariah got all Barbie and Disney Princesses stuff.  I love Barbie, and not because she is physically proportionately impossible, but because no matter what happens she always stays up beat and optimistic ~smiles~.  Compared to the majority of cartoons out there Barbie seems to be one of the few that has any kind of definable morals or virtues ~chuckles~.

 

We got Mariah a new 16” Disney Princess bike.  We were talking about old huffys’ and how hard it was just to change a bolt when we were kids ~laughs~.  I remember trying to use my teeth, and when we did find a wrench we all managed to find a way to strip out the bolt that tightened the seat to the post, so the seat always spun around, except with huffy banana seats because they had forks that went onto the back tire ~chuckles~.  Now days you just pull a small level and the seat goes right up.

 

At anyrate, I hope everyone is doing well in cyber land ~smiles~…

I am finally putting up a couple pictures from the backpacking trip last summer.  And a few pictures of Mariah in her Tooth Fairy costume ~smiles~.

 

Everything is going well.  The new computer runs like a champ and I have already made several backups ~grins~.  Screw me once, my bad, screw me twice your bad, but you will never screw me three times ~grins~.

 

I am not as fat as I was in those pictures.  I have been taking “Hoodia” and it has been doing wonders.  Anything that staves off Marijuana and Alcohol munchies has my vote ~smiles~.

 

Saturday is Mariah’s Birthday.  She will be 5 this year.  Malachi’s Birthday is the 26^th of November.  He was actually born on Thanksgiving Day in 1992.  Sheesh, now he will be 14 and I am feeling OLD! ~chuckles~  such is life.

 

Enjoy the pictures ~smiles~ …

Today is my wife (Julie) and my 14-year anniversary.  I will tell you how we met, the trials and tribulations, and where we are at today.

 

My wife and I met at McDonalds back in 89’.  She was so beautiful, fun-loving and had huge melons ~snickers~.  I love melons!  I worked as a night clean up guy at McDonalds and she was in management training.

 

My wife’s parents despised me when we first met.  They did not like me because I didn’t go to church, so that made me ungodly.  I was also a party animal.  The kind that swore he’d never get married.  That fact that her parents didn’t like me made her cling to me more ~chuckles~.  Funny how that works.

 

We dated for 2yrs before she got pregnant.  Her parents really weren’t happy about that.  Pregnancy out of wedlock is ungodly ~smiles~.  I lived in a nice part of the town and she lived with her parents for 22 years until she married me.

 

I went to college for Computer Science and met some big time drug dealers, well it wasn’t long before I was packing a .45, driving a Lexus and gone 24hrs a day from the house.  I don’t know how my wife hung on during those dark years when I was a Satanist.  The only thing I can think of is God sent her to save my life, and perhaps my soul.

 

When my son was about 2yrs old I could no longer live with myself and the life that I was living.  I could not stop doing the methamphetamines.  I was shooting up over a half gram a pop.  But the guilt had finally got to me.  I tried quitting myself several times, but I never could, so I checked myself into a very nice rehabilitation home.

 

From that point on I was clean for over 5.5yrs.  It wasn’t until Fibromyalgia started taking over my body that I started smoking Marijuana again.  That is all I do now, and drink a couple beers on the weekend.  My wife hates the smell of it, but prefers me to be on it.

 

My wife (and her father) have an incredible work ethic.  They just do it and rarely miss a day of work even when they are sick.  My wife became a manager for McDonalds for 10yrs.  I was taught to hate work but do it anyways ~chuckles~.  She hated that job…I am so glad she works at SAFECO now, and she loves the professional attitude.  She got a $3000 raise last year ~smiles~.  So she makes almost 30k by herself.  Once I get my disability I will be making $672, plus I have my IT skills.

 

I worked at white’s boots for over 5yrs.  Something happened to me in my mind.  It changed and became uncontrollable, so between the chronic pain and digestive problems I started getting angry.  I tried to start a union because White’s Boots treats their employees like crap.  They were making crappy products so they could make money, so I wanted a union to fix it, unfortunately 9/11 happened so the Union had other work to do and hung me out to dry.  I was fired, but when I went up to my boss’s office I don’t know what happened to me.  I destroyed his room and tried to shove his fat little ass out the second story window, but he was too fat and wouldn’t fit.  Probably a good thing ~chuckles~

 

I went back to school to finish up my Computer Science/IT degrees.  I started working for Pizza Pipeline.  I was there for a couple years.  One of the corporate big wigs started yelling at me one day treating me like shit because I flipped some asshole off and he called in.  I leaped out of my car and he ran behind a full huge garbage dumpster.  I ran into it and pushed it back about 3ft.  This is when he left a piss trail into the store to call 911.  He is lucky he was skinny and could run fast.  The funny thing is he was fired from his cushy supervisor position for embezzlement ~snickers~.

