How many days can one handle sleep deprivation before they end up on the shadow plane…err suffer from sleep deprivated hallucinations?  I can’t remember the last time I got a full night of sleep ~sighs~.  I must of have been ripped and plastered!

I stopped taking my sleeping stuff.  It is just too expensive to take and my doctor is a fucking dumbass, so I won’t get any kind of help short of threatening him and his family with a creepy serial killer style death!!!  And since I am not about that I just continue prayer and meditation to hold this rickety bucket of bolts together.

I have been walking 30 minutes a day and doing pushups.  It kills me, but not as much as sitting around and waiting for the Grim Reaper and his scythe ~snickers~.  It’s like my old buddies “Iron Maiden” use to say, “Die with your boots on!”

I got my FM modulator yesterday for my Ipod.  What this does is plug into the cigarette lighter and there is a little digital modulator on it you set it and your radio to the same station and viola you have you entire music library with you at all times.  The sound quality is based upon a variety of things, but mostly quality of radio it plays off of and big city problems with finding stations.  I live in a relatively small city, so we have plenty of open air.  I went and picked up Malachi from his grandparent’s house yesterday and the sound was amazing.  The name brand is Griffin and I highly recommend it.  I did a lot of customer reviews and consumer reports before I bought it.

It’s Saturday and my house is a mess.  I don’t feel like cleaning it because I haven’t slept well lately and I just don’t have the energy, but I’ll end up getting tired of looking at it and clean it ~sighs~.

I got some “Blueberry” from the Dispensary.  I will explain the differences between “Commercial” and “Medical” grown and distributed pot.  Commercial generally only cares about money, so they want quantity and speed as their goals in growing and distribution of Marijuana.  This is good for them but not so good for the medical consumer.  Commercial Marijuana has a tendency to be weaker and thereby causing someone to need more of it.  Commercial THC content is roughly 9-11% if you get decent stuff on the streets.  This is not to say that there isn’t great commercial product out there, just not much in America.  Amsterdam and other European countries are prized and renown for their commercial strength, flavor, etc.

Medical Marijuana is grown with love!  It is generally grown in much smaller batches than commercial.  Medical is usually grown with “Organic Chemicals” rather than industrial fertilizers.  The range of THC content is 15+% and many strains reach 22% and higher ~smiles~.  This serves two purposes for the medical user.  It means you get more bang for your buck, so you don’t need as much, as often!!!

In Amsterdam where you can get the highest quality (22%+THC) in coffee shops the price is about $5/gram, which is a pretty decent price.  At our dispensary we can get it for $10/gram.  Those poor cancer, MS, AIDS, etc, patients who don’t have the ability to use a clean and safe dispensary generally pay $20/gram for inferior product, which means they must ingest more inert ingredients whether by eating or smoking.

It’s just not right to tell someone what they can do with their own body, and then treat it like a criminal offense ~sighs~.  A good back stabber’s way of getting them out of the voting system ~grins~.  A growing menace must be contained by the old school!  Their ways and their traditions must thrive? ~snickers~.

Alcohol is by far the worst drug in the world and is responsible for more lustful and dreaded consequences than almost all the other drugs combined!  And it is available at just about every store.  Alcohol is the only drug that can kill you from withdrawals!  Not even the soul sucking “Heroin” can proclaim that, albeit you’ll wish you were fucking dead ~cringes~.  I’m pretty sure the skyrocketing number of teen pregnancies has a lot to do with alcohol tossing aside inhibitions.

Anyways, I guess that’s it for this week!  I hope you are all well ~smiles~.

I have a song…

A Psychotic Waltz

Psychotic Waltz

A Social Grace

sometimes I wonder what will ever become of me
and if life's worth it's living at all
sometimes I smile at the ones who think they've got life down
and they say that I'm living it wrong

as the days pass by
I watch as the net closes in
as they circle around in my head
turning and winding
in circles, in circles they spin
never ending beginning the end

look now sweet child
deep into my room
the door is open and the air is warm
close your eyes
feel the sweet, sweet symphony of sighs

sometimes it would feels so right
if the angels called me to the sky
sometimes it feels good just to be alive
though our paths are blind
I can see a lightened end on mind

still now I search
for the spirit that torments my soul
as the priest shields his face from the wind
looking at lost life and darkness
my eyes shall not see
makes me laugh when he calls it all sin

you're all slaves of the priest
and you'll just sing it over
and over, and over, and over
and over, and over, and over
and over

Most of you remember yesterday when I freaked out at Costco and wanted to kill some guy.  Well I had to go to an emergency psyche meeting of course.  Here is what came of it.

