I went to my psychologist today and I told him about my Disability case, and he told me he was an expert witness for 15 years.  He is one of only two people in the entire state with his credentials, so he is going to help me not kill my bosses anymore ~chuckles~.  Of course this will require medication, but he said I shouldn’t notice a thing, but everyone else around me will….heehee works for me!

I can’t believe how cool this psychologist is…it was like God saying OK I know your own your last straw and next thing will be shooting people in a federal building ~snickers~, so God sent him in my direction to quell the path of destruction I was set upon.  Well it’s a good thing because I really love my family and want to grow old with them even if doctors are telling me that won’t happen.

Bottom line is once my lawyer gets this information it may speed up my trial so that I can start getting my disability, and who knows?  Perhaps one day I can even go back to work ~cheers~.  If I did I would go back to pizza delivery.  People just don’t understand how much you can make at that job ~grins~.  It works out to roughly $14/hr.  And you get to drive in your car and listen to tunes, but that didn’t stop me from trying to kill a Supervisor of the corporation.  So technically I am still dangerous to assholes ~snickers~.

I have to go enroll my son into school today and get my passport finished up ~sighs~.  Man I feel like a chicken running around with my head cut off ~grins~.  It is not usual for me to have the car.  I am the little woman (or big hairy 365lb biker) who stays home and watches the kids and cleans the house.  And my boss (the wife) knows better than to piss me off ~chuckles~.  Not that I am a woman beater or anything like that.  I just make life unbearable for everyone around me.

So my life seems to be taking a swing for the better at this moment in time…

I went to the Heart Institute today and they said my heart is as strong as an ox’s.  They said it was probably heat cramps or acute angina, which means they don’t know what the hell caused my heart to cramp ~chuckles~.  It is almost like standardized testing ~chuckles~.  I had to do the treadmill with wires all over me.  I felt like Borg from Star Trek ~snickers~.  But it all came out good.  It sure hurt like a son of a bitch when it happened.  I thought for sure my heart was going to seize up, but it didn’t ~winks~.

Someone (don’t want to incriminate anyone) came by my house yesterday and gave me a couple grams of some really good bud.  It meant a lot too me, as I refuse to take painkillers or spinal blocks.  It is a spiritual choice.  My attitude is if God wants me he can just come and take me, instead of doing it piece by piece ~chuckles~.  There is no such thing as a routine surgery.  Things can happen on the table, and I have seen it happen all too well.  I don’t really like doctors and don’t trust hospitals.  They don’t care about you.  They just want your money!  There is no money in the cure, only in keeping us sick.

I haven’t had time to see what my friends are up too in the last couple days.  I will get to that tomorrow, so everyone write tonight ~chuckles~.  That is how I know to check my friend’s sites; when they comment on mine ~snickers~.

I spent all day at the hospital and then went to my mom and dad’s.  My mom was giving me some money for my Passport.  I need one anyways because they force you to have one to enter Canada now.  It is preparation for the Alaskan Cruise we will be taking next July ~beams~.  Now I get to see how the other half-lives ~grins~.

Malachi is at Silverwood all day (theme park).  They have a wave machine, roller coasters, etc.  He will probably come home hurt and sun burnt.

He asked me the question yesterday about what would I do if he smoked pot.  I told him that there is no way I can stop you, but I would be sad if you followed my path.  I always tell him there is a time and place for all sin, and that place is college!  I don’t think he’d do it.

I can understand why people want to escape…we live in a world of shit.  Turn on the news and apparently everyday is one day closer to the holocaust ~smiles~.  He goes to church and they tell him it is the end of times.  Why the fuck would anyone want to be in this world? Unless to make it a better place.  That is all one can do, and you can’t do that while on hard drugs.

