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12月31日 Raising The Rent, I'm Raising the Roof!Well for once I can say nothing is going on my life, so much so that I haven’t even been able to find anything to write about until yesterday.
I came home yesterday from going to the store and getting a six-pack of “Becks Dark” and some other stuff. I came home and there was a parade of pissed off people in front of my house and they were all mean looking ~chuckles~.
I get out of my van and everyone starts telling me they raised our rent. This is suppose to be subsidized housing for disability and welfare. They have raised our rent almost $100 in the last 4 months. We will now have to pay $625/month, which is comparable to houses in the nice neighborhood of Spokane. I just don’t understand. They don’t let you lease after your first year so they can purposely jack up the rent.
Rich people help pay for the upkeep and get nice tax credits, so they aren’t really doing it out of the niceness of their hearts but for a tax shelter, which they get the government welfare to pay the rest.
Anyways, I am looking into the laws and have called the Poverty Law Clinic and ACLU. Hopefully one of them will pick up the ball and publicly shame the elite rich into paying their portion.
They say it is because they took out a 70,000-dollar loan to fix the place. In six months not a fucking thing has been prepared or repaired around here. I am sure someone needs to make a fucking yacht payment! I can hear the wealthy that have everything saying, “We aren’t putting anymore money into this take it from the poor and downtrodden.”
I have devised at least 20 ways to kill them all. The worst part is I have no pot so might do something stupid like I did yesterday ~chuckles~. Without pot my mind spins so fast I am incapable of turning it off. It is like cyclone of confusion, anger and thoughtlessness. I told my wife what is going on so she can keep a good eye on me today ~grins~.
Many of you might wonder if I am capable of taking life…well why the hell do you think I have severe PTSD? You only get that from being in the shit. I guess they have another name for it for those who haven’t been in the shit (gun fights/killing) and it is called Panic Disorder. Whatever you call it, it sucks! It keeps me in my house most the time, especially when I don’t have anything to slow down the mind. I have probably left my house twice maybe four times in the last month. When I don’t have pot (and I won’t take ding biscuits) society isn’t safe. Well my friend and I ran out for another week or so and I don’t have any money for any, so I will just stay out of the public eye ~sighs~. I’m a housewife so I am pretty much stuck here anyways ~chuckles~.
Malachi is spending the weekend with his cousins Jarred and Stephanie. You might remember me talking about him smoking pot and bringing me some one time. I don’t think kids should smoke pot. I believe it should be regulated much like alcohol, but god forbid anyone have any common sense plan for getting us out of our 4 trillion dollar deficit ~grins~.
Anyways, I guess Jared’s dad (Kurt) caught on to what was happening and they pissed tested him, so now he is busted ~grins~. Kurt will never take any responsibility for his kids use. I look at Jarred and see me at the same age…a person who sees nothing by lies and hypocrisy and rebels in any form possible. I hated my life…I hated my parents…and the only thing that would make it go away was hard dope, which caused most the problems of health that I have today.
The worst thing is Kurt’s best friends from High School in Kellogg Idaho were supplying it for him and giving him painkillers to sale at school. I doubt his dad knows that part of it. Good friends huh? I am so glad that I am whom I am that my boy doesn’t even have the desire to smoke. I am sure he is curious but he has seen what it does to kids first hand. His best friend for a long time was my best friend’s (David) stepson Ryan.
Ryan got into pot and slowly went from being an energy force of life who rode dirt bikes, skateboarded and was always on the go…to a depressing, dark, lazy, and always on the search for pot loser. ~sighs~ The stereotype that NORML and I are trying to shed light on. Most people who smoke pot are hardworking citizens who prefer Marijuana to alcohol (god forbid), they have normal social lives and hold positions in the finest thought of establishments. Well over 35 million of us documented in jails and courts around the country. In 2005 784,000+ people were arrested on minor Marijuana charges causing them to lose out on education grants, welfare programs (ruined by the court), etc. The Higher Education Act only hurts the poor and has zero affect on drug using rich elite kids. Look at that loser George Bush who paid for his grades and still only a C+ student, so I guess any retard can be president now ~snickers~. But Bush would still be president, meanwhile a kid who tried pot once and got busted can never go to college….sounds like they are creating a race of slaves to serve them!
Mariah has spent the last couple nights at her old friend Corry’s house. They use to be our next-door neighbors. So we have been kid free for the weekend ~cheers~. I miss them, but my house has never been clean for a whole weekend ~chuckles~. It’s nice not following behind them all day for a couple days ~smiles~. Benedicting Monks of St. Michael's Cathedereal I'm going Slightly Mad When the outside temperature rises
12月26日 Day After XmasHowdy All,
Xmas eve was spent with my wife’s family. We ate, we laughed, and we opened presents. I got lots of pictures that I’ll post. They are from Xmas Eve and Xmas day in two different spots. The kids got to open presents twice ~smiles~. It has become a two-day tradition now that we all have families.
I got a Subscription to High Times AAA Road Assistance, an Orange County Chopper beer stein. I got some Jalapeño/cheddar and summer sausage from my next-door neighbors. It’s Shcwan’s too ~smiles~.
Grandma and Grandpa Summerhill gave Malachi a Cell phone ~chuckles~. What teenager doesn’t need one of those? And they got Mariah a really big Barbie Corvette convertible that came with a Barbie. Mariah also got a Hanna Montana CD. She loves Hanna ~smiles~. She also got one of them Princess video games that you just plug into the TV. She has been torn between what to do and what to play with ~chuckles~.