 

About 5 years ago we went through some rough times.  We didn’t even know if we wanted to be married to each other anymore.  Julie got pregnant with our second child.  Our daughter Mariah, so we held off the inevitable and decided we would work our way through it.  Well she started attending church again with her parents.  I can’t even begin to tell you much easier that made life.  It was obvious that a lot of problems stemmed from having no rules, boundaries, spiritual foundation etc.  She got those at church.  I have been separated from God before and no how lonely and crazy it can make one.

 

Today everything is great.  She is more beautiful today than she was when we first met.  I use to love going out partying, but it got to where I wanted to be home whenever I was out, so it made sense to me to just stay home.  I don’t party but once a month or so now.  It is amazing how a loving wife and beautiful children can help one see the light ~smiles~.  It saddens me when I see children being abused, and believe me there are millions of ways to abuse little ones.  Parents do a good job of fucking up their kids without even knowing it ,so I am very mindful of how I react to my chitins ~smiles~.  My family is the most precious thing I own, well them and my link to God ~smiles~.

 

I think we are going to go out to Outback’s tonight.  My wife told me not to drink (because it’s so expensive at restaurants) and she would get me some Tequila and mix to make margaritas! Yum yum.

 

It’s funny because even though I am sick and dying.  I am happier than I have ever been.  I go through bouts of depression and rage from time to time, but I have never been happier.  I don’t even know how I lived so long and got so lucky.  It’s kind of ironic once I stopped partying and started living the good life that God wanted me to live, now I am dying ~snickers~.  Oh God truly does have some irony, but at least I won’t die being Godless like I use to be ~smiles~.

 

I hope you had a great anniversary Gail ~smiles~.  And I hope you all are having a great day…blessings from me and mine, to you and yours…

 

Today’s song is by Blackmore’s Rainbow.  I am sure some of you know Ritchie Blackmore from Blackmore’s Rainbow, well he got married and now his and his wife go around the country singing folklore music ~smiles~.  I won’t need to put down the lyrics because you can hear the words…

Wow, today I have been visiting my friends sites and everything seems to be about God today ~chuckles~ (regardless of who your God is).  I went to Alien Hunter’s site and he had a funny Christian joke ~chuckles~.  I am that Big ole non - greasy biker guy ~chuckles~.

 

This has spawned me to speak on a topic that has seem to be long forgotten in the modern neo fluffy Xianism today.  That topic would be meditation.

 

The reason I am speaking about this is because most Christians no longer meditate, which was something Jesus did a good time of his day.  He meditated all the time to reach that peaceful place.  Sometimes my blogs misrepresent me and I might seem to be a little violent or brazen at times.  Well 95% of the time my soul is calm, and it is because of meditation.

 

Most churches I have visited in the last decade are what I like to call “Dry Wells”.  There is nothing in them and most the people seem to be quite plastic/fake.  They go to church every Sunday (like my wife and kids) dressed up and acting way different than they do at home.  Everyone smiles at each other and he or she fellowship.  I have nothing against fellowship.  I just don’t believe spirituality and vanity go together, if I remember correctly is was one of Satan’s deadly sins ~chuckles~.

 

Recently I have come to the conclusion with the help of God that the reason Xianism is failing our country is because of the lack of true spirituality and the inability to follow their own doctrines as a whole.  But this isn’t really suppose to be a podium to thrash on neo-xianists.  This is actually about meditation, which can help you, regardless of what religion you are.

 

Meditation was a gift from God to help us calm our inherently noisy and naturally malevolent souls.  It is a place of quiet where one can reflect and repair spiritual damage, and perhaps in later years even cure mind and body.  The reason Christ, Buddha, Mohammed, etc. meditated was to put them in direct communication with God in the subconscious environment.

 

Meditation is usually misconstrued as the OM/AUM of the Hindu Trinity.  I use many forms of media for meditation.  Sometimes when I am in the wilderness I meditate and open up to everything around me in nature and the purpose of nature in God’s plan.  Sometimes I listen to cultural music like Gregorian Chants, Native American Ceremonial, Celtic, and even more modern music.  I actually use meditation and music to program my emotions.  If I am in a spiritual rut I can play a certain kind of music and get deep within my soul to rearrange my index of maladjustments ~snickers~.