There is a myth in our society that states if you smoke Marijuana you will be opening a gateway to other drugs.  I know why that is true for me.  When I was growing up I was told that Marijuana was the devil.  It would suck out your life and make you a murderer or crazy, so when I first smoked it (at 13 the US Marines got me high) and laughed my ass off I knew that all the people I loved and believed had lied too me…the government had lied to me, my parents had lied too me, so I tried other drugs thinking that was part of the lie as well, unfortunately it wasn’t.  Some drugs will take your soul and your dignity away, and all you have to do is try it once.  If people were more honest with their children like I am then they would believe what was said to them.  So seeing what was done wrong in my upbringing allows me to hopefully nip that in the bud with my children.  Kids are not stupid and they know those government-funded promo’s are a joke.  I hear them laughing at them all the time.  Do some people become lifeless veggies when addicted to pot…yes they do, but some people like to get drunk and drive autos too…If I had my choice I would prefer the veggie on the couch, because at least the veggie isn’t killing someone else, or causing mischief like teachers. ~Chuckles~ I guess if I had too I could stop smoking pot and get on painkillers again ~smirks~ since that seems to be so socially acceptable.  The problem with them is you always need more and more and more and more!!!  OK you get the point ~chuckles~

Anyways I hope this finds you all well ~smiles~…

I went to “GameSpot” today to look at reviews for “Knights of the Old Republic II”.  I noticed their reviews really suck and that they categorize their games way too high.  They rated “Knights of the Old Republic II” as a 9.1 ~smirks~, so I go to write a review to tell them they are idiots and you can’t even write a review without paying to join their site ~snickers~.  That would explain why no one knows what the hell they are doing when it comes to game testing.  Being a BETA game tester for many companies I found this to be very silly indeed!

Smart people like me who play games all the time aren’t going to pay money for the privilege of hearing ourselves speak, hell I can do that on my blog ~laughs~.  So, basically they have a bunch of morons as paying customers.  Probably young kids and teenagers who wouldn’t know a good game if they played one ~grins~.

Since they wouldn’t let me write my review on their site I will write here.  I give the game KOTOR  II a 6.5 out of 10, which is fairly good all things considering, but there were several problems with the game.

The game was very top heavy, meaning that you didn’t get any good gear until the game was damn near over.  I mean you could cheat, but that doesn’t make the game any fun for me.  Near the end of the game you have no control over where you go and can no longer use certain systems in the game that you could before you were put into a forced direction.  They should have given you better gear in the middle of the game so that you could enjoy it more.

The next problem is they gave you way too much junk.  By the second planet I had 140,000+ credits and the best damn gear I could make from the “Workbench” and the “Lab Station”.  The game did not make the struggle hard enough and the wealth was far too great!

Another problem was the “Lightsaber”.  You got it too late in the game, if you are a Jedi already then you should have it earlier, regardless of the lame storyline.  I know you can cheat and get it faster but that is a hallow victory, perhaps that is what our gaming community has turned into.  A bunch of cheaters!

There were many unexplained movies tracks and plots that were broken.  And many that played no significance to the actually plot line.  They game seemed scattered and broken in several areas.  I played it 13 times with various classes, races and sexes.

The ending lacked any explosiveness and by the time I got to the last three major mob bosses they were so easy I was disappointed.  I remember what a pain in the ass it was to kill Malak in KOTOR 1.  This was a joke, especially with the final power you get on the evil side “Force Crush”.  There was no way Darth Traya or Sion could stop you.  Even with good power “Enlightenment” it was still relatively easy to defeat both of them.

So it is my belief that “GameSpot” only hurts their paying customers by not allowing intelligent reviews by people who aren’t willing to waste money to do more writings ~snickers~.  In some places this could be considered work and I should be getting paid for it ~winks~.

OK, now for the good points.  The graphics although sticky at times were great, as were the character interactions.  People fell in love and people hated.  It was believable and much more intimate than KOTOR I.

The playability of the game lasts forever.  There are so many pivotal points that can change the game, as well as different characters altogether depending on your alignment or sex, after 13 games I was till finding new articles, gems and dialogue.  I sure as hell got my playability money out of it.  The only game I know that had better playability was Morrowind III.

I am sure there is more I could critique, but any thoughts escape me at this moment…

I was apprehensive about going to my psychologist appointment today.  My fears have been confirmed.  I got good news and bad news.  I have a severe case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I have no brain damage from the decades of shooting Methamphetamines and partying.