First off, I really love Dr. Rob Neils.  He is 65+ and builds and flies his own airplanes and still mountain climbs.  He is very liberal, so of course we get along ~grins~.  He has the highest credentials in his field in Washington and probably many other states around the nation.  He is very well known in psychology circles for his work.  Anyways, on with the story.

I got to his office around 9am and said hi to Cindy who is the receptionist.  He was on the phone so I waited a few minutes.  And this is what took place:

1)     I was battered with a series of IQ tests among a few others.  After it was all said and done Rob told me that I am 95% more intelligent than the rest of the world.  In the scheme of things only 1 in 40 people possess my intelligence.  My wife is amazed that I can be so intelligent and still use so many four-letter words and be so vulgar at times?  I just think it is good fun to be vulgar sometimes under the right set of circumstances, or when I am really pissed off ~grins~.

2)     The reason I am not able to achieve my goals is because my frontal lobes have a little burn out in them, which is the area of the brain that puts a story together so that it makes sense, or sets a line of smaller goals up to reach the end goal.

3)     Buspar and other PTSD medications have had no affect on me, but since Marijuana seems too blotto my mind out he said to continue with my 2 grams a day treatment and limit myself to Internet socializing.  He said the reason I probably attacked that person is because I waited too long to smoke, but I told him I don’t have the money to do the amount I need (2 grams a day), so he just said do the best I can, since there is no prescribed treatment for my condition.  He was going to prescribe me something for the Night Terrors/mares, but I told him I didn’t want it.  I actually like the nightmares…not when I am in them of course, but when I wake up it’s a real rush!  I’m sure the wife doesn’t like them though, some nights I keep her awake all night ~sighs~.

I use to hear this in school all the time “He is extremely intelligent, but he doesn’t apply himself.”  I am sure many of you heard that too ~chuckles~.

When I was in college and trade schools everything use to be so easy.  I was always on the honor roll and was always A+/4.0.  I never considered myself that intelligent.  I just assumed that the people who struggled just didn’t belong in that occupation or class.  So basically because they didn’t know what was wrong with me I was labeled fucking lazy my whole youth!

It’s not that I didn’t know I wasn’t smart because when I was a teenager I was thrown into a mental health ward and they said my IQ was in the Genius range, but that there was a problem with “applying myself”.

Why the fuck is it my problem?  Even today we are finding thousands of new psychological diseases that inhibit learning in a variety of ways.  Perhaps I am a soul who fell through the cracks because of a lack of what I needed as a child.  A true diagnosis!  I was always in trouble and always striving for attention whether good or bad.

I now believe with everything I look back on that I have been perhaps broken a long time, hence the reason for the tests.  Rob (my psych) told me the reason he gave me the test was to check something out, umm to see if I was faking it ~chuckles~.  He told me that there is no way in hell I could adapt and live the life I do without an extremely high intelligence factor.  Not that it was impossible just very rare.

Now for those who have stayed with me this long…the next part is really going to blow your mind!  This is the area where most people go insane, yet I have not:

Let us say you have a friend.  You have had this friend for 20 years.  This friends name is Mike and has always been Mike.  Well one day you go over to Mikes house and everyone is calling him David?!  My doctor says this is where most people freak and go crazy!  They are incapable of dealing with the fact that their best friend’s name just randomly changed in a second.  This causes a schism in the mind, which lets itself out in all sorts of odd ways from depression to paranoid schizophrenia.  You can break your mind!  Most people with schizophrenia are genetically predisposed.

Ok now lets say you have lived in the same house for the last 22 years and one day you come home and there is a white picket fence around the house, or the fence is gone?!  Now most people are incapable of letting something like that go!  This causes insanity!

This happens too me all the time and has happened since I was about 14 years of age if not younger.  14 is about where I remember it started to affect me.  Peoples names change, places I go change…and yes sometimes I can feel my psychic cord wanting to snap and put me in a looney bin, but to date I haven’t.  When I see/hear that someone’s name has changed I just start calling them by their new name ~grins~, or if a environment has changed I just go with it.  Rob says it is the lack of intelligence that causes people with my affliction to end up in funny farms.  Please don’t confuse intelligence with knowledge either.  Intelligence is merely the ability to which one adapts to, and how fast they adapt to a situation.

I may become part of a study in Eastern Washington University.  I may become a test model and may be able to help others like myself not snap and become at least semi-functional members of society.  It beats sitting in a rubber room drooling on yourself and eating shitty institutional oatmeal!