Julie and I usually just buy something small for us. I got $20 to buy albums at this Mp3 site, so I got like 10-15 albums. I got several Gregorian Chants by the Benedictine Monks of St. Michael’s Abbey, and then I got a bunch of real Celtic Music, so I had hours of fun yesterday downloading and situating my music. Of course I didn’t want to lose all those so I did a full back up on my hard drive ~grins~. I now have 10.2 gigs of music on my computer ~smiles~. Most of you remember I lost all of my music when I was rebuilding computer, well I got it all back plus some ~laughs~.
I haven’t been playing Everquest for the last couple of days because of the holidays ~smiles~. I came on to say hi to everyone and merry Xmas and then logged off. I did make 69th level though before signing off for the holidays.
I am getting much better at flying my Me262. I can shoot people out of the sky left and right now ~grins~. Except online…those guys are either really good or cheater ~laughs~. I haven’t figured out yet.
I hope loved ones and family surrounded you all. I hope your Xmas was warm and loving… 12月21日 The Demon of Pre-Christmas!Yesterday sucked. Every time around this time of the year my wife gets a wild hair and feels the need to berate me about everything I do when most of it is her choice ~chuckles~.
Most of you know I ran out of medication and have about a month to live. My wife asked me a few weeks ago if I could make it without my meds. It sounded like a good idea at the time. It was either that or the kids had absolutely no Xmas (thanks Oregon State Patrol for having obscure laws). That $240 ticket sure didn’t help.
Anyways, yesterday I felt like shit and had terrible headaches all day. Something I never get, only when I am close to having a stroke or heart attack, so I made a snide comment about I’ll probably be dead by the end of the day ~chuckles~. I’m such an over exaggerator, but my point was to keep an eye on me incase I go quiet.
This was obviously the last straw for what the wife perceived as a direct attack on her! Which it wasn’t. I just have a dark way of getting my point across that cuts to the quick. Well she came in and started grillin’ me and yellin’ at me ~sighs~. I told her calmly that this was not helping my already exacerbated blood pressure or heart, so she continues to grill me ~grins~.
I won’t go into the details of what she said, but they really hurt me. And there is nothing I can do about the things she said. I’m dying for Christ’s sakes ~laughs~. Anyways, I asked her why she had all this hate as I got calmer and calmer she got more fired up. I am apparently the ruiner of Xmas ~sighs~.
She finally broke down and cried because she had realized what she had done after a very long in-depth discussion. My wife (Julie) is the kind of person who doesn’t like surprises (of the bad kind) and needs everything spelled out for her even though we have been married for over 14 years ~chuckles~. I am a person who speaks in parables and believes everyone should innately know what to do in any situation. This can make our relationship stressed. Not often but it does happen. I am no angel to live with either, but feel myself to be mostly rational considering the circumstances of my existence, or what is left of it.
She realized that she picked mammon over me. It was more important for her class and rank to buy presents for people as opposed to getting my medication. She felt really bad once she understood what she had done ~frowns~. I felt bad too because I hate to force myself or anyone else to see the truth. It is usually not how we perceive it most the time ~smiles wearily~
This is why I hate Xmas. It causes nothing but problems for millions of people. More people die of heart attacks, strokes and depression this time of the year than many months combined. It is a time when people are vicious to each other (black Friday for example) for the sake of one of the most passive prophets/saviors in the world to date ~sighs~. It has seemingly become a whoring sphere that Mammon now almost fully controls ~sighs~. It is sad too because of what the spirit of God had intended for Xmas to be.
She is just really afraid my time is short and it makes her angry. She is just angry with God and life. I don’t have the keys of eternity. It’s not my call ~smiles~. I don’t want to die, but I am more than ready too ~smiles wearily~.
At any rate, she asked for forgiveness and forgetfulness which of course God and I gave her ~smiles~. So after today it is forgotten. We all become weak and lose touch with reality sometimes, usually because of some perceived fear (false evidence appearing real) or social status pushes us into the domain of dark spirits and demons. Most people don’t realize we are merely vessels and it is what we allow ourselves to be filled with which determines who we are. We have freewill but so often never use it to change outcomes.
So I implore you all to keep track of your demons on this loving holiday and keep them bottled up for a just a few days more and the loving spirit of Xmas will come around and cleanse us all ~smiles~.
Now on to something completely different:
I am finally shooting down P-51’s in my Me262. All I can say is that damn plane is fast. I have to keep it under 600mph just to keep the wings from ripping off. I have been taking on 4 random P-51’s at a time (meaning exp ranges from rookie to ACE). Most I have killed without being shot down is 12. 3 round of 4 planes, so I am getting better! Practice makes perfect ~smiles~.
Lilandraa who is a very close friend of mine since 1998 on the world of Everquest has been really helping me out lately ~smiles~. She ran me up to level 68 the other day and then gave me 50K in platinum to buy my spells and stuff. We are suppose to hunt together tonight ~smiles~. I’ll probably be 69 tomorrow or later tonight ~smiles~. I have reclaimed a lot of friends who I have lost when I quit for a couple years. It is nice to know I still have friends on EQ ~smiles~. It sure helps pass the time when I don’t have housework. It beats sitting around feeling sorry for myself ~smiles~, or finding ways to get into trouble ~snickers~.