The guy was totally cool though, he is in his 60’s and snowboards, and mountain climbs.  He was a flower child in the 60’s so he has no problem with Marijuana.  The last quack I went too told me he wouldn’t see me without drug treatment first.  What a fucking quack!  He seemed like a stuffy know – it – all psychologist anyways.

This guy is so cool.  I talked too him like he was one of my best friends for years.  That is unusual since I don’t generally like anyone off the bat unless we share many similar numerators ~smiles~.

I was prescribed medicine, which may or may not help.

I can’t help from going through my mind about Guam.  It calls to me harder than anything I have ever known. Something tells me that if I went back there I could possibly live another twenty years.  Guam is where my life started going to the dark side, but it was like being Satan while living in Heaven ~chuckles~.  My plan is to go there when I get my disability get a house or something, then work my way up to master dive instructor, then who knows perhaps Australia or New Zealand.  There are so many places I want to go and have never been.

I have always wanted to be marine biologists, and now there are so many fields within biology that don’t require degrees, just certifications.  So I will start by taking my son Malachi snorkeling in the rivers of Washington and Idaho.  Unfortunately the water here is very cold even in the summer.  I have some fins already I just need a mask…a buoyancy compensator would be nice because of the deadly river current in the Spokane River.  Them things probably cost an arm and a leg now ~chuckles~.  I remember I bought a nice one back in 1977 and it was like $120…makes me wish I never stole my gear from my dad and sold it ~sighs~  Some of things I did in my youth still piss me off today.

I figure I am too old to be a marine biologist, nor do I have the money for school ~chuckles~ but there seems to be a huge tourism trade in the pacific and if I could get in on that it would be my calling.  It sucks to that I am 41 and now I know what I want to be when I grow up, so now I just have to find a way to make it happen.  And where there is a will there is a way.  I realize that school would be hard on Malachi because he is not a fighter and Guamanian kids can be quite mean and ruthless to white folk, but I earned a lot of respect from them because I always fought back.

My mom and dad never believed in kill holly day, or about the pressures of going to a Guamanian public school.  If I wasn’t fighting I was getting my ass paddled for fighting.  They loved me because I always fought back, and after a while they just got tired of getting bruises.  I took Judo and Taekwando while living in Guam.  One of our neighbors was a assistant sensi of a dojo on the Naval Base.

I also feel that I am being called to Guam to protect my family from the Apocolypse.  Even though Guam is a major drydock for Nuclear Class Submarines ~chuckles~, and ships on WESTPAC are always stopping there for a day or two.  So I may be disillusioned about that part, or perhaps it will be one of the first places taken out, either way I won’t feel a thing, nor will I have to worry about nuclear fallout and slowly dying while my skin and hair fall off ~sighs~.  Perhaps it would be better to be right under the nuke? ~smiles~.  Far less painful I would think.

I have often talked in my blogs about missing the ocean.  I don’t know how my dad does it living in Spokane and Yuma, AZ, both these places are 6 hours away from the beach, if not more.  There is just something beautiful and mystical about the ocean, especially a tropical one.

The temperature on Guam year around is about 80-90 degrees and the humidity is like breathing water.  It takes a few months to get acclimated to the balmy wet heat.  I want to share with my son the things I did and the places I went as a child.  I am still spinning the idea around in my head as the Universal Fabric speaks to me in its mysterious ways.

The bottom line is that if I continue living in this cold climate my life will only last another year or so.  The doctor keeps telling me it could be any day.  Sometimes that scares the shit out of me, perhaps he does it for that reason.

Back to the Psychologist; He said he might be able to convince my doctor to do a Gastric- Bypass, which I would gladly do, but first I want to check out the forums.  I don’t want to do something where my compulsive eating habits will just stretch out again and I think my primary doctor has those same concerns and that is why he is weary of doing it.  Plus he said for someone in my condition that it is a very dangerous operation and the chance of something going wrong while under anesthesia would be fairly high.  I don’t know I spin around and check out some pro’s and cons….I know if I lost a lot of weight I could backpack, hike, etc.  It’s been two years since I have done anything like that.  My doctor has told me no exercise because I hurt my heart and until I spend a couple days at the heart institute doing stress studies, only once I get the green light.  I feel like they killing me and making me sicker!