 

I have recently been using the G-Force Platinum Visuals for meditation.  All I can say is WOW!  What a tool.  It almost does what long-term meditation can do, or hallucinogenics.

 

So I guess today’s Sunday School lesson is about getting in touch with God through meditation and to not believe the name brand meditations that say you must do it a certain way to achieve enlightenment.  Regardless of who your God(s) is/are.

 

I made some artwork with the G-Force program.  It is in my photo albums.  Please use the larger photo album.  The little pictures don’t give justice to the art form ~smiles~.

 

After reading AH’s blog I decided to throw up an old joke.  I remodified it a bit.  But it shows the misconstrued view of Christians and their inability to hear or see God…despite filling the pews every Wednesday and Sunday.

 

I hope all of you are doing marvelous…to you all I give prayer and blessing, love from my family to your.

 

As Katrina flooded New Orleans a preacher prayed and ask God for help.

 

Some guys came by in a huge 4X4 to give the man a lift, but the preacher refused stating that God would never let harm come to him.

 

About 20 minutes later it is up to his chest.  Some rescue workers came by on a boat and asked if the man needed saving.  The preacher said that he didn't need to be saved because he had God, so eventually the rescue workers went on to help others.

 

The preacher finds himself almost drowning as a helicopter flies overhead dropping down a ladder.  The preacher signals them to go away.  He knew in his heart with all his faith that God would let no harm come to him, so the helicopter finally left.

 

About 10 minutes later the preacher drowned.  As he stood in line at St. Peter's gates, he could not believe that God had let him die.  A steadfast servant of God since childhood.

 

When he finally makes it to God he asks why did you let me die down on earth?

 

God said to him, "I sent you a 4X4, a boat and a helicopter but you were too stupid to see!"

 

I love that joke!  It displays how far off track a lot of Christians are, and how they can become blinded by their own faith ~smiles~.

11/5/2006 11:46:29 AM

I have finally got the computer all perfect and backed up, now virtually nothing can happen to it.  I made the last one operational for 5 years.  I bought that Gateway back in 2001.  That is when I first got Broadband Cable.  It was a screaming 733MHz with a Front Side Bus of 133Mhz ~snickers~.  It had a 64MB Geforce.  Top of the line flagship of the day.

 

Today I put together my own computer and still saved about $1000 ~smiles~.

 

This computer is a AMD 64bit 4000+/2.40GHz…2GBs of PC3200 DDR RAM configured in Dual Channel mode.  That means instead of one RAM memory having to fill up before it can move on, it jams them in two – four slots for an extremely fast information exchange.  The FBS on this one is over 1000MHz ~grins~.  I put in a 300GB SATA Hard drive, and I have a 250GB USB External that I use for backing up my HDD.  I got a DVD RW with all formats.  I just took the floppy out of my old computer and stuffed it in here….I have a Geforce graphics card 7300…not the best but damn it sure looks nice compared to the old 64MB GeForce…the old one even had S-Video ~chuckles~.  The new one has 512MB of VRAM ~smiles~.

 

I got back on to Everquest (Ever-crack).  Actually Julie wanted to get back on so I was caught in the undertow ~snickers~.  I ran into an old friend named Aphyon on the Morell Thule server.  It was nice.  I was all alone in the Plane of Nightmares kiting some creatures.  I played on it for years, but our computer just got too slow and it became a hassle.  So I went to the most laggy place in Everquest and not a single bit of lag ~chuckles~.

 

I did get a new program called G-force Visuals.  I can’t even begin to tell you all how this is helping therapeutically.  I love creating art using the program.  Look up in my picture album; I will display some of my favorite creations there. Please used the enlarged viewer to look at the details.  That little window does not do them justice ~crinkles nose~.

 

You might wonder why I have the same song on?  Or not ~chuckles~.  Anyways, I lost all 10GB of my music ~sighs~.  I have my entire Black Sabbath and System of A Down collection back.  I am currently working on Pink Floyd at the moment.

 

I will have to get back to getting some of my soundtracks back ~smiles~.  They are the best to meditate to.  I have been using Gforce as a meditation aid, and all I can say is WOW!

 

Well I hope you are all doing well…

I am so glad I studied computer science!  I am sure you all remember my incident with the Motherboard.  If not, well I was drinking a few beers ~snickers~ and putting together my new computer, and I wedged the RAM in wrong (even though they say you can’t do it) and blew out the motherboard and a stick of RAM.