Today is a much better day. Yesterday I was so sick I didn’t play any video games. I tried but just couldn’t get the sickness out of my system. I smoked a bowl that instantly raises your blood pressure for about 30 minutes. This was good too because once the pressure lowered the headaches were almost gone ~smiles~. God I love pot! No wonder every religious institution has used it at one point or another ~smiles~ along with hallucinogenics.
Today’s song is from a group I have recently started listening to in the last couple years. I put this song on because I cannot stand to see my wife cry even when she is wrong, because I love her so much it hurts…I will put the words on it even though they probably don’t need to be.
Black Label Society Hangover Music, Vol. 6
Woman Don't Cry 12月18日 Flying High Again!I have been talking with Kevin Oliver of NORML. He is suppose to call me tonight, or I am going to call him. Either way will hook up on the phone tonight. We have been corresponding through email and it looks like the new NORML chapter will be started sometime after Christmas. I look forward to spending more time helping educate the hearts and minds of people brainwashed by our wonderful government.
I watched monster house with the family last night. I liked it even though it might have been a little too scary for kids under 5. It said it was a family movie ~chuckles~. Anyways, after the movie I watched CNN and these guys were arguing over how everything is affecting our economy. If five economists can’t even come together with an accurate truth then why the hell do you need a college degree?! Hell, I can find information and make an assumption. The sad thing is these guys have 100k salaries or higher to sit around an argue. I am great at arguing, ask my wife ~snickers~.
My dad taught me how to debate decades ago. Even though some of my idealisms are seemingly ludicrous I feel they all have validation based upon my experiences and observations. Sure they are generalizations, so why can’t I get paid 100K a year to argue?
My friends and brother have been asking me why I don’t watch sports anymore (short of Rally Car Racing). I tell them because they have ruined all sports with greed and free trade. Arod gets $33,000 per inning…I’m sorry but no one is worth that. I don’t care who the hell you are!!! I am sickened by watching kids getting 90 million dollar contracts before they even leave high school, only to have them rape some girl or get busted for drugs. Sports sicken me because of the outrageous amounts of money people make to play them.
I don’t watch a lot of TV either for the same reason. I don’t think the people on CSI are worth 300,000 dollars an episode or more. It is the same as every stupid cop show ever invented. It seems like television and cable is about 95% shit and about 5% decent programming i.e. Discovery, The Learning Channel, The Comedy Channel, The History Channel, and A&E. It is a matter of personal preference. I choose to learn the vast majority of the time. Hell, I am probably more educated than 50% of the morons on television ~chuckles~. Am I jealous? No, perhaps a bit envious that regular people make super amounts of money, but I am not jealous of people who have money because it comes with its own set of problems.
Ron Preyuer is a big wig in what use to be Amway. He has a multimillion-dollar house on Liberty Lake with vaulted ceilings stretching over 25’ high. It seems like they have everything, but they are more fucked up than most poor people I know ~snickers~. Not only that, but they have had one of their children murdered (kidnapping) and their other children have been kidnapped as well for huge ransoms. I prefer to be poor if it means the safety of my children ~smiles~. Where there is money there will be predators to prey on the money-grubbing leaf eaters ~smiles~.
In most religions money is talked about as the evil and powerful demonic entity it can become i.e. Mammon, Mamon. I knew some rich people and they weren’t very nice because they didn’t know who they could trust ~sighs~. When you have money you don’t know whether people are your friends because one has money, or because they really like you, so birds of a feather tend to flock together so that the rich hang around the rich so they don’t have to worry about such questions. It’s sad.
My wife and I argue about the rich Christians in her church. I tell her Jesus said, “It would be easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to see the gates of heaven.” It doesn’t specify what kind of rich people either. It doesn’t say that rich Christians are automatically saved because they are Christians. It says if you are rich it is very unlikely you will see heaven, because in Christ’s/ God’s mind if your rich you aren’t helping enough in the world ~smiles~, so it is unlikely that you will ever see heaven regardless of religious denomination. Don’t get mad at me! The Christian God said it, or his son to be precise ~grins~.
I drank an entire 1/5th of Evan Williams last night ~chuckles~. And stayed up till after 2AM flying around drunk in my Me262. I couldn’t hit the broad side of a mountain in that jet. I think it’s too fast. I am use to much slower planes like the F4F – Wildcat, F6F – Hellcat, F4U Corsair and the P-51D Mustang. I have actually ripped the wings off the 262 traveling at speeds of nearly 700mph. I think there are a couple reasons: 1) The jet is just to damn fast and I don’t have the experience needed to fly it yet, but I’ll get there! 2) Its armament is dual 30mm cannons that fire much slower than standard .50 Caliber machine gun rounds.
My all time favorite plane is the P-38 Lightning produce by Lockheed in the very early 40’s. She had dual supercharged engines and enough ammo to sink a battle ship. I can’t remember the name of the Colonel who had the highest kills in WWII, but he shot down 31 planes in his operations. The P-38 armament consists of 4 to 5 .50 Caliber machine guns and a 20mm cannon. She flies like a bathtub so you need to fly through you enemy and just keep flying ~chuckles~. Then make a wide sweeping turn and come at the enemy again. I have probably logged a good 10,000 hours in a P-38 and can usually do a number on multiple enemies, especially when I start firing that 20mm into some poor saps backside. The 20mms had exploding heads on them, so when they hit a plane they just didn’t put a hole in it. They exploded and took nice chunks of cable, wiring and hydraulics with it ~grins~.