Anyways, that is extent of my thoughts for the day….

I had to get more blood work done today.  I am so sick of people sticking me with needles and lame ass doctors who don’t know shit.

Our medical system in America is ranked last in the free world and the most expensive.  We are told that HMO’s and insurance companies bilking them out of billions every year have nothing to do with rising prices.

What really pisses me off is these fucking moronic doctors.  I swear all these guys do is party at frat houses and they just shove them out into the public, so they go from partying to killing people with ignorance ~sighs~.  A doctor is not different than an old school backyard auto mechanic..they are just guessing and proof of that is the number of people who die each year because of misdiagnosis, pure stupidity and apathy.

I got into it at the Rockwood Clinic today because I am tired of incompetence in the medical field.

My daughter and I have an incurable condition that causes extremely painful boils and lesions.  Long-term antibiotics keep the crap away for a year or so.  But trying to get a doctor to listen to me is like pulling teeth!  It’s my fucking body dumbasses, if I tell you that something works you better believe me because next time I am just going to sock you in the fucking face.  What do they think that they hold the greater wisdom over my body because they have a piece of paper?!  Quacks. You’re all fucking quacks!!!  Without the antibiotics the infection will grow until it kills the person.  I personally don’t care whether I live or die, but you fuck around with my kid’s life and I am going to pummel you!  If unchecked without antibiotics you eventually get them all over your body and under your arms, on your privates, breast and just about anywhere else it wants to sprout up.

What really pisses me off about this whole thing is that I took my daughter to the doctor two weeks ago and told them what she needed.  So what did they do?  They gave her some topical cream.  So they ripped me off for $40 basically and today they are going to ram me up the ass with another $40 ~sighs~.  And they wonder why people walk into places with guns blazing, because some people just can’t handle the stupidity. hypocrisy, incompetence, and greed of certain institutions.

And if my writings have been a little dark lately all I can say is:  Why don’t you live in excruciating pain and have it not affect you in some way.  I have no Marijuana and I won’t take painkillers so basically I am a tyrant in the making.  I don’t want to be but I lose sight of my enlightened normal self when living in pain day in and day out.  Then some fucking dumbass doctor tells me there is nothing they can do for me as they shove me in and out of their offices in 10 minutes ~sighs~.

A main problem with out medical system is doctors get tens of thousands of dollars to only prescribe certain medications.  A lot of these doctors are low enough to trade in someone’s actual treatment for a paycheck ~growls~.  This is the same as lobbying.  It is a bribe and nothing else, so you lame ass doctors just keep justifying your illusions.

Another problem is they keep trying to double bill me all the time.  Good thing I pay through bankpay so I can follow and track confirmation numbers.  It funny how when they want their money they can just make a call and ruin your credit, but when they owe you it takes months to get the money back.  Our fucking healthcare system needs a serious enema along with most of America!…

Our new grow room is completed finally and we have four strong mothers.  We literally had to reveg them from bud ~chuckles~.  They got some weird ass leaves on them now from the stress.  They look more like Poison Oak leaves than Sativa ~chuckles~.  And we started a bunch of Nebula and Northern Lights from seed.  So in a few months we will have our medicine ~sighs~.

He is convinced his wife has changed.  I keep telling him remember why everything got fucked up in the first place.  She is probably getting insurance for him and going to make him have a little accident ~shrugs~.  I don’t trust her at all.  She will have to do a lot of proving for me to believe she has changed.  It has been my experience that people rarely just change overnight ~grins~.  Not saying it hasn’t been done, but it is very rare.  Most people don’t even have the will to achieve such an ends.  I told him we’d see how she is doing in six months.  At least now Art is getting a blowjob and sex everyday ~grins~.

