I have been bed ridden for the last couple of days.  Very sick and very much in pain.  I am dizzy all the time, so it makes it hard to do anything.  When I get like this depression is right behind me.  It has been several days since I ran out of Marijuana.  No bleeding yet, but I am sure my intestines will start bleeding in the next couple of days.

It feels like there is a set of wind up teeth shaking my whole body ~sighs~.  We don’t have enough money this paycheck to get my medicine, so I will probably have to wait another two weeks, which means I might have to get some valium to relieve the stress and PTSD before I kill someone or hurt myself ~sighs~.

I haven’t had to pay for pot for the last couple years because my partner and I were growing it.  We both have authorizations from the State of Washington to grow and smoke as much as we need.  Art smokes about 7 grams a day, I only smoke 2 grams a day.  I don’t think anymore than that will do anything.   I think Art might be addicted to it, and he doesn’t have the pain tolerance I have.  At any rate if I want it I have to pay for it now ~sighs~.  And we just can’t afford it with me waiting for SSD to stop fucking around with my life.  Honestly, the bastards are lucky I haven’t walked in and opened up fire on them.

I feel like death warmed over and put in the freezer to be reheated again!  I have no good news, oh wait yes I do.  The laboratory sent me an over payment check for $42 ~chuckles~, so I guess some good happened today.  I feel so shitty though I find myself praying for death.  If I die then my family gets $1000/month but alive I am not worth anything.  When I get my SSD I will only be worth $683/month, so I am worth more dead.  That is so disparaging.

My mom and dad are celebrating their 44^th wedding anniversary today ~cheers~.  I don’t think too many couples in their generation are still married today? ~ponders~  I am glad my dad finally got his money, now my mom and dad don’t have to stress too much for the time being.

Well I hope I feel better tomorrow because I sure miss reading my friend’s blogs.  I lose touch with reality when I am this ill.  At least I am still able to type ~wearily grins~  Just don’t want you guys thinking I’m dead yet ~smiles~…

I am doing much better today than I was the last couple.  I was actually able to do laundry and clean the house spotless.  Damn I’m a good bitch ~winks~.

Art has been going crazy.  He doesn’t not like being alone and since his divorce he has been obsessing on getting a woman.  He doesn’t really care what she looks like.  He just wants to be loved.  He is 32 and stuck in a wheelchair.  He makes $683/month from disability and owns his house with is valued at $140k.

The problem with Art is he is a social retard, so any woman who was interested in him needs to look past the schizophrenic and obsessive nature he exudes.  Once you get past the social retardedness of the guy, he is one of the most loving caring people in the world.

I can say one thing about Art; He doesn’t lie which basically means he has no tact, nor does he wish to possess such qualities.  My friends and I have told him to get a hustler magazine and a nice toy from the sexshop, but he refuses to masturbate or use toys.  So the poor guy must like blue balls.

Anyways, if someone thinks they can handle such a job, or has great compassion for the crippled…lemme know.

I find it funny because I see a lot of superficial women daily.  They say certain things about love, kindness, etc.  But only mean that if the guy looks like Mel Gibson or Brad Pitt ~chuckles~.

Actually, he looks more like a young Ozzy Osbourne, but he is 32.  So not too old, and not too young…anyways perhaps there are some mail order brides out there looking for citizenship?  Hell I don’t care I just hate to see my brother horny ~grins~.

…

I am still alive.  I defied doctor’s orders and went on a backpacking trip anyways ~grins~.  I am not suppose to be on my feet for more than 30 minutes at a time and was on them for hours this weekend while traversing the Sullivan Loop around Mt. Salmo.

It was up and down the whole way with very little flat land.  I got my ass kicked hard and have been bed ridden for the last two days ~cringes~.  Today is the first day I feel good enough to get up and type.  I should be back to my Mr. Mom duties by tomorrow.

The problems stemmed from the “Blow Down” trees on the trail, so we did a lot of extra climbing and crawling going on.  If not for that I probably would have faired a little better.

Meriwether Lars and Virgil were great ~snickers~.  They are very good guides in the wilderness and can walk up or downhill like it is nothing, but I guess when you do it all the time you will get really good at it.  Those are their nicknames now, mine is “Heart Attack” ~chuckles~.  My poor heart started cramping up twice on the way back.  It sucked I had to rest for a while until the cramps left my heart.  Had I pushed it harder?  I probably wouldn’t be writing this right now ~chuckles~.

We saw Moose, Deer, Elk, Frogs, and Butterflies.  We saw Black Bear Pooh and Mountain Lion but never saw the real deal.  We were in Grizzly country and I was hoping to see a Grizzly or a Wolf, but they like to hide from humans with great reason ~smiles~.

My brother Matt (my sister’s brother) paid for everything.  And I would just like to think Matthew and Steven publicly and send my admiration for you two terrors of the trail ~smiles~.  I am glad I got to know my brothers better, perhaps next time I shall be in better shape and fly like you guys ~smiles~.

Anyways, I am alive and safe.  In quite a bit of pain but that should subside in a day or two ~winks~.  It builds character; anyways I am glad I made it because a couple of times there I didn’t think I would J

Today’s Song:

Queensryche

My Empty Room

Empty room today

And here I sit

Chalk outline upon the wall

I remember tracing it

A thousand times, the night she died.

Why? (Why?)

There's no sleep today, I can't pretend

When all my dreams are crimes

I can't stand facing them

Now who will come

To wash away my sins

Clean my room, fix my meals

Be my friend?

Well, tomorrow by this time I will be heading up a mountain.  We are backpacking around the Salmo Mts.  Above Sullivan Lake.  It is a two day journey that covers over 18 miles.  This is basically suicide ~chuckles~ on which I will alleviate.