It is great to be 42 and finally start understanding that it wasn’t all me or my parents.  That I have always been a little coocoo ~grins~.  Maybe that is why I was a obnoxious child?  Because no one believed me and things changed which caused me to lose trust in the world, which only exacerbated the problem ~sighs~ thereby creating more rebellion.

Oh well I’ll just keep praying and doing what I’m doing.  It seems to be working ~smiles~…

No rest for the wicked last night ~sighs~.  Between suffocating and going to the bathroom I never got any sleep last night.  The worse part is the Apnea.  I could get a machine to ram air down my throat but I could never sleep with anything stuck to my face, so I guess I’ll just stop breathing in my sleep one night when I get really really drunk ~grins~.

This last week sucked.  I started doing push ups and walking again.  The first day I walked 35 minutes and was on bed rest for the next two days, which means I wasn’t on the computer playing Everquest.  I didn’t play Everquest at all last week, either because of bed rest or Mariah putting her teeth through her lip.  I thought she was going to have to have stitches because of all the blood, but she just hit a little vein or something in her lip.  Her teeth didn’t make it all the way through, so I didn’t play Friday either ~sighs~.  My raid attendance is going to go to shit!

I have been pacing around like wild panther stuck in a cage and I have no idea.  It is probably just my PTSD, but it sneaks up on me sometimes and before I know it I am mean and grouchy.  I don’t even know why.  I have to catch myself.  I have a plethora of media devices around me, yet I feel anxiety like there is something else I must be doing.

It is Spring perhaps it is my restless need to mate with every female I see at this time of the year ~sighs~.  Normally I am a steadfast husband who doesn’t even flirt anymore, but Spring brings out the beast in me.  I swear I want to mate with anything on two legs ~sighs~.  I don’t go forward with it of course, but it is definitely a Spring Fever going on!  Oh well Spring will be over in a couple months and I can stash the Spring Hornies away for another year ~chuckles~.

The wife and I have been looking for houses and I think we have decided two things.  1) I am probably going to wait till next year to buy a house to ensure I have my Disability from the state, and 2) All the houses we have seen we wouldn’t want to buy, so now we are confused.

Julie’s best friend Katie called me yesterday and we can get a house outside of town (like 30 minutes away) in Rosalia or Spangle for half the price of one here in town.  They had 150K houses for about 60K outside of town.  We could get a 4 bdrm, 2bath, and full basement with some land for the same price we could get a cramped neighborhood house here in a not so good neighborhood.

The bottom line is we really can’t afford an $800/month payment here in town, especially if we can get a house with a $500 payment outside of town.  Rosalia is pretty small and they have one school for all grades.  They now have an 11-man football team now, so Malachi would like that.

Katie’s husband is a commercial passenger pilot for Alaskan Airlines.  He is also an aviation instructor, so it looks like my one and only dream may be coming true!!!  Katie says that Larry could take me up and teach me to fly!!!  That would so be the shizzle finizzle!!!

I guess we’ll wait and see what happens.

Julie (my wife) has another follow up interview for her new position she is trying for, if she gets that it will be another 3K a year raise.  We could sure use that!  I sure hope she gets it.  This is the second time she has tried for the job.  They really love her at work, so I am hoping she gets it.

The other day I was out of my medicine.  Most of you know I use to grow with my friend Art, but we don’t really hang out anymore, so I have been having to pay for my medicine.  A friend I have known for years went to get me some and the shit didn’t even work, so basically I was ripped off for $130 that my family can’t really afford anyways ~sighs~.  This guy knows me too and is the same one that slubbed me off on my birthday along with my brother Jeff!  I have no need of friends like that, so he is off my list.

He already owed me $200 when he drove over my Neon and ruined it.  He sure has enough money to go golfing with Jeff, David and Jody.  But he doesn’t have the money to pay his debts?  It is very sad when people will take advantage of folks who are dying.  It really makes me want to vomit profusely!!!  He might as well just go up and kick a cancer patient in the balls or make fun of em for not having any hair!  Oh well I guess I’ll pray for the poor son of a bitch.  My first action was to just beat the fuck out him and his brother, drag his bleeding ass to his dealers, beat the shit out of them and take all their money and see how they like it, but I didn’t feel like going to jail or anything so I did it the Christian way.  Oh I so wanted to kill someone though!  I am really surprised I didn’t.  I was very proud of myself ~smiles~.  I am still out $130.

My brothers are such dirt bags they don’t care what he did to me.  They will continue to play golf and poker with him.  He has ripped them all off at one point or another I have no idea why they still hang out with him because I sure won’t anymore.  My brother let Chris live with him at his house trying to help him out and my brother finally had to kick him out because he wasn’t going to do anything except lie around and play video games.