 

I got the new motherboard on Tuesday, October 31^st.  It got here around 5pm.  I started working on it around the same time.  I got it all put together but when I fired her up she didn’t beep through post.

 

I called the motherboard company “Gigabyte”, and they ran me through some tests to eliminate the motherboard as the problem with the “Dual Channel RAM” issue.  That did eliminate the motherboard, so I called “ULTRA”, which is the maker of the RAM I got.  They said it must be either a compatibility issue between the RAM or the motherboard and the RAM.  I told them of their claim; Guaranteed Compatibility!  I didn’t get anything from them for my time or effort.  Oh wait, yes I did.  They accidentally sent me an extra stick of RAM, so I guess I did get $100 back ~snickers~.  If not, I would have waited for the RAM to get mailed back and then wait for them to mail it back too me ~sighs~.  I can send them the two sticks now and get a different name brand.

 

Anyways, I went to sleep Wednesday at 4:30am and woke up at 8am to take care of house cleaning, my daughter, etc.  My computer is up and running.  I was going to make a backup and BLAMMO!; my new computer crashes!  After spending two days getting her up and running, tweaked and ready to go.

 

But she is up now and I am going to try my first back up, so if you don’t see me for a couple days you’ll know why ~snickers~.

If I didn’t know what I was doing.  I would be buying a $2500 computer from a specialty computer store.  And then I would have to pay a computer technician $100 a pop each time it crashed ~cackles~, so in that respect I am lucky ~smiles~.  I have been doing computers as a hobby since the first commodores and TSR’s ~chuckles~.  Look at us now ~smiles~.

 

I am back together with the Universe!  I had separated myself from God for a few days, and boy was I lonely ~frowns~, but all is well again and I am forgiven ~cheers~.

 

Mariah was a fairy for Halloween…I will post the pictures later today or tomorrow.  She was so cute.  She is at a church friends birthday party today.  I find it humorous that we tell our kids all year don’t talk to strangers, don’t take candy from strangers, yet once a year they go to many strangers houses and accept candy from them and talk! ~chuckles~.

 

Did you know Halloween is the 3^rd favorite day of Satan?  The first favorite day of Satan (for lack of a better word) is the demon he created called “Vanity”, so Satan/Dark Lord’s favorite day is the Birthday.  It is a special day held sacred and reserved for one’s self.  It is the one day that “Vanity” has free reign over other emotions ~chuckles~.

 

Walpurgesnacht is the story of a nun who died at a certain spot (google it), well there is a rock at her death spot that secretes a certain type of oil…called (you guessed it) Walpurgesnacht Oil ~snickers~.  I can’t remember why Anton Zsandor LaVey (High Priest of Satan) said it was the second…I should look it up again…it’s been years ~smiles~.

 

Then 3^rd is Halloween.  The one-day a year Paganistic Christians of the old country celebrated demons, death and the scaring away of such abominations.

 

Since I was a child I can always remember the kid with the razor or poison in his apple.  It started a great scare in the early 70’s, but it was an Urban Legend.  In the last 40 years only 4 children have died do to “Halloween Incidents”, and their own kin poisoned them all.  It’s crazy the way media controls everyone’s minds.  I find it magnificently fascinating, especially through the mediums of Cyberspace and Boobtube Space.

 

I don’t know if any of you have heard of G-Force Visuals, but they rock.  You should check it out.  I got the platinum version with all the controls and frills.  I have made some specific designs for meditation to go with Passion of Christ, Native American, Celtic, etc.  I have found it healing and very powerful medicine.  I have been spending many hours meditating.  I find cultural music works best, especially if it has no words, or has mystic words i.e. Gregorian Chants, Temple, ceremonial, etc.  I don’t think people meditate enough personally.

 

I have been meditating for decades.  I achieved at the age of 14 what Buddhist Monks spend their entire lives to achieve by taking a simple man-made substance called LSD ~smiles~.  If you want to know where your soul lies take a couple grams of shroom, peyote, etc.  You’ll find out damn quick what you need to fix in your soul ~chuckles~.  It has caused some people to go mad (Charles Mason, Jim Jones, etc.), but for those who listen to the sublime impulses of God know that love, justice and goodness should prevail.