Yesterday I went to the doctor twice ~sighs~.  The first doctor is sending me to surgery for a big ass tumor.  The first consultation will be on the 29^th with the surgeon.  Just a couple days after I get back ~grins~.

I stopped taking all my pills except for my blood thinners.  Heart meds, BP meds, etc. I stopped taking them all.  I have been walking everyday, eating better and taking Vitamins, Minerals and Supplements.  Well, yesterday when I went in for my monthly visit my Blood Pressure was 180/110 ~cringes~.  My doctor told me to stop excersicing until I get my BP back under control.  He told me to tell my wife that if I don’t start taking my life sustaining medicines that my wife will be a widow in a month or two, but they told me I was suppose to be dead last year and here I am ~cackles~.

I am not going to stop my backpacking trip even though I have halted my daily excersice until I get my Heart and BP meds back.  The reason I stopped taking them is my wife’s mom has had success with Magnesium, Calcium and Zinc, but my doctor told me that as severe as mine is minerals alone will not do the job ~sighs~.  Another reason is because my wife’s prescription plan changed and they want everything to be mail order for a 90 day supply.  I don’t have the money for that shit even with insurance, let alone they make it so confusing as how and who to give the prescription to that I had to let it go before I started hurting others and myself.  I wish I could let abusive authority go!

They actually have a name for my pscyhological disorder ~grins~.  It’s called Explosive something something…syndrome ~chuckles~.  They got a name for everything though, but my lawyer wants me to document it so he can show disability that I am wacked out of my skull and violent to authroity.  Cool!  I don’t know what comes over me but I am sure they will try and fix with their VIOXX, errr I mean pills, yeah pills!  I hate fucking pills that’s why I smoke pot.

I tell you all this because if you don’t see a blog in the next week or so I’m probably dead ~chuckles~, and if I am to die I sure as hell don’t want to do it in a hospital or the concrete jungle.  I would like to be some place serene like the wilderness, or alone with my family ~smiles~.  I don’t really want to die, but the pain is terrible sometimes and I just can’t take it.  I want to see my grandkids and spoil them rotten! ~grins~

At anyrate I am sure nothing will happen.  My wife says I am too damn stubborn to die, and this has been proven true in the past.  I should have died a thousand times already in my life, but alas I am kicking against all medical standards ~grins~, so why would I change?…

The reason I haven’t been posting everyday lately is because I have a new Xbox game ~chuckles~, so I am not dead.  I just thought I’d let you guys know that.  My son is ahead of me on the game, so I have been putting in extra hours to kick his butt.  The game is not new per se, but new to us.  It is Knights of the Old Republic II.  We played the first one and man was it hard to get light points.  This time I am almost as light as light can be.  My boy Malachi is about as dark as a Sith Lord can be ~grins~.

My wife put us in debt to get me some budz.  It is the first time I had to buy any in two years ~sighs~.  That shit is expensive, and it wouldn’t be if they would just legalize the shit.  Speaking of this; 500 economist, 3 of them Pulitzer Prize Winners, and one worked directly under Dick Cheney have said that Marijuana needs to be legalized and taxed.  That this felonious “Drug War” (nice name for ripping the taxpayer off eh?).  I think this is an evolutionary step in our war against the psuedo culture.

I have been helping Art out a bit too.  I wouldn’t feel right not doing it after all the help he has given me.  My wife on the other hand doesn’t understand the rules in my world.  If someone helps me, I help them.  The problem is Art smokes about a ¼ oz a day ~cringes~.  I smoke about two grams a day, but since I only have a ½ oz (a lot less now) I have been cutting down to a gram a day, but in reality it is more than that I am sure.  Art would uknowingly smoke every bit of bud I have in a day or two.  I know that he is in a lot of pain, but he really should cut down on his intake, especially with smoking them nasty ass ciggarettes.  Oh well I am sure we’ll be fine.  He is coming over tonight we are going to drink some beers and roast some bowls.

Art does not like being alone ever.  I do need some alone time.  Not much just enough to keep the house in order and play a few hours of video games.  I think I will just not answer the phone anymore when I am playing ~chuckles~.  If someone wants to see me that bad they can come over ~laughs~.

I have no song for today yet, perhaps later.  I am kind of in a rush today ~smiles~…

I had a great Father’s Day yesterday and even got out of the dishes.  For those of you whose father’s aren’t with you anymore, I am sorry for your loss.  I didn’t always get along with my dad when I was a kid, but I sure do love this shit out of him now.

Vioxx almost took him from us a few years back.  I get so pissed off when I think about that goddamned scumbag who falsified reports so that he wouldn’t lose his job, now thousands of families have dead or crippled fathers.  I am fortunate as my father retained his intelligence and personality, so he still knows who we are.  I have seen strokes do terrible things to people.  They are not even themselves when they come back from it.  So by the grace of God I am blessed that my father is still here.

Truth be told, I don’t want to be around when the people I love start dying ~frowns~.  I am not even suppose to be stressed and that is why I smoke pot.  To mellow me out and make me apathetic towards just about everything, as well as disassociating pain.

My wife, God bless her soul put us deeper in debt to get me a half ounce.  The price was $160.  I have not had to pay for pot in about two years.  My grow room will have a harvest in about seven weeks.  I wasn’t going to ask for it either, I was just planning on staying in pain, sick until I was hospitalized.  It was a good thing she got it too, because I wasn’t going to tell her my stomach and intestines were starting to bleed out again ~sighs~.  But now that I have my magical plant (no wonder the pharmecutical companies don’t want it legal) it seems to be healing back up.  I use to always laugh at the saying “Stress is a Killer”, now I am a true believer that it is.