My mom and dad came over yesterday and brought some Papa Murphy’s over for dinner.  My wife made a light cake and we put Bananas and Strawberries on it.  My dad even had a couple glasses of beer with me.  He use to love beer but now he doesn’t drink it too much.  I am sure it is because it is a pain in the ass to piss a lot, and beer has a habit of pushing out the water ~chuckles~.  I was in a lot of pain yesterday and didn’t get any sleep the night before…I didn’t know if I would be all right for visiting with anyone but it worked out all right.  I just kept bringing up hateful dialog ~chuckles~.  Ahhh isn’t pain great!!!

I am in the doghouse because I am an idiot I guess ~chuckles~.  I broke a cardinal rule in marriage.  Never try and help your wife lose weight.  It will only end up in a fight, even though she wanted me to help ~sighs~.  I should have known better ~grins~.  Today after church I asked her what she learned and she told me on how to be humble and polite even while being persecuted.  Well that lasted about five minutes then everything I did after that wrong and I know why ~grins~ and she doesn’t.  Well she can do it on her own now because I am not saying another fucking word about it!

I need to get my passport.  They are good for ten years, so I can leave the country whenever I want.

I have been thinking about going to Guam.  I would go over there first and get some kind of work.  Not that you need to work.  You can live off the land there are wild animals, fish, mangos, coconuts, papaya, etc.  They have these huge snails too that the Japanese brought over from WWII incase they were forced into the jungle to live.  I know that I went back to Guam I could reverse my health by living in nature or around the natural forces, but I have no way to get back there at this time so I will continue to deteriate ~sighs~.  Oh well I guess I can go there after I die ~smiles~…

Life sucks today.  I am in so much pain and I have no Marijuana and I don’t know when I will be able to afford anymore.  Our grow room won’t be pushing any out for another four months and I am sure something else will fuck it up so that we cannot continue providing ourselves with a necessary medicine.  One that won’t kill you like Vioxx almost did my father because some fat rich fuck didn’t want to lose his job…I hope that fucker goes to hell in a rollercoaster!

I have one thing to say to all you right-wingers out there “Fuck You!”  Now go educate your stupid dumb half illiterate asses on the truth.  Since the government of America won’t allow any true testing of Marijuana, many European Universities have had to do objective studies.

Marijuana is proven affective against pain, however the “Right” thinks we just want to get high, perhaps we do but that does not take away from the medicinal properties, religious freedoms and the right to do whatever the fuck I want because I am an American.  And after all, that is the bullshit we feed third world countries that think America is “Heaven.”   Well I guess in a sense it is, if you get you visas card and a work permit the American government will give you free housing, transportation, free medical, food stamps and education, but the people of America like myself who have been working for 25 years can’t get fucking shit!!!  We are too busy paying for everyone else’s program.  We are the broken backs of a working nation that seemingly helps immigrants on the backs of the American workers.  I don’t blame the immigrants for wanting to get the hell out of their war torn countries.  I blame an apathetic government that only agrees on issues when it pertains to incumbency and raises for themselves.

My family is suffering and we can’t get any help.  I have to pay for a damn lawyer even though my doctor has told me to be on permanent bed rest…this is just fucking ludicrous ~sighs~  Ok let me get back on track here…

Marijuana has been proven to stop Alzheimer’s, as well as certain cancers.  A fifteen-year clinical study was just done and found that Marijuana has no relation to lung cancer.  Nitrates, ammonias and other poisonous chemical that they put in American cigarettes to keep the public addicted and buying their product cause most lung cancer.  And like most Americans they have neither the will or desire to stop something harmful to them ~chuckles in irony~. In actuality the clinical study showed that Marijuana actually reduces the possibility of lung cancer by killing off weakened cells subject to the creation of cancer.

Marijuana has been found to halt and kill cancerous cells.

This brings me to the implication that I am about to spew forth in a raging tangent!

If the public understands the true potential for Marijuana it will annihilate billions from the pharmaceutical companies and they just can’t have that, so they spend billions of dollar bribing senators, congressmen, etc.  They call it lobbying, but the truth is if you give someone three hundred thousand dollars in a Cayman Bank Account that is a BRIBE!!!  Another fear of our “Right wing supremacy/dictatorship” is that everyone will start smoking Marijuana and realize the important things in life are family and friends.  I mean other than shelter, food and water what does one need.  America lives in an illusion of fear and consumption.  Be afraid, stay in your house unless you are going to Wal-Mart or shopping online.  If everyone realized the spirituality, medicinal and mellowing affect of Marijuana the industry that is America would crumble and fall apart.  People would become proactive and rise against the hypocrisy of our present (and most) administrations.