 

I haven’t had any hallucinogenics in three or four years.  I know my soul needs a good cleansing, and perhaps some restructuring.  I just haven’t been able to find any.  I like to fry during the day in late spring.  I go out to the woods or a lake with a backpack of supplies and don’t come back until I’m done ~smiles~.  Mushrooms have been a great healing aid in the past.  I attribute it with many mental, health and spiritual advances, despite my inability to control the demons at times.  I like the day because everything is so beautiful, even the smallest of colored funguses growing on tress and in the ground…every leaf, weed, insect, etc. is understood.  My place in the universe is understood.  I truly consider it a “Spiritual Enema”.  I would never say it’s the way!  But I would definitely say it is a way ~smiles~.

 

How many Christians remember the story of Saul, specifically when he was “Anointed” with sacred oils and sent into the wilderness to seek the spirit of God?  Go down a few verses and you’ll see they find him naked in the fetal position shivering.  That is what a hippy would call a “Bad Trip”.  The oils had Cannabis, and local hallucinogenics, so you would go into a collective and subconscious realm.  Believe it or not ~chuckles~.  It’s no sweat off my back ~smiles~.

 

Anyways, I hope you are all doing well…Enjoy your weekend ~smiles~…

The wife wants to play “Ever-Crack” again, so we needed a new computer.  Now I have been an IT professional and a hobbyist, so when I tell you about the dumbass mistake I made you will have some perspective on why I did the things I did., and how the demon of denial made me even stupider, but it is my body, mind and spirit, and I should have full control of those faculties, but I don’t ~sighs~.

 

I ordered a nice “Barebones” kit from Tigerdirect.com.  I put the entire thing together but was not getting a POST beep.  My other computer was already dismantled and wiped clean, even though I had a full backup.

 

I did something that they say is impossible to do…I put the RAM in backwards.  It fried it out immediately, so I lost a motherboard and two sticks of 512 PC3200+ DDR400.  The total?  Around $200, so I had to buy another motherboard and some better RAM.  Putting RAM in is a simple task…I guess that’s why they call it dope! ~sighs~.  If I had to pay for this computer from a game builder, I would have to pay $2000, so I did actually do better than if I didn’t know how to do all this stuff.

 

What happens is I get stressed out and before I know it I am in full alert.  Some of you have severe PTSD, so you know what I am talking about ~sighs~.  I was severely stressed, and for no apparent reason.  I should have meditated right there, but instead I allowed the demon of denial to enter my body, spirit and mind.  My heart was hardened and I directed my anger to God.  Thank goodness it is a loving and forgiving God ~smiles~.  Only God truly knows what is going on with me.  This caused the unfortunate and retarded mistake that I made ~sighs~.

 

I lost $200 and spent another $300 because I allowed myself to be consumed by self-righteous anger.  Normal people can stop that before it gets critical, however because of another demon I played with while walking the shadow planes for over a decade.  I don’t get to catch it before it happens.  I am not dangerous to family, friends and/or those I love, but I am afraid that I might accidentally hurt someone beyond repair ~cringes~ in a public environment, so it is better for me to hide in my house ~smiles~.

 

My psychologist has me on Buspar twice a day for the last several months, but my wife and I agree, there has been no change.  I know we all have our demons to fight and our challenges to overcome.

 

I sure felt like an ass when the demon of anger left me.  It is like the incredible hulk.  I don’t want it to happen, but it does ~sighs~  I am afraid to be in public.  Some would call it a phobia.  I call it “Keeping Society Safe”.

 

I shall continue to meditate and try like hell to control my demons and let God do its part.  I just wanted to make a public apology to God for being a dumbass and treating my best friend ( which God is) like shit.  There is no true hell like separation from one’s God(s).

 

I just want a God who can protect others and me from myself!  I know it doesn’t work that way, but it sure would be a nice change ~smiles~.  Anyways, publicly flogging myself will humble me, and I obviously needed it ~smiles wearily~.  Thanks for letting me share about my inability to control my own emotions at times, which is in violation of every benign doctrine.  Live and learn I always say.  Better than separation from God!

 

At any rate, I got the parts in yesterday, but had problems with the RAM in dual channel mode, so I called the Tech guys at Giga-byte and they ran me through some drills and by process of elimination we learned it was not the “Motherboard” itself.  It must be the RAM, so  I have to mail in the old RAM, which means my computer wouldn’t be able to run without RAM.  Luckily, TigerDirect accidentally put two 1024’s in on box, so I got a total of 3 for the price of 2 ~chuckles~.  Now I can send those back and still use my computer, so not all is lost ~smiles~.

 

I still need to fix the sound for some reason.  All in all, I am back up and running though ~cheers~.

 

I don’t lag or delay at sites on “Live Spaces” anymore ~cheers~….