It affects me emotionally to take away from my family like this, but the alternative isn’t that great either ~chuckles~.  I either spend $160 that I don’t have, or spend thousands of dollars in doctor bills and pills that I definitely don’t have ~sighs~.  But after the Vioxx scare where that scumbag falsified evidence (and will probably not spend a fucking minute in jail), I have no desire to take pills anymore.  I am planning on stopping all my medications except my blood thinner and aspirin.

My mother in law use to take pills for her blood pressure, now she pressure is fine and she did using Zinc, Magnesium, and calcium, so that is what I am going to do.  Pharmacutical companies are spending billions of dollars a year to try and illegalize natural rememdies on the basis that they are not FDA approved, like that would ever happen whith all the money being shoved in their pockets by lobbyist, which should be illegalized as well.

Malachi got a new game, well it’s not new but it is too us ~chuckles~.  Knights of the Old Republic II.  We played 1 already.  So far this game has been as good if not better than the first one.  It is an RPG style engine/game, but we have played a lot of the Star Wars games, like Battlefront I & II.  I have been playing Star Wars since the 286 computers ruled the Earth ~chuckles~.  Anyways, that means I have a new addiction to obssess on until I beat it ~grins~.

I guess that is it for now…

Black Sabbath

Eternal Idol

No one said it had to be this way
Why are we the victims of their
Final word
Dying world is killing us so slowly
I believe no god may save us now

Can't you see what I see
Sinners say your prayers tonite
Your judgement day is here

Child tomorrow will die, not even
Born jesus our questions
He never seems to hear
Dying for the answers may be
The price we pay, to find the
Key to our lives
Is there a heaven is there
A hell
Who's this god, tell me there's
No god above, why
We chose what lord, deep
Within our souls
He's not one thing
We are his spirit
We could save this world
From destruction day

Can't you see what I see
You and I victims of
Their word
As the master of power
Try to poison our world
Greed money taken over
Their souls, you're
Just mechanical brains
Politicians don't know
Just don't know
We can chance this world we
Live in, don't let it die

We took Malachi and Mariah to see “Cars”, it was a cute and funny movie, especially if you like NASCAR.  I also noticed Will Farrell has a new movie coming out called “Taledega Nights”, man NASCAR is really moving up.  I would rather watch race cars anyways, they are one of the few low paid sports left.  I can’t even stomach Baseball anymore or Basketball.  No one in the entire universe, save God himself is worth that kind of money.  I use to like baseball but their greed and selfish immature antics have turned me off to them for the last decade.

Anyways, after the movie my mom and dad surprised Malachi with a graduation dinner at a nice resturaunt.  And told us they were taking us on a Carribean Cruisliner to Alaska next year, not just that they are putting $1000.00 on our cabin ~cheers~.  That is so awesome.  I have never been on a cruise ship, so I guess I will try and stay alive for another year ~chuckles~.

Well my wife’s insurance is screwing around with my meds.  I have no more blood pressure, bloodthinners, or cholesterol medications.  Soon I will be out of my heart meds too ~snickers~.  I told my wife I am tired of being a burden and am no longer taking my pills, if God fucking wants me he can have me!

I am in severe pain right now.  I haven’t had Marijuana in three days.  I haven’t started bleeding out yet, but I am sure that is around the corner.  The pain makes me irritable and snappish.  I don’t like being like that but the pain makes it hard not to be.  It isn’t on purpose.  It is just a product of my pain.  Another seven weeks and I’ll have bud, but for now suffering is the order of the day.

Today’s song is very important too me because it was one our “Clan Brothers” shared when Mark Naranjo was the prophet, unfortunately he was taken from us a few years ago at the age of 35. ~sighs~  I give these warnings not to scare anyone, but to prepare them for the end of days which is swiftly coming to a close in the next few years.  Mark was a die hard Gnostic back when I was a Wizard for the Dark Lord, but it never kept Mark from loving me and befriending me until the day I could change.  He was wise beyond his years.  He actually knew his death was coming because he was a Gnostic Prophet. He got all his affairs in order even though he didn't have anything diagnosed.  His heart just stopped one night while sleeping with his daughter.

His son died a few years before him and he was never quite the same after that.  Mark still comes to me in my dreams and we drink beer and discuss the old times.  Today it is my burden to be the prophet of destruction.  I didn’t ask for the job, that’s just the way it is ~sighs~.  So please heed the warnings…if not my job is already done ~smiles~

Queensryche

Warning

I remember I was asking why
And someday you said I'd know
All these years, of fighting hard
And now it's finally come too close

I can't believe it's now happening to me
Oh, couldn't it wait a few hundred years
Destiny can't rest you see, now it's time
Time to cry your tears! Now cry!

The child of centuries, forgotten in time
You talk in circles of rhyme
Seer of places future and past
The warning you gave us is surely our last

Warning!

Behold the child, his pointing hand
Is raised in solemn grace
His eyes once wide with learning wonder
Now leave stains upon his face

Now see the hands of the working man
He's leaning back against the wall
Once busy hands are idle now
Standing ready for the fall! Our fall!

The signs will come as days past by
For those that claim to see
The blind will stay not choosing to die
Not believing the visions I've seen

Warning!

The FBI, CIA, NSA or DEA have not kicked down my door.  This a good thing ~chuckles~.  My paranoia has disappeared, perhaps it is too early to be feeling safe, but I refuse to live my life in fear ~smiles~.