I am sick, in pain and practically suicidal right now, but does anyone fucking give a shit accept the people who have to watch me crying in the fetal position while lying on my bed in the darkness?!  No they don’t and there sure aren’t any politicians (save Libertarians) that even give a shit about our plights.  Every year tens of thousands of cancer and other terminal/chronic patients are thrown in jail/prison to die in a cold cell for having their personal opinions of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness!!!

Several billion dollars were allocated to wipe out cocaine, but I can still get cocaine in ten minutes if I wanted it and it has always been that way!  That several billion dollars could have been used to help the starving or other deficiencies we have in our world.

An average of 700,000 peoples lives are ruined every year for harmless non-criminal Marijuana convictions.  With the Higher Education Act stating anyone who gets busted can’t receive financial aid.  This act is totally unfair because it doesn’t keep elite rich moronic C- students Like George W. Bush from getting top-notch educations at the finest schools.  It only affects the poor!  They are creating another race of “WORKING SLAVES” (no offense to my brothers and sisters out there).  Soon we shall have our McDonald’s employees so that the rich elite can have their hamburgers and continue to live the plush life far from reality!

I wish I had it in me to erase this entire race of humanity, if it wasn’t for the fact that there are still some beautiful and enlightened people out there I would have strapped a nuke to my back and taken out Los Angeles or perhaps the San Diego Naval Docks…boy that would make me famous forever huh?  Well if there is anyone with a nuclear weapon out there that can fit in a backpack let me know! ~snickers~.  I would like to drop it on congress while every single delegate is present!!!  Not that I would but something radical has to be done to resolve and fix this fiasco of dictators and delegates who could care less about their own constituents!  If the Bush Administration and Israel can blow up the twin towers in the name of collateral damage then I should be able too as well.

Besides, what gives a government the right to declare a separation of murder during war, but when you come home from war you have to live by societies standards…why does someone decide for us what is murder and what isn’t?  We are sheep wake the fuck up people!  We should all be equal, even the great spiritualists and messiahs of every benign religion have stated that in their God’s doctrines, but still we let others rule us and tell us when to die while their children are safe from war and living the HIGH LIFE!!!

Anyways thanks for reading all my diatribe rhetorical shit…hopefully I will die soon or the CIA will come and make me a patsy for whatever devious crimes they have planned for us in the near future ~sighs~…

Yesterday I took Mariah swimming at the pool.  She was swimming really well.  We were going to leave and she had to use the bathroom, so I shewed her into the little girls bathroom and told her to meet me out front.  Well about five minutes later this ole gal tells me she is back in the pool, so I walk around back just in time to see her going in over her head ~chuckles~.  The lifeguard asked me if she could swim and I told her no.  We both stood there for a second and then with fear Mariah said “Daddy I can’t blub blub blub”.  The lifeguard jumped in and grabbed her.  I was right there and could have done it too but she was already undressed.

Everyone acts like I should have been more concerned.  This bothers me, because I live in a world of fake emotions and better than thou attitudes of the American Façade.  There was no reason to be concerned.  She was well taken care of, now had I been a few minutes late the lifeguards still would have got her ~smiles~.  Why show concern for something that doesn’t need it.  Lots of people do that here in America just to put on a persona of a caring human being ~chuckles~, and some probably just wear their emotions on their sleeves.

One must understand my daughter first, she is very much like her dad (me) from what my mom says.  No fear!  This can be a very unhealthy thing in some aspects and lifestyles for us risk takers.  I had to let her get the fear before she could be saved.  If she had not gotten that fear then what would happen someday at an unguarded beach if I looked away for a minute or accidentally fell asleep, or who knows what else can happen.  But with fear comes the taming.  Fear will make you think twice about doing something that really scared the crap out of you.  If I had jumped in right away or sent the lifeguard in right away nothing would have been accomplished.  She would have lived thinking that someone will always be there for her, and that is simply not a truth I wish to convey to my child.  Sometimes one can be in a mall with thousands of people and feel desperately alone, however that is a tad different.  There is a fine line between feeling loved and isolation.