My son Malachi brought home his progress report. Straight A’s ~cheers & woots~ That’s mah boy! He was at church all day yesterday being a roadie for the annual Christmas play at his church. He is starting to get into to girls so we had the talk. You know the one where you tell them their heart may get ripped apart 1000 times before they find the right girl and young love is very very strong and can make you do some stupid shit ~smiles~. So at least I told him, but who knows he may fall in love and marry the first girl he hooks up. Doubtful but possible. My mom and dad knew each other from the time they were 4 years old ~smiles~.
I am out of pot again! ~grins~. I have about 15 in the flower room now, 4 mothers and 18 new clones. They were stressed really badly so I have been fighting to get them to root properly. The new clones have very healthy roots ~cheers~. I have two in full bloom and will pull them next week. After that, it takes about 10 days to dry the herb out enough to smoke it. Wet/fresh Marijuana only has 33% of its THC capability. Once dried it has about 85% THC and only curing it for the next couple weeks will bring it up to full potential. Meaning, taste, high, and crystallization. ~smiles~.
I don’t have any money for my meds. I am out of all of them, so I just need to live till January 15th and I can get them again ~smiles~. I don’t really care about my medications anyways. Everyone else seems to, especially my doctor. Last time I stopped taking them he gave me 2 months to live ~chuckles~, so my mom paid for them. She loves me and doesn’t want to see me die ~smiles~. I have less than a month to make it, so I am not too worried. I just don’t like the headaches. It is funny I never got headaches before I started taking medications, now when I am off it I get headaches. Things that make you go hmmm…
Today’s Song is by Black Sabbath from the Eternal Idol album in the late 80’s. Since I was talking about flying WWII planes I thought this song would be proper. It is about the young Japanese men who gave their lives in suicide missions to win the war for their empire. I will put the words down so you can read along to the song as usual ~smiles~…
Black Sabbath Eternal Idol
Glory Ride (4:48)
Winged with steel they fill the air Let's take a chance Dressed to kill where eagles dare And in the morning they'll take a hero's bow Hear them callin' up above all across the skies Hear them call! Now Let's take a chance There's a fire in the sky
12月15日 Friday, Yay! Maybe I Can See My FamilyThanks for the prayers, candles, etc. I am feeling better today and have gotten the house pretty much caught up, but I still feel like a piece of me is missing. I couldn’t find a way to transfer what I feel to human emotion until Lord of the Rings popped into my head. I’ll explain:
Even after dropping the ring into the origin of its creation, thereby destroying it and saving the entire world the wound of the undead ran deep(the things he witnessed), so deep that he left on the Elvin Ships because he could no longer find happiness in his world, and even when he was happy? A part of him was missing. It is weird and strange.
The wife being much like Gail broke out the anointing oils and put some on my head and said some Christian things. It smelled good like a kitchen in the country with cinnamon and apple wafting through the air. I told her it had better have some hallucinogenics in it ~grins~. At least my sarcasm remains ~smiles~.
I am able to get up and around today pretty good. I just have that flu like jello feeling without the fever ~sighs~. It’s like a shell or a muck separating me from reality.
Like many cultures including pre-Christian Jews liberally used hallucinogenics in their sacred anointing oils ~smiles~. I know some of you will fight to the death about this issue ~chuckles~, but let’s not.
I have always used hallucinogenics as a tool of divine gifting. It has been proven in recent reports that LSD gives one a divine inspirational experience that they cannot deny. I prefer the natural hallucinogenics myself, just because you can’t be too sure what is in LSD these days. And because God said he has given us every seed bearing plant and animal to have dominion over and for us to use. It is so ironic that many fight their heritage and it is magnified by the government agencies that propel and advocate a frame of mind for the masses that contradicts the rituals of their ancient forefathers.
I am just glad that I have people who love me and know me, especially my immediate families ~smiles~. Because I don’t know that I could tolerate myself sometimes ~grins~. I would probably kick my own ass! Live and learn (hopefully) I always say.
I got some more laundry to do and need to make lunch for Mariah. My wife told me yesterday just to hold on to her, which I did. Kids are so much closer to God than adults are ~smiles~. Most of us lose our inherent communication with god around the age 7, so children are full of light! ~smiles~.
Once again, thank you all. Slow down for the Holidays! Enjoy the time you have to spend with those you love, and I will do the same ~smiles~
Blessings to All… 12月14日 Snapping the Psychic CordWhat I am gong to say to you today will probably sound crazy, but since when have I cared, this is a place to get thoughts out of my mind so that I can move on with my life.
Day before yesterday my daughter woke up crying from a frightful dream, later that day she told me I had been bitten by a venomous snake. I am a prophet, and now I believe my daughter to carry the genes of her father in that area of mind.
The last time I had a dream about a snake. It was biting my father. He suddenly contracted Hep A from a restaurant and then got the Shingles. I am a dream interpreter like most prophets. If this is true then I should be coming down with the illness soon, which one is anyone’s guess.
Last night I am flying around in my out of body experience like I do from time to time. It’s the only way I can fly legally these days. When a spirit attacked me – ghost. It put its hand through my soul. I could feel the coldness of it as it wrapped its undead hand around my heart. It was on its way to hurt someone I love, so I could not in good conscious let it do its job. I think I won, but I think I also lost ~frowns~.