I went to my brother David’s house to help him with his new $1300.00 PC media computer.  Sheesh, it was nice as fast.  He has a beautiful 19” LCD monitor too.  Anyways, I was going to come over to help him transfer his music from his old computer to the new one.  I had a lot of fun playing with it.  Thank God I put Norton Go-Back on his computer before I screwed with it. ~chuckles~  I am a computer/network specialist, so I can usually fix just about any problem.  It sure saves my friends and family a crapload of money ~smiles~.

He got a crossover cable so we could create a network between the computers, but he didn’t have a NIC card for his old computer, so we just screwed around with Go-Back and about the time I was ready to leave.  He remembered he had a crossover cable ~snickers~.  He bought beer to drink while we were screwing around.  It sure is a nice system.

I went to my son’s 6^th grade graduation last night.  It was awesome.  I can’t believe how good some of them 6^th graders can play music.  These two kids played a two man band song…and they sounded like the White Stripes.  This other girl who was singing was awesome!  Kids are just growing up too damn fast.

Anyways when we got home I just broke down into tears.  I want to see my grandkids but have been told to keep my affairs in order ~sighs~.  What started the water-works was the Johnny Cash song “A Bridge Over Troubled Water”  I turned into a simpering fool ~chuckles~.  Crying is good medicine though, it is the reason women outlive men by a good number of years, because men don’t show their emotions, but women do.

We are going to go see “Cars” tomorrow.  And then Malachi’s Grandma & Grandpa are going to give Malachi a surprise dinner for graduation. ~smiles~  He bought a game with all the money he got for graduation gifts.  It is an older game but we played the first one and I really liked it. “Knight of the Old Republic II”  The first one was really fun and had a grip of playability.  Now that school is out, I doubt I’ll get much time on the Xbox ~grins~.

This is the second day without Marijuana and all I can say is OUCH!  I don’t like myself normally. ~chuckles~  I am broken when straight.  My mind moves so fast that I have a tendency to be self-destructive ~sighs~.  So far I have maintained though and haven’t been taking my excruciating pain out on everyone.  It is very hard to not be an asshole when I am in pain and my mind is whirling like a dervish.

I have a great wife (Julie).  She said she would go work two jobs just so I could buy pot for the next month or so until our new crop comes in, but I won’t let her do that.  She already does enough.  She makes really good money, but after I was forced to quit working our income dropped 50% ~cringes~.  We are almost caught up and can almost live on the amount of money she makes.  I wish disability would hurry up.  I would feel much better if I contributed.  I clean house, as a matter of facts my house is so clean the Virgin Mary could eat off my toilet, well perhaps not that nice but I am always complimented on how well I keep the house.  It’s nice because I don’t have a boss ~grins~.  And I am free to sit or stand as needed for my pain, which is very nice.

System of A Down

The Prison Song

They're trying to build a prison
They're trying to build a prison

 
Following the rights movement
You clamped on with your iron fists
Drugs became conveniently
Available for all the kids

 I buy my crack, I smack, my bitch right here in Hollywood

nearly 2 million Americans are
incarcerated in the prison system
prison system of the US

They're trying to build a prison
For you and me to live in!
Another prison system
Another prison system
Another prison system
For you and me!

Minor drug offenders fill your prisons
you don't even flinch
all our taxes paying for your wars
against the new non-rich
 
The percentage of Americans in the prison system
 has doubled since 1985

They're trying to build a prison
They're trying to build a prison
They're trying to build a prison
(For you and me to live in!)
Another prison system
Another prison system
Another prison system
For you and I, For you and I, For you and I.

 All research and successful drug policy show
that treatment should be increased
And law enforcement decreased
While abolishing mandatory minimum sentences
 
Utilizing drugs to pay for secret wars around the world
drugs are now your global policy now you police the globe

 
I buy my crack; I smack my bitch, right here in Hollywood

Drug money is used to rig elections
and train brutal corporate sponsored dictators
around the world

They're trying to build a prison
They're trying to build a prison

They're trying to build a prison
 Another prison system
Another prison system
Another prison system
For you and me!
For you and I, for you and I, for you and I
For you and I

 
They're trying to build a prison
They're trying to build a prison
They're trying to build a prison
for you and me

oh baby, you and me…                     

My wife and I watched  “A History of Violence” and that movie really wracked me with emotions I haven’t had in a long time ~sighs~.  I will try and explain this so I do not incriminate myself and hopefully it will ease the stress that movie caused me.

Back in the 80’s I ran security for a methamphetamine Lab sponsored by the government.  Let’s just say there are some things out there in the desert I hope they never find.  It was my job to rid the massive orchard of pirates who come to kill everyone and take the bathtub of dope.  We didn’t have to worry about the cops because they had orders not to arrest us because of a 2yr DEA sting that was going on, but in reality there was no sting going on.  It was just a flim-flam excuse to keep the Sheriffs off our backs.

We were trained in Para-military guerilla style tactics.  At one point I could shoot the eye out of a rat at a thousand yards ~snickers~.  My biggest concern was not letting anyone into the lab with lighters and cigarettes.  Ether has a tendency to make one super stupid.  Labs blow up all the time because someone gets so whacked they forget they can’t smoke cigarettes with Ether.

The reason I went into this is because that movie “History of Violence” is I.  I was a Joey Cusik.  I am not that same person today.  I don’t even have the same soul.  I traded it in for a good soul when my boy was two years old and I realized I didn’t want him living in my world of bikers, mafia, murderers, etc.  In other words Hell.  The spirit of our fathers has baptized me and I am a new soul and have been for a decade or more.