I remember when she was 2 years old and wanted to ride this giant tire swing.  This thing goes up at least 20 feet in the air, luckily she was very low when she let go of the swing.  Why did she let go of the swing?  When I was 3 or 4 I dived off of an 8 foot slide onto my head (which might explain some things ~snickers~) onto concrete.  However this did not stop her she got right back on and has never fallen off again.  There is a fine line between fear that doesn’t exist and a healthy fear of the realities of life.  Now my daughter knows not to be in the water without her daddy, or someone else that loves her and will watch her.

My brother and I use to go free hand rock climbing drunk ~grins~.  Several times we almost fell hundreds of feet to our deaths, but that did not stop us from doing it.  It was real funny too watching mountain climbers with all their gear.  How safe is that?  If one is not in the face of death or facing fear head on, then one just isn’t living!  Once when I almost fell (and almost shit my pants) I was more alive at that moment then I have ever been on a daily basis.  Back in my Para-military days sometimes in the middle of the night if the moon was right shots would fire out everywhere.  It was really scary if someone saw you before you saw them ~chuckles~.  I remember hitting the dirt as automatic and semi-automatic fire came whizzing by my face and over my head.  I was never more alive then when I was facing death and uncertainty.  Lying in the dirt with scorpions and venomous snakes while dodging gunfire and having to look up to find the muzzle flash so that I could reposition myself and fire back.  Even decades later when I stopped shooting Meth I realized it wasn’t the Meth that I loved.  It was being in those surrounding where death was a daily part of life and at any second my life could end, never was I more alive.

Today, I am old and fat ~chuckles~.  I prefer watching other peoples perils and triumphs, even though my PTSD keeps me on full time alert at all times.  It has never shut off.  The doctors say it is because of war, or heinous crimes that force the conscious to never slow down.  I have no desire to die even though I am terminal and dying at the moment, now I can do it from the comfort of my own home and never be so much alive.  Impending doom causes great in-depth retrospection of one’s life and one’s achievements.  I know that I am Buddshittva(for lack of a better word) and God of the future and in retrospection of my life only knows the reasons that I come down here.

I got some of Dave's Insanity yesterday.  I put 3 little drops on my Fajitas and almost threw them back up.  It was so hot I was almost crying.  I could feel the water being sucked out of my lips, and today sure enough they are chapped.  I have finally found a sauce worthy of my palette for hot food.  Not only is it hot, but it actually has great flavor ~grins~.

Anyways, something funny happened this morning….I was in on my computer talking to one of my friends in India when my daughter Mariah was giggling from inside her “Barbie Palace Tent Bed” and I noticed she was asleep.  I asked her what she was laughing about in her sleep.  She said she had a dream that her older brother Malachi was tap dancing in his underwear ~falls off his chair laughing~  You’d have to know my boy to get it perhaps but believe me when I say that would be a funny ass sight to behold. ~grins~…

I don’t know how many of you live on a budget and how many wing it?  I hate winging it.  I like everything to be uniform and perfect, especially with the all evil entity of money, but today I screwed up again ~sighs~.  My wife however is the exact opposite…a dollar here a dollar there…hmmm it adds up real quick, not that I am completely guilt free.  I have done those things in the past but strive to better my situation, especially since I was diagnosed terminal.

Last time I went to Sonnenberg’s to get some meat I bought a roast and didn’t specify the type I wanted to they gave me their best, of course.  It was a $15+ roast.  Arghh!  I was so mad at myself for not checking on it.  Today I go to buy meat at Sonnenberg’s and I get four petite boneless “Rib-Eye” (best cut of steak in the world), first off I really don’t need four because Mariah is not going to eat no 16 oz of steak ~sighs~.  Anyways I had a $40 budget for meat and it came out to be $64 ~sighs~.  The steaks that are normally $5.99/lb went up a buck a pound so the steaks came out to $32 by themselves ~sighs while slapping his forehead~.  I didn’t even think to ask how much a pound it was, because if I did I would have said NO WAY!  Oh well I guess we’ll invite Julie’s brother and his girlfriend over for steak before our Summer ends.  I would invite my mom and dad but steak is a pain in the ass for my dad to chew since the stroke.