Today when I woke up I was so weak I could barely get out of bed. Walking was very hard for me this morning, but the worst part is the depression. It is like a depression I have never felt before in my life. Total hopelessness like someone would get before they commit suicide. You all know that suicide is against God’s rules, and I stay alive for those that love me, so suicide is never an option, but I have never felt so empty and hollow in my life ~raises head to look at screen~
I am cold and cannot warm up for anything. I am shaking like a leaf, as if I had Parkinson’s or something along those lines. My fingers appear to be working ok as I can type with few mistakes ~smiles wearily~. Slowly but surely.
I do not believe it was the Angel of Death, because I am not powerful enough to stop that angel, but it was definitely a malevolent spirit of pain and suffering of some form. All I know is I am not right, right now. The shaking is going to drive me mad, so is the cold that I cannot shake off. Anyways, pray for me…and tell the children it is safe to fly again in their dreams ~smiles wearily~… 12月12日 A Normal Sort of DayI went to Art’s today and we watched Talladega Nights with Will Farrell. I don’t even like him but he was really funny in that movie. I thought that “Stranger Than Fiction” looked pretty good too.
We had chilidogs tonight and then watched Pirates of the Caribbean. I love Johnny Depp. He always plays obscure roles, but every once in a while he gets a smash that everyone loves.
I haven’t been doing much. Just smokin’ n’ chillin’ !
I saw my old manager Mike today. He is good friends with Art and I. You might remember me talking about hanging a pizza sign up at his new pizza store that he bought. I think that is really cool, even though he works his ass off. Anyways, I was going to make like $100/week delivering papers on Monday and Tuesday.
I talked to the wife about it and she said I probably shouldn’t do that because needing to watch Mariah and being out in the cold will not help my condition ~sighs~. I tell ya the $400/month seems almost worth it too me, especially since it would be under the table and it wouldn’t screw up my Disability.
Not much going on in my head today… 12月10日 Fear The Beatles/Xmas sucksI keep reading about the stresses and woes of Christmas. I don’t feel any stress during this time of the season. I also don’t believe in the consumer whoring that is our country during Xmas time.
Most people don’t realize that Christmas is actually a Pagan Holiday! It was given to the Norsemen in exchange for their loyalty to Christ. It was either conversion or death to an entire religion/race. It was placed around the Solstice, which would be the actual Pagan Holiday. The Christmas Tree is a Pagan Ritual as well. Jesus was actually born in the Summer and it was a year or more before the wise men got to him.
Every year I watch Black Friday on the television. It shows me the tactless ability of consumer whores to get everything as cheap as possible ~chuckles~. I myself don’t like paying any more than I have to, but I have never ever involved myself in Black Friday, or the Xmas frenzy. I am sure one or two of the deadly sins are being practiced in that ritual.
I tell everyone not to buy me anything. All I want is their love and friendships. I could careless about Christmas. I see so much death, pain, and greed. People are angry like Tasmanian Devils snap at each other over things that should be fun ~throws his arms up~. I like to buy people things when it’s not Christmas.
I’ll be at a store and see something I know would fit someone perfect so I buy it and give it too them. My mom is the same way ~smiles~.
Of course if you don’t go out and buy a bunch of worthless material items you will destroy the economy and throw us into a depression, so buy up! Keep feeding the war machine…owned and operated by the Devil and claimed by Christians everywhere!
My son Malachi has been getting into the Beatles. This scares me and of course I will tell you why.
One of my best friends I had back in the late 70’s and early 80’s. His name was dick. We worked together in Atascadero, CA. Anyways, he was a huge Beatles fan and got me into the Beatles hard. He was a collector and had all the rare albums. If it was the fab four he had it.
One day we came home from work. He didn’t’ go to work that day because he was playing sick. We came home from work and Blue Jay Way was playing from Magical Mystery Tour ~shivers down my spine~. His truck was there but there was no sign of him in the house. We smoked some pot and drank a couple beers. My buddy who was one of our roommates went into Dick’s room to grab something and found him splattered all over his bed. He blew is fucking brains out over a fucking girl!
I haven’t listened to the Beatles in years because I didn’t like thinking about how and why he killed himself. I especially disliked the Blue Jay Way song because it was playing over and over and over. The fire trucks and police showed up and that song just kept playing over and over.
I am sociopath so for me to see and understand why I don’t do something is a major milestone of consciousness. An epiphany.
The reason I am fearful is because young men like my son can just get so depressed over a girl/woman it seems like their little hearts will never love again. It is time that I talk to him about girls. I mean I have always told him if he needed rubbers to let me know. I’d buy them for him. I don’t get embarrassed ~chuckles~.
I mean I need to talk to him about love, so that he knows his heart will be broken a shitload of times before he finds someone like his grandmas or his mom. They are unique women in this day and age. Hell I know more men that sew than women ~chuckles~ nowadays. My heart has been crushed, stomped on, mashed, shot, knifed, etc. And most of them were my fault because I was too immature to be in a relationship. I’m not sure that I am mature enough to be in one now, but I have been for over 14 years ~chuckles~. Mostly because my wife Julie refuses to let me go ~smiles~.