I quit Meth 10 years ago after shooting at a bunch of my own brothers for starting a gang war with a rival biker gang.  I was always packing and ready for everything.  When I slept I had to have people guard me so I wasn’t killed in my sleep.  Even my wife says it is like a whole lifetime ago.  If I were to be prosecuted today for my past crimes they would be sending essentially an innocent soul to the Gas Chamber.

Today I am an upstanding citizen and have been for over a decade.  The reason I am plagued by fear is:

I use to use dirty needles all the time.  I screwed every meth slut in San Diego among other things ~cringes~, and I never got so much as Hep C.  I have known people who shot up once and they got HIV ~cringes~.  I give kudos to the Dark Lord for keeping me fit in those days I lived in Hell, but the minute my soul was saved the dark lord cursed me with terminal illness.  Not too mention that this is my penance and atonement for the heinous crimes I have committed so that my soul can be free when I die.  I am getting a great fucking deal!  And I would rather be in excruciating pain and sickness than spend all eternity in some self-created Hell of an afterlife!

My real fear is being caught for crimes done decades ago when I was a dark wizard and taking care of business of the day, or having people come up here and find me.

On a much lighter note; I thought I was going to be unable to go on my backpacking trip because of financial problem (thank you Disability for fucking me) trying to get a little money I put into the system for decades ~sighs~.  Anyways, I told Matthew I wasn’t going to make it, but he said he will loan me the rental money and stuff ~smiles~.  So It looks like I’ll be going after all ~smiles~.  I really need to get out of this city and rejuvenate my power/soul.

This is the song on my site now, since some people have a hard time hearing the lyrics in my Heavy Metal songs I thought I might help out by putting them down so that whoever wants to read the music will learn some in-depth details about who I am ~smiles~…

Heaven and Hell

Black Sabbath

Sing me a song, you're a singer
do me a wrong, you're a bringer of evil
The Devil is never a maker
the less that you give, you're a taker
So it's on and on and on, it's Heaven and Hell, oh well

The lover of life's not a sinner
The ending is just a beginner
The closer you get to the meaning
the sooner you'll know that you're dreaming
So it's on and on and on, oh it's on and on and on
It goes on and on and on, Heaven and Hell
I can tell, fool, fool!

Well if it seems to be real, it's illusion
for every moment of truth, there's confusion in life
Love can be seen as the answer, but nobody bleeds for the dancer
and it's on and on, on and on and on....

They say that life's a carousel
Spinning fast, you've got to ride it well
The world is full of Kings and Queens
who blind your eyes and steal your dreams
It's Heaven and Hell, oh well
And they'll tell you black is really white
The moon is just the sun at night
And when you walk in golden halls
you get to keep the gold that falls
It's Heaven and Hell, oh no!
Fool, fool!
You've got to bleed for the dancer!
Fool, fool!
Look for the answer!
Fool, fool, fool!  

Art came over around 9;30AM, so we started drinking Mandarin Orange Heferweisen and rolling one doobie after another ~grins~.  I think I finally stopped drinking at 9:30PM.  Not bad for a twelve hour drink-a-thon!  I literally drank myself sober ~snickers~.  I know others out there reading this know what I mean ~grins~.

Hell it’s 11:36PM and they are still over there drinking.  I guess Carlos & Anna brought some girls over for Art.  I think he is spending the night at their house (my next door neighbors) tonight, or perhaps he’ll get lucky and get himself a girlie tonight.  He just seems so happy and free now, he is nothing like he was.  His hate is fading away into the twilight ~smiles~.

I am going to not be smoking pot for about seven weeks, not including my backpacking trip which I’ll have some buds for the end of the day.  I really hate the fact that I have to pay for it now ~sighs~.  I don’t have that kind of money so I guess I will have to go to the doctor and get some goddamned narcotics, perhaps some valium and some oxycontin ~shrugs~.  I get all strung out and jaded on narcotics, so I try and avoid them.

It rained all day here and I was drinking today so I never got to take Shiloh for her walk, our walk.  I did go next door and gave her a doggy bacon treat and scratched her tummy for a while ~smiles~.  She loves me!  She was getting very fat from being stuck in the house all day, and I wasn’t fairing much better ~snickers~, so we both get something out of it.  She is a great walking partner because she doesn’t talk and I can listen to my Mp3’s ~smiles~.

My mom and dad called today.  I guess my dad is getting his VA benefits so they are getting over $3000.00/month just from the VA.  That doesn’t include his Navy retirement pay, disability and SSI ~smiles~, so they are actually doing quite well, but my dad only gets it as long as he is alive.  We’d like to keep him around a little longer anyways ~smiles~.

Malachi is having his 6^th grade graduation tomorrow, so Friday we are going to eat at Subway and go see the movie “Cars”.  I bet there will be a lot of NASCAR fans going to that one.  Pixar has a way of insinuating sexual exploits which fly over kid’s heads for the most part ~smiles~, so the kids and parents both like it.

Well I hope this finds everyone well and I sure hope Linda surfaces soon because I have no way of getting a hold of her and the last I heard she has severe pneumonia ~sighs~…

First off I want to send a prayer to God for Linda.  I have not seen any writings from Linda or the flying monkeys.  The reason this concerns me is because last I heard from Linda she had very bad Pneumonia ~sighs~.  I sure hope you and the rest of your flying monkeys are ok hun ~hugs~.  The sun no longer shines without your vivaciousness. ~winks~

Yesterday I was walking the neighbor’s dog like I do every night, when a stray started following us.  It was a very beautiful dog and looked part wolf and Akita.  Anyways, this dog adopted us and started following us.  The dumbass ran right out in front of a truck and got hit.  My heart sunk to my stomach.  I sure was glad to see that dog jump up after skidding and rolling several times.  Go doggy!