He is with some woman twice his age now; she divorced her husband of decades for this slothful demon of ill repute.  I have no ideal why; she must of saw something in him no one else can see.  Or maybe it just made her feel young to be with a man half her age ~snickers~.  She is really nice and fairly attractive, so I have no idea what she sees in him?

I could totally publicly humiliate him by what the girls have told me, but I won’t.  Instead I’ll just insinuate something and leave it to your imaginations ~grins~.

Anyways, it must be the whole shebang that is making me want to strike out with violence, or maybe it is the fact that someone ripped me off now I have no medicine, so everyone is in danger!  The body hurts; the mind spins, and the need to fight or flight are all that consumes me!

Oh well I hope your week was better than mine ~smiles~.  Nothing major bad happened, just a ton of minute pain in the ass irritating things that added up to this ~grins~ big spiritual mess, albeit in a day or so I will be calm again…

Today’s song speaks of how I feel sometimes…Invisible!

Invisible

Dio

Holy Diver

If your circle stays unbroken
Then you're a lucky man
Cause it never, never, never has for me

In the palace of the virgin
Lies the chalice of the soul
And it's likely you might find the answer there

She had fourteen years of teenage tears
And never a helping hand
She had fourteen more of rain before
She saw the sight of land
She was a photograph just ripped in half
A smile inside a frown
And the light, the answer right
Inside her coming down

I can go away
I can leave here
I can be invisible

He was just eighteen and in-between
A lady and a man
His daddie's girl in momma's world
And that was when he ran
You know the word confused has been abused
But that's just what he was
And then the spark inside the dark
The answer came because it said

You can go away
You can leave here
You can be invisible

Well I grew up quick and I felt the kick
Of life upon a stage
So I bought the book and took a fast look
At just the very last page
It was a single word that I'd just heard
From the two that came before
The only way to really stay
Is to walk right out the door

You can go away
You can leave here
You can be invisible

You can go away
You can leave here
You can be invisible

You can go away
Lord you know it's right to leave here
So I just become invisible

The other day I was telling you all about how hard it was to find Marijuana.  I would like to emphasize some points and problems with our present system in America, especially when it comes to Medical Marijuana.

Vioxx was an arthritis medicine that killed people and gave them strokes because some rich guy didn’t want to lose his job so he falsified reports, now thousands of women are widowed because of this guys decision.  I am watching TV yesterday and I saw two drug class action suits in a row.  One was a well-known and over used anti-psychotic called Paxil.  The other one was an asthma medication that actually caused clotting ~sighs~.

Doctors are complete idiots who prescribe the drug of the highest bidder!  Oh yes doctors get pummeled with tens of thousands of dollar incentives to prescribe certain medications from generic to name brand.  Doctors see you for ten minutes and push out to have tests or to another doctor.  They don’t even usually recognize you or remember your problems, even though they might act like they do.

I have been bleeding for four fucking years.  And every time they shove equipment up my ass and can’t find where it’s coming from it just makes me know that much more, that during college while trying to get fucked up drunk and laid they may have actually learned something at the college they attended!

The reason I am so mad is because Marijuana alleviates many of my problems making me a somewhat functional human being within our piece of shit society (without the scary side affects or complications of manmade medicine), but I have to go out and try and find it like a common criminal, if I can even find it at all.  God forbid a natural drug do so much for someone that greedy ass pharmaceutical companies dump hundreds of millions of dollars a year into the pockets of politicians to ensure that Marijuana never becomes legal.  If they can’t make billions on it they’ll be goddamned if anyone else will enjoy the benefits.

That is why growing my own is so important.  I can then control the amount and quality of the Marijuana.  I no longer have to depend upon the “Black Market” to get my Marijuana.

I have only been paying for my medicine in the last couple months because my partner and I split up, so I have had to go through the crap of finding, getting ripped off (or killing someone and going to jail) and dealing with the shitty shwag low end quality of the bud on the commercial market!  There is not insurance for my medicine and I pay full bloated black market prices of $450 a month for 1.5oz.  Compared to growing it, which yields about ¼ pound every month in my garden size.  I need to smoke two grams a day.  I cannot afford to smoke two grams a day.  That would be $900/month and we don’t even have money for what I get!  I can grow my own for less than $60/month for organic chemicals and electricity!

One major problem is politicians and governments around the country get to dip their hands into an 80+ billion dollar a year drug/toy war fund!  And now they can even seize your property, which gives them even more incentive to take more peoples shit!  I feel like I’m living in Rome or Nazi Germany!