Then again, perhaps since he has grown up in the same city his whole life he will find a girl the first time. Hell love and marriage is a crapshoot anyways. Only determination to commitment will keep it from dissolving. I have fallen in and out of love with my wife the whole 14 years, and she has felt the same, but we just stick it out and then we fall back in love with each other. It’s like Steve Gaskin says, “Check your terminals”. Love is such a strong heavy thing that its spirit is easily discouraged and if people allow their terminals to get corroded and rusty? It will eventually dissolve LOVE. Only a watchful eye (heart) will kill off the evil spirits that want to dissolve the sacred ritual of marriage.
I think it is much harder for kids now than when I was young. Peer pressure seems to be the only motivation for most children today. It’s sad because God knows, and I know it is from lack of real communications from father to son for generations!
It’s ok to use sex to sell everything from toothbrushes to auto parts, but god forbid some poor gal whip out a tit to feed their child…they somehow make that nasty ~shrugs~.
At any rate I must explain to my son about love and infatuation. The real reason I am worried is because for me there is a link between the Beatles, depression and suicide. My son occasionally suffers from slight depressions at times, nothing major. But a perceived broken heart can be the end of the world for a 15 year old boy. You add the Beatles to that and it just brings up horrid memories that I would rather not have floating around in my head and in my dreams. Not too mention possibilities I wish not to ponder. God have mercy on society if I were to lose one of my children!!! My conscious would die and I would grab as many guns as possible and randomly kill rich people and cops until I was shot dead in a hail of flaming lead!!! It’s funny because the vast majority of the time I am spiritual and calm, but I fear the 5% more than anything ~cringes~. I fear my own actions should something like that ever transpire.
I am selfish too. I have asked God to kill me before those I truly love die. I don’t know if I am capable of handling death too well now that I have a conscious, especially if it were my mom, dad, brother, kids, etc. Now I have 2 terminal diseases, so when they say be careful what you ask God for, because you just might get it ~chuckles~. I prefer to think of it as atonement/penance for my atrocious sins of the past. I have to rationalize it that way ~smiles~.
I am back to playing “Everquest” Ever-crack. If I have to be locked in my house most of the day I’m gonna do something that allows me to socialize with people. I would have never played it again, but the wife really wants me to play with her, and I would like that too ~chuckles~. It took me a while to relearn the stuff because it has been a couple years. If you play evercrack lemme know which server your on ~smiles~.
Today’s song is dedicated to my old friend Dick, and to getting back up on the horse I fell off of ~smiles~…
Beatles Blue Jay Way
There’s a fog upon L.A. 12月8日 House PaintingMy buddy Jerry is building a new house from scratch. He is a master seamstress and wood worker. I have known him for 10 years or longer. He finally married himself a good Christian girl.
Their old house use to have a full basement, but Jerry doesn’t get around to well, especially after knee surgeries, so they designed a new house. You look at the front of this house and it looks kind of small, but as you walk around the house it takes up the length of two lots ~smiles~.
He has a huge room for sewing and a huge woodshop. I can’t wait until it’s done. I will definitely do some putting around in the woodshop ~smiles~. Everything I ever make turns into an ashtray anyways ~grins~. Plus I have some new ideas for making padded bags for glass pipes.
We painted yesterday and today we are going to hang all the kitchen cabinets before the electricians get there on Monday, of course all they are going to do is make a template and then come back in two weeks ~chuckles~.
Well the weed situation is great again. Another month or two and my partner and I will never have to run out again ~cheers~. We do need some fans, filters and nutrients but it will have to wait until after Christmas ~smiles~.
I have been going to Art’s on Tuesday and Thursday. We watch a ton of new movies all the time. I prefer being on the computer or gaming myself, but we all have different things we like to do ~smiles~. I prefer company and listening to tunes.
I have lain off the drinking after I left mom and dads in Yuma. I thought it would be harder to quit drinking ~chuckles~. It really isn’t that hard at all. I just started getting sick every time I drank. I thought it might be my kidneys, or it could be because I was really sick and drinking ~laughs~.
Actually, my wife accidentally bought me two 24oz of St. Pauli’s Girl last weekend ~chuckles~. I drank them and didn’t get sick, but I am still laying off the drinking. I might get a bottle whiskey next week. I like to pour it straight over ice in an old fashion cup….mmmm mmmm. At any rate, I don’t drink regularly anymore, only on special occasions. It may add a year or two for my dwindling health/life. I’ll probably curse that extra year when it comes too ~snickers~.
Anyways, I have to clean house and then go hang cabinets so I’ll seeya all later… 12月4日 Simple Words of ChristI went to Alien Hunter’s Site and he had a cool writing on it. I have read it before years ago, but have not seen it in a while. It was very true from my point of perspective.
I would like to go into some simple quotes by the Savior/Prophet Jesus Christ, because I only read the red parts in the Bible. The rest is just the inherent corruption of man trying to control the masses ~smiles~.
Luke 6:35
I think this saying is the Golden Rule. To bad our country as a nation fails Christ in every endeavor. This states that we are to be pacifist and actually help those that would do us harm, not retaliate! (Including gays); God’s words are the tree and the actions of men/women are the fruit of his loins. Is your fruit rotten? How is the nations fruit?
Matthew 6:6
This talks about priests, pastors, philistines, etc. That feel they must pray out loud to be seen before men, for verily God has said to you, you have your rewards here on Earth, but when they get to Heaven? The son shall turn his head and say I do not know this person. So pray in silence because that is what Christ told us to do ~smiles~.
Matthew 6:2-4"So when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full. 3But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, 4so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.
Oh how the churches love to brag about all the great works they do for God. We have helped these people. We have helped those people. Look at what our great missions have done! Hallelujah!