I was screwing around yesterday while cleaning the house and I thought I broke my vacuum.  It just shut off, luckily it has an automatic shutdown so you can’t burn out the engine, so I just had to let it sit for 30 minutes ~smiles~.  Thank god, because I really didn’t feel like spending $150 on a new Hoover.

Malachi came home yesterday and he tried to get me to sign some paper without reading it.  Apparently he was teasing some kids after school and someone’s mom made a big to-do out of it.  They always route the calls around me because they know I will fly off on the school administrators.  It wasn’t even on school grounds and my boy is very warm-hearted and would never do anything purposely to hurt someone.  I’d sure like to kick that kid’s dads ass though ~snickers~.  Our country is so pussified and corrupt it makes me want to barf, especially because we are the best of all the countries.  Man!  It would really suck to live anywhere else then huh? ~laughs~  I wouldn’t mind living in Amsterdam or Canada though, they seem very nice and have great policies, healthcare and a maturity that no other countries can match.

I am about seven weeks out to having more bud. ~sighs~  I will probably have to buy some for the backpacking trip.  At the end of the day, after walking all day a bowl is rather nice to stop the excruciating pain I will be in ~chuckles~  I can’t just lie down and die.  I must push myself because I am a firm believer in dying with your boots on. ~smiles~

I sure hope everyone is doing well, especially Linda…

I had a Marijuana hangover from all the brownies I ate ~grins~.  I know you can’t overdose on bud but I sure felt like I might have been close ~chuckles~.  You know when you hallucinate of Ganja you’ve had too much ~chuckles~.  But them Oatmeal Brownies were yummy and good.

Our family went to my mom and dad’s summer home.  They live in Spokane in the summer and Yuma in the winter.  They do not like the snow ~chuckles~.  We had meatloaf ~drools~.  Meatloaf is good for sandwiches too ~grins~.

My mom and dad got Comcast yesterday.  I spent an hour or two running the cable up through a tiny hole in the floor.  I had to make a new 1” hole in the ceiling downstairs, nothing a piece of duck tape can’t fix or a plug.  I told my mom once she got high speed Internet she wouldn’t be able to go back ~chuckles~.  Now they even have digital television ~chuckles~.  They have Adelphia in Yuma and Comcast in Spokane ~chuckles~.  I told my mother she should just get a hotmail account or a yahoo.  Something you could check no matter where you are ~smiles~.  She had to change her address every time they migrated North or South.  At least with Yahoo people don’t have to have five email addresses and wondering which one to reach you at ~chuckles~.

Everyone is at church right now, so I have a few hours of free time on Sunday Morning.  I don’t clean on the weekends ~smiles~.  I need a couple days off too ~chuckles~.  I do the bare minimum on the weekends.

I hope today finds everyone well…

I have been trying to set Art up with Jenny, but the last two days have kind of sucked.  She didn’t feel like it yesterday and said we could tomorrow, or today depending on what time frame of mind your in ~chuckles~.  So today, we went and got beer.  Art bought a good amount of beer, over $20 worth, and he got Jenny her favorite beer.

Art and I made Oatmeal Marijuana Brownie cookie Bars and these things were potent.  I have had six or seven already, but because of my pain that isn’t really that much, however we gave one to Carlos and he never smokes it anymore.  He got so high that he had to go into his room and make it dark and lay on his bed.  I went in to talk to him and told him just to enjoy it ~smiles~.  He said he was just trying to cope because he was at a hallucinogenic level.  That is a good thing ~winks~.

Information links the Zoroastrians to having hallucinogenic in their ointments as well as Cannabis.  This brings me to the story of Saul where he was anointed with the oils, sacred oils of powerful spiritual visions.  To make a long story short they found Saul naked in the fetal position shaking in the wilderness.  He had a really bad trip, which in and of itself is not the fault of the hallucinogenic, because they are more of a tool for introspection.

Zoroastrians where pre-Catholic Christians who too were murdered by the self perpetuating army of new blood which could crawl out from underground after 325 years of struggle and suffering.  It is unfortunate that the modern church is far removed from the truth.  This is sad to both God and all the messiahs who tried to re-sew the torn fabric of reality.  But the demons of ambition and technology would eventually escape and zombify the souls of immeasurable proportions.

Christianity would love to put science in the dust, so much that they are now accepting Quantum Laws, Mechanics and Physics into consideration of God’s total plan.  I know some really good Christians they are not bad, but any mob as a whole becomes grossly corrupt in the pursuit, and it’s perpetual existence.  Very few have ever been able to wear the Cloak of Incorruptibility.  Quantum’s are the glue that binds it all together in Intelligent Design.

I have a direct link with God when it comes to prophecy.  I see and understand the great and ancient symbolisms of words and numbers.  I see the spirits controlling man, even great wizards and spiritualists can be blindsided by a demon of heinous emotion such as hate, anger, self – Righteousness, and conceit.  It is important that once you notice a foul demon entering you soul via emotion, you must use your will to decimate, or ask your God for protection.  God has told me that Revelations is real and it is seemingly unraveling.  We must do something fast, we the many and the small must devour the few and the powerful (figuratively speaking of course).  Think of it as “A Bug’s Life” where they finally realized that they had the power and that money, hate and all demonic (Grasshoppers) emotions(Fear) would no longer have control over us and LOVE would shine like a great sun, and in the golden light the darkness would fear and fall back.  No true darkness exists on our Earth, albeit man-made.  But Darkness finds a refuge anywhere, including your shadow.  It cannot be defeated.  It has been here for several millions of years.  A mortal who would consider the possibility of calling an evil spirit and expect anything good to come from it, is an insane psychopath to begin with ~chuckles~.