I have nothing against them taking down commercial dealers who have nothing but money on their mind and don’t care about who or how someone else is going to acquire their product.  However, medical and personal use should be left the hell alone!!!  There is a difference between growing seven plants for your own consumption and renting 20 houses filled with Commercial Marijuana.

In Holland and most of Europe they have adopted laws that either legalize or drastically lower the criminality of pot.  They have found the numbers of curious people have gone down.  One person even stated, “They have found a way to make Marijuana boring”.  Part of the reason kids, and anyone does it is because of the implications of immorality and law breaking.  It actually makes them curious to do it, however if anyone can do it?  It’s no longer that much fun and doesn’t pack the same rush, so why bother?

Some countries in Europe have had these laws in place over a decade and guess what?  Their economy didn’t crumble, their families weren’t raped, murdered and plundered, their crime has actually gone down (because addicts no longer need to steal), but America insists on strong-arming countries that don’t support their drug war by sanctions and withholding aid monies.  Boy that is real Christian of our nation huh?  It’s been going on since the 30’s when Anslinger was in office, and I don’t it stopping with the present ignorance in our country.

We are slowly winning this war and would have won it a lot sooner if we were violent people like the mafia was with alcohol prohibition.  That one only lasted a few years here and there ~snickers~.  They got tired of cops dying…too bad we aren’t violent by nature we could all be legally smoking pot by now ~grins evilly~

The vast majority of smokers are productive people of society.  They fly planes, they fight in courtrooms, they operate on your children!  No one ever knows they smoke pot because they hide it so well, and/or do it so sporadically/rarely that you would not know.  The teacher who comes home, grades papers, puts his kids to sleep then smokes one with a glass of wine by the fireplace to calm down is not so uncommon!  Yet as a nation we still look at the counter culture very dubiously, and we are appalled by anyone who tries to push against the grain.  But our best victories have been by pushing against the grain…what was our freedom from Britain?  Medical technology of today only happened because doctors violated the laws a hundred years ago and exhumed bodies and dissected them!  It was regarded as foul and anti-Christian, but you sure don’t hear anyone crying about it now when his or her life is saved do ya?!  Hindsight is a funny thing…too bad we can’t use it to define the future.

One reason for this is the propaganda of our government.  They have an 80 billion dollar a year “Pork Barrel” to dip their hand in.  Why the hell would they want to take that away?  The only people the government show you on commercials is the minority of kids who become useless couch potatoes, but that is a lie, even their own reports show that, but America sways to the tune of the pied piper like some brain dead zombie under government mind control.

Being an activist and working with people of every spectrum from the dreadlocked Rastafarian to the head of psychology for Washington State to some of the best lawyers in the nation.  I see the blindness and stupidity the government has brainwashed the beautiful souls of America with!  I wish I could just shake them all out of it, and then the Sun would beam down the truth to those who wish to see!

We will win this war or bankrupt America fighting it…

Today’s song is for the blind that can’t see because of the good ole fashion brainwashing they are giving us…

Prison Song

System of A Down

Toxicity

They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,

Following the rights movements
You clamped on with your iron fists,
Drugs became conveniently
Available for all the kids,
Following the rights movements
You clamped on with your iron fists,
Drugs became conveniently
Available for all the kids,

I buy my crack, my smack, my bitch,
Right here in Hollywood,

Nearly 2 million Americans are incarcerated
In the prison system,
Prison system of the U.S.

They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison, (for you and me to live in)
Another prison system,
Another prison system,
Another prison system. (for you and me to live in)

Minor drug offenders fill your prisons
You don't even flinch
All our taxes paying for your wars
Against the new non-rich,
Minor drug offenders fill your prisons
You don't even flinch
All our taxes paying for your wars
Against the new non-rich,

I buy my crack, my smack, my bitch,
Right here in Hollywood,

The percentage of Americans in the prison system
Prison system, has doubled since 1985,

They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison, (for you and me to live in)
Another prison system,
Another prison system,
Another prison system. (for you and me to live in)
For you and I, for you and I , for you and I.

They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,
For you and me,
Oh baby, you and me.

All research and successful drug policy show
That treatment should be increased,
And law enforcement decreased,
While abolishing mandatory minimum sentences,
All research and successful drug policy show
That treatment should be increased,
And law enforcement decreased,
While abolishing mandatory minimum sentences.

Utilizing drugs to pay for secret wars around the world,
Drugs are now your global policy,
Now you police the globe,

I buy my crack, my smack, my bitch,
Right here in Hollywood,

Drug money is used to rig elections,
And train brutal corporate sponsored
Dictators around the world.

They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison, (for you and me to live in)
Another prison system,
Another prison system,
Another prison system. (for you and me to live in)
For you and I, for you and I , for you and I.
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,
They're trying to build a prison,
For you and me,
Oh baby, you and me.