God is the tree and his Prophet’s/Savior’s words are the fruit which growth ripe, yet the modern churches fruit is rotten in the eyes of God. This does not mean every Christian is messed up. And it is not their fault if they are messed up. God shall have vengeance upon those who lead his flock into darkness!
Matthew 21:12
It is not so different today. You have a plethora of people selling albums of God’s love. At my wife’s church they sell everything. Books, CD’s, DVD’s, etc. I makes me want to puke…that is why I don’t go to her church. God/Jesus have been marketed to the hilt for the new modern neo fluffy Christians ~smiles~.
This is also in direct contradiction to what Jesus had said: “Be kind to thine enemies and do good to those that hate you”. It’s a good indicator that man has corrupted various parts of the Bible.
Do you know the modern churches have never seen the transcripts and codices of the original Bible? The Roman Catholic Church does not release that kind of information, what are they trying to cover up?
If one would follow those simple steps, the words of their own Savior. One would be almost automatically allowed to enter the gates of Heaven by following just the red words of Christ. You can burn the rest of that tabloid and still find your way to Heaven by God’s Grace.
It is a good thing I am not God, because I am far less forgiving ~smiles~. I know some of you will want to argue or lash out ~smiles~. It doesn’t require lashing out, because if one is safe in their convictions than nothing I can say would anger ~smiles~.
Todays Song
Soundgarden Jesus Christ Pose
And you stare at me 12月3日 Recap of the Last Few Days, Weeks, etc.My house is a complete shit hole! I will recap the last couple days, weeks, etc. So you may think your having a Déjà vu, but in actuality it is me saying the same things over ~chuckles~.
I got home the other day and got on my neighbor’s computer just to let everyone know I am alive. I know some of you actually worry about people that grow on ya ~winks & chuckles~
The first day I got home I had about 10 loads of laundry and a weeks worth of dishes and garbage to clean up. My families are a bunch of slobs, however my wife works her ass off, and my son gets A’s and B’s, but sheesh I was gone for almost two weeks.
I haven’t done crap after that ~chuckles~. I will start over on Monday and make it spic n’ span again ~smiles~. It drives me crazy to live in a dirty house but I must resist picking it up or else everyone around here will think I am just sitting on my ass all day ~grins~.
I never knew how much a housewife gets shit on. I can only imagine how it was back in the 50’s and 60’s ~sighs~. I feel like such a worthless being sometimes because I don’t actually get money for what I do and everyone seems to take it for granted. Like there are some elves that come in at night and magically do all the work.
My wife and I get into the age old arguments about her having a social life at work and me being stuck in this damn house all the time, which is actually safer for myself and society ~chuckles~. Oh well I will just keep trudging on I guess ~groans~.
I almost passed out the other day and put my arm right through the closet door to the washer and dryer ~sighs~. I cut my hand pretty good. I guess cheap ass balsa wood isn’t meant to withstand the crashing weight of a 360lb monster ~grins~.
I had a blast with my mom, dad and other relatives. I ended up staying an extra day. Who knows when I’ll ever see my Aunt and Uncle again ~grins~.
The day before I hit my Cousin Shawn’s house they had all been arrested for one thing or another ~shrugs~. Apparently, some greasy sleazy guys were hitting on Shawn’s very young daughter Sandi. Well you can only imagine what happened next. One of the bums had a cell phone ~cackles~. I don’t even own a cell phone! Anyways, the cops descended upon them.
Shawn’s wife’s Uncle just bought them a brand new CRX with cash and gave it too them. It got impounded, but the day I left for Spokane they had already devised a plan to get it out. Shawn won’t be driving for a while ~sighs~. He got a DWI. He just wanted to get out of there before the cops came or the situation escalated, but they were too late.
My cousin Lori was apprehended and taken to jail. She will be doing some time there; if she is lucky she will get out before Xmas. I was hoping to kidnap Lori and bring her home with me for a few weeks. She is into some bad shit, and I know where she is at because I have been there. I would imagine this being her first time in jail it will be a great learning experience to keep her out from now on.
I sure do like Shawn’s wife Kim. I don’t know how our women put up with us. But she has a masters or a BA in business admin and is a manager for General Mills. They get anything GM makes for free ~smiles~. That has got to help the food bill ~smiles~. Anyways, she was a kick in the pants. She actually partied with us for a few hours.
It was really nice meeting all the young uns and Shawn’s best friend Ryan. I put pictures of the Arizona Thanksgiving Meal and Cousin Shawn’s.
I got the van home and we have plates on it. Our insurance went up from $45 to $118 ~sighs~. The van is so new though we want adequate coverage on it in case something happens. My wife works at SAFECO and her brother is our insurance agent, so I am sure them two know what they are doing, but this month it’s going to be $185 ~cringes~. At least two speeding tickets will be leaving my docket this February, so our rates should go down next cycle ~smiles~. I will post some pictures of the van in the next couple days. It is a really nice van. It has lots of buttons ~grins~. I swear the thing has over 200hp because it can pass with no problem. Of course I have been driving a Geo for the last two years so probably just about anything seems zippier ~laughs~.
I got a $240 ticket for not knowing the magical speed limit during unusual weather conditions. It was funny to because my brother had gotten me a really cool pot leaf hat (I’ll take a picture). It looks like a NASCAR hat but instead of a number it has a big pot leaf on the crown and a little one on the bill.