Darkness cannot live without the Light, now can the light live without its shadow. Find your way to the Ethereal Glue which binds the good and evil together, there many answers can be found.  No one needs a pastor or church, that is what Jesus was rebelling against, the moneychangers and the popular ~smiles~.  Jesus was trying to teach everyone how he or she could have God with him or her here and now, Buddha 500yrs before Christ, tried to teach the same doctrines.

I do not seek enlightenment, nor do I linger where none exists…

OK, I have had it with my government!  I just got my reconsideration denied from SSD ~roars~.  I am so tired of fighting my government.  Let me tell you why and then you can roast me or agree, or do whatever it is that you do ~chuckles~.

We have had a large influx of Russian immigrants flooding our city for the last couple years.  Well they come as immigrant and not true citizens and they get free housing, free food, free transportation and a goddamned free education.

I was diagnosed terminal last year.  I should have been dead last year but still I am here ~sighs~.  I have been fighting disability this whole time.  What kind of people work for them “monkeys” (no offense to the flying kind ~chuckles~).  I have worked my ass off.  Not as hard as some, and harder than others, but I have put my 20+ years in and it’s like pulling fucking teeth to get any help while criminals get plush living environments, free healthcare, and housing assistance when they get out.  I know I have watched my brother Shaun do it many time ~sighs~.

Hell the VA is even fighting my father who was a lifer in the Navy.  He literally has to fight to get the assistance that any asshole can see he needs but our beauracracy never seems to amaze me with its clumsy stupidity.

And today I took the next door neighbor’s dog for a walk like I always do and as I was almost home I got a excruciating headache, my eyes went blurry and my knees buckled, luckily the dog and my walking stick broke my fall.  It seems I had a TIA, which is a mini stroke.  Go figure I start working out everyday and trying to get healthy and BLAMMO!  Life never seems to amaze me with its sadistic nature.

My mom and dad were really worried.  That is the last thing my mom need to bury one of her sons while taking care of my father who was damn nearly killed by Vioxx ~sighs~.  I am feeling better now but I have been hallucinating a bit and my eyes are bit blurry still…they haven’t fully recuperated.  I can read but sometimes my brain does not comprehend what I am reading…it’s like daydreaming but without realizing it.  My mom said I should go to the Urgent Care, but I am allergic to X-ray dye, so I’m fucked ~throws hands in the air~

I got a lawyer working on my disability now.  I was hoping they would come to their senses, especially after knowing I tried to kill my last two bosses…they are asking for me to kill someone!  It’s almost like some twisted X-Files experiment to see how fucking much I can take ~chuckles~.

I am extremely frustrated with my country and my government!  This just puts that much more weight on my poor wife ~sighs~.  Perhaps I can find something under the table ~shrugs~ because if you go to work your claim is nil, but soon as you get authorized then they let you go to work for $800/month…why must they wait until you are in total despair, it’s almost like some weird ass conspiracy.  My dad use to tell me, “Just because you paranoid, doesn’t mean they’re not out to get you.” ~snickers~

Well hopefully my sight will get better and I won’t have another one.  It has been a couple years since the one took my eye and ear out ~shrugs~.  I still don’t have total color saturation in my eye from that time.

Anyways, I sure hope you guys are doing better than me…

Art came over today and we did the Eharmony thing for him, but we put seperated on it and it won’t let you match up until your divorced ~grins~, because the guy is a Christian ~chuckles~.

We listened to some music and smoked some bowls.  Then he met one of my neighbors.  She is probably 20 years old.  She has a pretty face, blue eyes and blond hair.  She is a big girl just like us barbarians like em ~smiles~.  Anwyays, now he is obssessed about partying with her ~chuckles~.  I love Art so much but the guy can be seemingly pushy ~smiles~.  I am sure he is just lonely with his kids being jerked away from him and driven to the coast so that he can’t see them.  And his marriage of 12 years is in the final processes of being disolved.

I am so glad I have the wife I do.  There are many good things about her, especially when it come to sacrifice and work.  She is a hardworking girl and makes great money at SAFECO.  When Art couldn’t work anymore and his wife had to work she started becoming and evil witch.  It’s bad enough when a guy is dying, but to treat him like shit isn’t going to get her any brownie points when the man comes around.

I have been hanging out in Yahoo Pagan Chat 1 lately.  It is a mess in there all the time and not as mellow as a moderated Mirc room ~smiles~.  But I am making some friends, and of course some enemies as well ~smiles~.

We have this one guy named Arius, but he always uses a different nick everytime he comes in, all he does is talk about how the black people are being robbed and abused by the white.  This has been going on everyday for a couple years now ~chuckles~.  The guy creates hate and grief because apparently he has nothing better to do ~chuckles~.

I have been in the Occult since I was 14 and it has been a passion of mine ever since it’s inception into my soul.  I am a Gnostic but have been pretty much  into everything for a few years at a time until I finally realized what I wanted ~smiles~.  My music and my arcane knowledge are both very passionate things.

I actually speak better through music, if anyone wants to know how I am feeling just listen to what I am listening too ~smiles~.  I even use music to program myself for certain obstacles or events.  If all the instruments in the world went out of existance I would still be making buffalo skin drums and clacking sticks together ~smiles~.