Yesterday was March 16^th 2007.  It was my birthday!  And Happy St. Patty’s Day you Irish Mogues!

Julie took my birthday off so we could do whatever we wanted all day.  We started by eating breakfast at the Ole European Pancake House.  I had Eggs, sausage, and strawberry crepes ~drools~.  Just like mom use to make!

We took Mariah to Northwest Pet and Seed to look at the animals.  Mariah loves to look at the animals ~smiles~.  They didn’t have a whole lot of animals there yesterday.  I sure saw some really pretty snakes.  Julie said I can get one when we get our new house provided she never has to see it ~snickers~.  There is a 15’ Python for sale for $149.00 ~grins~.  Hopefully it won’t eat the cat or dog.  It shouldn’t as long as I keep it fed with guinea pigs and rabbits ~grins~.  I would have to build a special cage for it out of wood and Plexiglas.  Temperature is very important here since we have harsh winters.  You need a way to keep your tropical pets warm should the power go out for any amount of time.  I probably won’t get one because I hate seeing God’s creatures stuck in a cage, but it is something I have wanted since I was a kid ~grins~.  And the other side of that is a snake in a cage has it so much easier than one in the wild ~grins~.  Free food!  No hunting!

One aspect of yesterday really started to suck.  It was my birthday and I had no Marijuana!!!  That is almost sacrilegious!  What really sucked is my brother and his friends (who obviously didn’t give a shit that it was my birthday, at least I called my brother on his bday ~sighs~.) were blowing each other on the golf field because that is what golfers do!  They were complete assholes to me on my birthday.  They knew where to get my medicine and wouldn’t even get it ~sighs~.  Oh well God will deal with them, not my domain!  I had a friend who was bringing me a ½ ounce but he said he got arrested? ~shrugs~.  However I was talking to Kevin Oliver and he came over.

He is a hardcore activist and I will be working with him on getting that Eastern Chapter of NORML going in this town.  I told him my friend was bringing a half ounce to me and got arrested ~groans~, so he came over and brought me a 2 gram mix of some chronic for my birthday, so I had my medicine on my birthday!!!  It made eating much easier and people much more tolerable ~grins~.  I thought that was just the greatest thing.  The guy had never even met before ~smiles~.  Of course we greeted with hugs and left with hugs ~smiles~.  I’m gonna love working with these guys ~cheers~.  He has met all the other hardcore activist of renknowned status, even though us hippies never get really big heads…usually! ~chuckles~.  It does happen sometimes, after all it is in human nature to take the demonic force of power and have it corrupt our flesh and make us blind.  I really enjoyed my time speaking with him, but we had to leave.

Julie’s mom made me a chocolate & cookies n’ crème birthday cake.  She didn’t let the cake cool down enough to apply the ice cream so it looked kind of funny ~chuckles~, but it tasted great!  And that is all I cared about.  I had two helping and some extra cookies and crème Ice cream ~grins~.

I got some New Balance quad wides so I can start walking again.  I ruined my last pair backpacking last year, which almost hospitalized me on more than one occasion.  I had heart problems on the trip and almost had a heart attack from over exertion.  When I got back I was bed ridden for several days and it took me a month or more of rehabilitation to get back to where I could walk around normal and do my daily activities.  Needless to say I will not be doing any hardcore backpacking anymore.  I have learned my lesson for now ~grins~.  Anyways if you have really wide feet New Balance is the only company that makes lasts of several widths.  Hence the reason they got their foot in the door with companies like Nike, Rebook, etc.

We came home and I took a couple hits off the ole 2’er.  Julie and I watched “The Break Up”  It was mostly depressing and not very funny.  I think they should have called it a drama and not a comedy because I didn’t’ really laugh, although my eyes did tear up a couple times remembering when the wife and I were like that ~smiles~.  Thank god we are older now!

I finally got your Betty Marji!  Thanks, she is so sexy and naughty!  I don’t know what it is about Betty Page but she has always gotten my goat!  Anyone who hasn’t seen the newest movie “The Notorious Betty Page” should rent it.  It is a great movie and it will clue you in on who she really was and how she really thought.  Did you know she eventually quit the pinup business out of Christian Morals?  Yep she sure did and became a Christian Activist to boot.  The Heavens must of stood up and cheered on that day!!!  As they did for me!

I hope all is well.  We are still praying for all of you, especially those with trauma and crisis in their lives…it’s not for us to understand his plan, only to pass this test we face on this little blue marble in space…

Today’s Song is from the Moody Blues…I doubt I need to write down the words to this one should someone open their mind and listen ~smiles~.