When I left Yuma right outside they had federal officers with drug dogs. I threw my hat on the ground. The dog started going crazy because I had a 1/2oz of bud on me ~cackles~. The dog was trippin’…was it specifically designed to smell illegal aliens? Why do immigration officers need drug dogs? Anyways, I got through that one so I smoked a bowl ~cackles~.
Well when I got the ticket by the State Patrol in Oregon I didn’t even think about taking my hat off. The cop must of stared at it for 3 minutes thinking what he should do about it, but Oregon has a decriminalization act which makes pot smoking basically legal for anyone 21 years and older, but State Patrol can use federal dictates, so he could of pulled me out of the van and searched the whole thing, well they would have had to get a warrant. It was miserable and icy outside. I don’t think he wanted to do the paper work ~chuckles~.
The weather sucked from Mt. Shasta, California up to the Columbia River where highway 97 meats I-84. Most the time you couldn’t see the road because it was either covered with ice or 3’ snow drifts. The snow was coming down so hard at times we had to crawl through the entire state of Oregon at mostly 30mph. That makes for a long ass day! I was so glad to be home!
I am going to be out of my medications with no way to pay for them. November and December are rough. Our wedding anniversary, our kid’s birthdays’, Holidays & Christmas ~sighs~. I am fucking sick and tired of taking them too. I am not afraid to die…I just don’t want to ~smiles~. If disability would just give me my money we would be fine. That would be an extra $700/month. I want to start saving for a house, but can’t do that until this SSI crap gets taken care of.
Most of you know that I have been having a “Nightmare” with TigerDirect.Com. I have never had a problem with them before, and I always bought their products when I had my business. I have upgraded and put together hundreds of computers (at least). They kept sending me broken shit…first it was the motherboard, then the RAM. While in the process of removing the fan from the processor: the heat sink was like epoxy and tore the processor out of the socket bending the pins irreparably.
I was so angry I was in tears, but I left on my trip to Arizona thinking when I get back everything will be fine. I get back and my motherboard isn’t back. I call TigerDirect.Com and they have it on backorder for January sometime. They didn’t even send me an email or letter! So they sent me an ASUS board, which I am very happy with finally.
The processor is actually a better one too. It is the San Diego 64 bit Athlon. It has a 2400MB processor, 2000MHz FBS with a 1024MB Cache. It is twice as fast as the old processor and I got it for cheaper ~sighs~.
The Asus MB is very nice it has a 1000MHz FBS, but what I like about it is the fact that it has a hardware firewall on it, so now I am running 3 hardware firewalls and a software firewall, luckily I am an IT professional so I can set it up like a DMZ and not have a bunch of false positives gumming the works up.
The image on my hard drive worked perfectly with the new Asus board. That was nice I really dreaded reloading the OS and all that crap again. I was very happy to not do that ~smiles~.
I have my dual channel 128 bit RAM now!!! Sheesh what a nightmare it has been, but it is hopefully over for good.
My new computer runs like a raped ape now…angry as hell! I don’t even remember what lag was, but if I just want to find out I’ll use my neighbor’s slow ass computer ~grins~…
12月1日 I'm Back From Hell...Another Word for OregonI’m back and I have lots to say ~grins~.
I caught a ride with my brother down to Yuma, Arizona to be with my parents and family for Thanksgiving. My brother and I had a nice ride down without any weather problems.
I enjoyed spending time with my family. I got to see my Aunt Sherry and Uncle Joe. That was really nice because they work a lot. I got on them about not sending us pictures or email. They didn’t know how to use the computer ~chuckles~, so my mom and I gave them a crash coarse in computer basics. They have a really nice laptop, but doesn’t do anyone any good if they can’t use it ~chuckles~.
I also went down there to pick up the van. I didn’t want to and knew it would mean extra expenses and such on the family that we can’t really afford right now, but they made an offer we couldn’t refuse ~chuckles~. I will post pictures of the ultra cool mini van mom and dad kicked down ~smiles~.
I picked up a hitchhiker in Blythe and he was an old truck driver. I have a picture of him I’ll be posting sometime tomorrow. So he drove and I smoked pot ~snickers~. It was a perfect relationship. I stopped in Manteca to visit my cousin Shaun. He just had a double lung transplant a couple years back. I pulled in about 12AM and we partied till 3:30AM…I woke up around nine and the weather looked bleak, so we stayed an extra day.
We got on the road and I dropped Bill off in Weed, California and then headed up 97 through Oregon.
I love the beauty of Oregon and their tolerance for Marijuana, but I swear they have some the dumbest laws in the world that are totally a matter of perception of what common sense is. I got a $240 ticket for driving the speed limit, boy that is a first ~chuckles~. From Shasta on up it was nothing but snowdrifts, unseeable roads, ice and snow ~grins~. I got pulled over and told the cop I drive in this crap for a living. He took no pity on me. He was staring at my Marijuana baseball cap the whole time ~chuckles~.
I think I will be able to get Internet court that will be nice. And it doesn’t go on my record ~smiles~.
I got back and my processor was here but my motherboard was not. I finally called them and they said it was back ordered till January sometimes. Well you can imagine the Donald Duck fit I threw after that little comment! ~grins~. I ended up getting an Asus and slapping it together in the last couple minutes, so I am up and running again. I’ll post another album tomorrow ~smiles~
I am going to go visit you my friends ~smiles~. To let you know I am alive…
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