I hope you are all doing well…

First off I want to apologize for any miscommunication.  I didn’t mean to lighten the severity of what is going on India.  I was merely waxing nostalgic about a time when flirtation was a mutual understanding, not to be confused with sexual harassment or taunting.  And then I backed it up with what I thought was wrong with the world through my eyes, but I never ever meant to hurt anyone or make light a terrible situation, perhaps I could have worded it better so that the two things were separate and not seen as one ~sighs~.  I would not want to see anyone hurt in anyway and I realize there is a difference between sexual harassment and flirtation.

I can’t tell you who I am because the NSA, CIA and FBI would be kicking down my door ~sighs~. Not that they aren’t anyways ~smirks~  I would like to tell everyone who I am so they would know that my prophesies are true.  However I need to protect my family because the government would not think twice about murdering us all for the so-called safety of our National Security ~smiles~.

I am the leader of a very powerful secret order that started in the 90’s.  We do not use technology to transfer information and plans.  I do want you to know that the end of days are coming soon.  Between 2007 – 2012 a plethora of world disasters, including nuclear will ravage our planet.  Two things that will cause this organization to rise up (over a million armed and ready across the globe) and reclaim this world for the people, is:

Right now in congress there is a bill that is trying to be shoved through that will make you pay for everything you do on the internet!!!(Please go to http://www.moveon.org and http://www.downsizeDC.com  They want to rid the world of freethinkers and grassroots organizations.  It will shut down communication and blogs will no longer be allowed without a hefty fee.  The people for the people wrote the Internet Constitution and the government is about to overstep its boundaries for the soul purpose of shutting down any resistance to their global economic plans and personal agendas.

NAIS (National Animal ID System), which to Christians across the world is the mark of the beast when it comes to human form.  The sad thing is most humans won’t even know they have the chip in them because of nanotechnology.  A human hair is 100,000 nanometers wide.  Although still in research the technology is growing in astounding leaps and bounds.  The purpose for scientists is to stop cancers and other diseases, but anyone with a lick of common sense knows that the government turns every benign object into a weapon.  Even if it did cure cancer you would never know about it because there is no money in the cure.  So a billion Christians will soon be joining us against our government.

We stand on the brink of world demise.  Franking, Adams and the rest of our ancestors said that when our government no longer serves it purpose(The People) and it is the responsibility of every American to rise up against a tyrannical government and overthrow it. Our government is trying to silence us!

I worked for the government secretly in the late 80’s and early 90’s getting people addicted to drugs and showing them how to make meth so that they could be arrested and taken out of the voting process.  I had to disappear for several years before I could bring my SSI card and real name back out into the public.  I was not the only one trained to do this, people were trained in every state in the largest cities.  The same people that trained Osama Bin Laden at the School of the Americas trained us.  My parents were in Louisiana luckily when I took a bullet in the leg. They probably had some clues when people jumped out of bushes with AK-47’s and M-16’s ~smiles~ later on when they came back from Louisiana and would pick me up at the lab to go visit with them.  But they never asked and I never told.  But they read my blog so now they will know ~smiles~. That would have been hard to explain how I got shot.  We did this for almost four years.  If you were to find documentation from the Governor of California to Sheriff Duffy at the time.  You would find explicit directions telling the sheriff’s department to leave us alone because it was a federal problem.  I knew something was up because I had 29 FTA’s in the San Diego Court System ~snickers~.  My ass would have been in jail if the sheriffs pulled me over, which they did daily only to let me go.  You could tell they didn’t like it very much ~grins~.  And they never did catch us.  Several sting operations were done by the Sheriffs to find out where we were getting the machine guns but none of them would stick.  We never even had to show up in court.  The Santee Sheriffs hated us ~grins~.

So here I stand in the end of times cocked, locked and loaded waiting for the messenger to knock on my door and tell me where to report for militia duty.

I tell you this because if I disappear and/or my family is kidnapped it is up to the Baron-Magi to take my place as the Grandmaster and follow through with God’s plan.  Expose the world to the truth so that they cannot deny it.

Right now thousands of extreme hackers (Black Hats CISSP specialists) wait in the shadows to see what the outcome is in the house on the Internet Bill, if we have too we will destroy the entire internet grid both civilian and military.  I sure hope that it doesn’t come to this but for most Gnostics we know it is the truth…

I was watching a movie last night with my wife when it sounded like someone was spraying a hose at my back door.  I thought I heard someone screwing around out back, sure enough John (The Tree) kicked the sprinkler and broke it ~sighs~, so our kitchen was flooded with water.  We had to break the head of the pop up sprinkler to keep it from flooding the house.

John is lucky I didn’t kick his ass.  I told him I aught to.  I should have made him come clean it on his knees in front of his girlfriend.  Anyways we got it all mopped up and finished the movie.  Then I went upstairs to harass John some more, well when I walked in Mark hit him over the head so hard with a phone book that he crumbled to his knees ~chuckles~  He said it didn’t hurt.  I just think he has a hard head ~snickers~.

His new girlfriend is hot too.  She is probably 4’9 about 99lbs, blonde hair and pretty brown eyes.  He even stopped drinking for her.  I told him he aught to keep her she seems to be good for him.  It is funny though because she is cute and sexy short thing and John is like 6’6” and 220lbs.  He must hit bottom a lot ~chuckles~.

The wife, her brother, and her sisters are taking her mom and dad to Klinkerdagger’s for dinner.  It is the most expensive restaurant in Spokane ~cringes~.  It is their parents 45^th wedding anniversary ~cheers~.  I hope they have a good time in spite of it bankrupting us ~snickers~.

I have a couple of Arrogant Bastard Ales, which taste a lot like Guinness Extra Stout.  I have enough pot to knock out a camel, so I’m good ~grins~, so I shall be fine tonight.

I hope you are all well ~smiles~…