I got a 30GB Apple Ipod!  Now my 13GB of music goes everywhere that I do.

I know this might sound like I am a tad bit excited but unless I explain to you.  You will not understand the power of music in my life.  How God speaks to me through Music, Television, other people, etc.

In the 80’s I was on several Heavy Metal bands.  A couple of them were very popular.  As a matter of fact, a few of my friends went on to have great careers as rock stars in Europe.  I loved singing in a band.  It made me feel good to have 10’s to 100’s of people cheering you on as you scream your brains out ~smiles~.

During this time in the 80’s I had also been an occultist for several years.  I had been trying to call the “Devil” (for lack of a better name) up for years to sell my soul, so that I could become a major player in the record industry like Jimmy Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Bon Scott, Randy Rhodes, etc. (yes all dead now, but fame has it’s price).

Well one time the “Dark Lord” did send a minion to make me an offer.  I almost lost my fucking bloody mind.  Believe me when I say I tested this “Devil” to ensure it wasn’t my drug-induced mind of the time.  I did several tests and this minion passed them all.  After the initial loss of my mind and having my reality shredded apart by the fact that there really was an entity of great intelligence that has a plan as well.

I held it together and with the words “God please help me” the minion was vanished in the snap of a finger.  I was then in heaven for a brief second.  I can’t even explain to you how beautiful it was or how it felt.  It was definitely a life altering experience.  The only time I have had that kind of experience is when I was on LSD, so you could say it was a very very strong impression left upon my soul.  The “Devil” however wasn’t happy with me and all my friends for the next week or so got into car accidents.  And I don’t mean one or two of them…I mean 5 of them in a week!  The minion and “Devil” were none to happy with me.  I can understand though, they aren’t really supposed to show themselves, but he believed he had another Jimmy Hendrix per se.  How was he to know I would gain a momentary lapse of reason (story of my life ~chuckles~)

God had told me that I had passed his test by saying no to the “Devil” where so many failed.  I was promised a place in Heaven short of murder.  As you can well imagine I screwed up my free ticket a long time ago ~sighs~.  I will still make it though, for I am a child of God and all those who led this child astray?  It shall be better for them that they were in Sodom and Ghemmorah than to face my father’s judgment!  For now the Heavens cheer me on more than the millions of born saved souls ~smiles~.

I hear God through everything.  I hear him when I am reading, I hear him when I am listening to music, I hear him when others are talking around me, I hear him in the wind and the beautiful gift of the Mother he has given us to have dominion over and to take care of, which we don’t do very well.  I am an antenna left shut wide-open picking up messages, prophecies that normal people just can’t hear.  It is both nerve wracking at times, and a blessing at others.  At times I wish everyone could see and hear what I do, but then I wouldn’t be unique.  We all have some gift unique to us all whether fully realized or not.  Many of us never find it, but God has given it to us all even before we were born ~smiles~.

Now that I have an Ipod I gave Malachi (my son) my 2GB Mp3 Player so he can listen to music on the bus to school and home.  He is happy now that he can listen to tunes while walking down to the bus stop and school.

Music is one of the ways that my son and I communicate.  You can tell what kind of moods we are in by the music we play, and if you listen closely you will understand how to approach us ~chuckles~.

Malachi listens to some of the same music that I do: Black Sabbath, Beatles, Johnny Cash, Korn, and some others, but he also listens to a lot of Christian Rock.  He just took a girl to a Mercy Me concert a couple weeks ago.  He also listens to younger kid rock from Jr. High.  He likes it so that is all that matters.  Me personally I don’t think it has any soul in it because it was raped by the MPAA of records ~chuckles~.

Mariah loves music and she is always dancing to her “Hannah Montana” CD or the videos on the Disney Channel.  If there is no music on you can hear her singing her own words through the house ~smiles~.  She is always dancing and singing and believes herself to be a special little princess!  But aren’t they all ~winks~

My wife is the only one who really doesn’t care either way about music.  She likes it, but most music (especially mine) stresses her out like it does my mom and dad ~snickers~.  My dad really doesn’t like any kind of noise at all.  He would mostly rather be reading in the Arizona sun ~smiles~.  My dad has always liked music, but only allowed it at special times when he was in a specific mood.  I think that people who don’t embrace music have a much more stressed out life, but that is mere observation and in a world this big I am sure there are many exceptions to every rule.  My mom likes music and she would probably listen to it lightly in the background if it didn’t annoy my father so much ~chuckles~.

Two million years ago ignorant hairy modern and Neanderthal men gathered around festivals of feasting banging their skin drums and bones together to make noises.  Music was a gift from God that has touched our souls since the very first intelligent men found the thumping and banging sounds to be soothing to their souls…alas music was born and grew from here.

People often ask me why I don’t listen to Gospel Music since I am a Child of the One God.  It’s simple really.  God has told me that the music that glorifies him is great, but that making money off of it is a blasphemy to himself and the gift of music he has given us…

Today’s song might seem blasphemous in nature, but in actuality God gave us these five magics to help protect and have dominion over the Earth and its denizens…

Five Magic

Megadeth

Rust In Peace

Bestow upon me magic
Wizard, all knowing, all wise
I want to rule this kingdom
Make sweet the breeze now defiled
Dethrone the evil prince's iron fists
In velvet gloves of sin
Parade the grey robed monks
The vestal virgins, wheel the wyvern's in

Let the ceremony consecrate the marriage
Let me be the protege of Five Magics

Give me alchemy, give me wizardry
Give me sorcery, thermatology
Electricity, magic if you please, master all of these
Bring him to his knees

I master five magics, I master five magics
I master five magics, I master five magics

Possessed with hellish torment, possessed with hellish torment
I master magics five, I master magics five
Hunting the abyss lord, hunting the abyss lord
Only one will stay alive, only one will stay alive
He who lives by the sword, he who lives by the sword
Will surely also die, will surely also die
He who lives in sin, he who lives in sin
Will surely live the lie

The first time I saw God was when I was 13 years old.  It was the first time I ever drank.  Some friends of mine and I skipped school.  We went to Danny Silverthorn’s house.  His mom and dad were at work.

I drank an entire 1/5^th of Vodka and a pint or more of Cutty Sark.  The last things I remember were my friends giving me wedgies and spitting in my hair.  Well that is what happens when kids get drunk ~snickers~ I guess.  My little friend who was half my size drug me home to my mom.

My mom is freaking out and goes to get Vivian Osilka who was our next-door neighbor at Naval Housing.  They had to lift me up and put me in the back of the truck.

I remember when we got to the emergency room I was placed on a stretcher and hauled off into the operating room.  I remember the doctor asking me if I took any drugs.  I remember trying to tell him I wasn’t stupid, but I was too fucking drunk ~snickers~.  Everything was loud, confusing and very out of focus.

Suddenly, everything was calm and grayish with outlines everywhere.  I was fully aware and no longer confused or drunk.  I remember a very large and warm voice taking my spiritual hand and telling me I could come home ~smiles~.  I was going to go too, because other than SCUBA diving with my father I hated my life and all I had was strife and conflict, but I saw my mom crying at my funeral and I asked God if I could come back.

As I transcended back into my body everything once again got chaotic and confusing with zero focus or perception per se.  I remember them ramming the tube of charcoal down my throat and then puking my brains out.

I awoke to a very angry father who said I was stupid ~sighs~.  Sure was nice to be back ~rolls eyes~.

This is what led me to spend the rest of my life delving into the mystical arts of the Arcane.  To seek the true mysteries that cannot be extrapolated by man made science.  It is the truth, the Universal Fabric that binds all things together in Unity.  It was this dying and my resurrection that caused me to be a seeker.  To find out exactly who that booming, warm and lovingly authoritative voice was that spoke to me.  To know where my soul lieth at all times in the eyes of God.

This isn’t to say that I have not followed the Devil and defied my Father many times.  I like Lucifer am very young in the Cosmic Sea that is dopplegangered by illusions and deceits cloaked as truth.  It is easier to defy God’s Unity and Love when you know the whole ugly truth behind the esoteric anomalies that live sublimely with us all.

In the End I have come home like the Prodigal Child and I am confident in my life and where I am going after this life.  I am again at one with my father who is in Heaven.  I have been going through some major shifts in the last couple months.

I have done many heinous crimes.  And I am responsible for the death and despair of thousands.  I openly, purposely, and knowingly destroyed lives.  I have learned in the last few months that God has forgiven me for my trespasses and it is time for me to do as my father and forgive those who trespass upon me.  I no longer carry that burden upon my soul as I have since I was in my 20’s and 30’s.  I am free!

My wife was even saying she has noticed a big difference in me.  Every word from my mouth is no longer cynical ~grins~.  The downside to this is Hate, Anger, Cynicism, and Injustice drove me!!!  ~smiles~  It gave me the fire that made me write, now that fire is all but snuffed ~smiles~. It was merely a demon blinding me this whole time, but the light of God tears through my soul like rays of sunlight made of stainless steel.

I understand now…

Soulfly

Under the Sun

(Black Sabbath Cover)