I hate money so much.  It is pathetic that we don’t all just help each other like the days of ole when we bartered and traded goods.  The only people this economic situation helps is rich people who own fucking everything in the world.  Could you imagine if everyone just started helping each other and how much power the rich would lose when their money became nothing but fire kindling?  Money is a love – hate relationship for me.  I hate the abuse, rights and power money gives individuals or corporations.  If your rich you can molest children or kill your wife and you won’t see a single minute in the prison system, but if your poor and get caught smoking crack or pot you can spend the next 6 months to 5 years in prison…Something is way wrong with that analogy, especially since it is relatively accurate!

That would be so awesome to watch rich people wash their own cars, fix their own meals, etc.  Not that all rich people are demons, but a majority of the wealthy elite are…if you think 8mm and Syriana are just movies that someone invented you would be fooling yourselves yet again ~sighs~.  With all the wealth that is in the world everyone could have medical coverage, fishing boats, motor homes, etc.  but it’s not about sharing and happiness is it?  It’s about power, prestige and social ranking!  Even the middle class morons of America fall neatly into the trap.

The middle class gets by with just enough to make them not want to rock the boat.  The ancestors of our economy were brilliant when they created the middle class “buffer” as it is elegantly called in bar room political forums around the world.  Generally speaking the middle class is never happy….because someone always has a socially perceived better car, wife, yard, kids, etc.  And the majority of them seemingly live at the brink of their credit so that when a corporation downsizes or eliminates a job completely they are left screwed.  Some are smart enough to save however and quite frugal with their finances.  The middle class hurts this society more than it knows.  It is the great enabler to the rich elite.  From small cruelties greater ones are formed as that perception echoes across the world, universe, etc. 

When I was growing up everyone knew everyone.  Sometimes we’d have block parties and I never went anywhere without my parents checking out the parents of the other kids….do you even know where you fucking kids are right now?  Today I see so many people caught up in their own selfish obsessions, whether it be reading the paper, working on the computer, watching the idiot box (TV).  They just give their kids everything they want without lessons or values.  It is no wonder our country leads the world in murder, especially with handguns.  It is like Billy Joes said in a song, “One day we’ll all wake up on our own spot.”  Do you even know or care to know your neighbors?  My oh my, how things have changed and not for the better.

I wish I could live in Canada or Amsterdam where people are truly free and everyone is taken care of by their government, instead of having capitalism rip off and leech every corrupt dollar it can from it’s constituents.  Not too mention I could smoke all the pot I want and not have to worry about getting sent to jail with a terminal disease.  My government, which is owned by the rich, makes me want to throw up.  Because I don’t know if you remember reading this in school, but the government is suppose to work for the people ~sighs~.  Apathy sucks!  America is Apathy!

I am a voter, but I don’t believe voting matters anymore.  Are there no decent human beings left to run our country, shall we continue this decline of America (which reminds me much of Rome in it’s decline) paid for by lobbyists corporations.  Lobbying is a bribe and should be a prison sentence.  If I try and give a cop $20 bucks to see things my way I go to jail for Bribery, but when huge capitolistic companies do it, it is called lobbying.

I find it hard that anyone in America can even understand the core value of a single principle, because it is so diluted with consumer whorism and disillusioned with false claims to prestige and power that most the idiotic world idly stand by and lets it happen.

Do you ever wonder why America is the only country in the world that doesn’t have terrorist infighting?  That is because the middle class is a buffer between the majority of poverty and the 1% of the elite.  Not too mention the spiritual ramifications whether consciously or unconsciously.  We don’t fight our government because we get just enough to get by for the most part.  Yeah yeah yeah we are better than 82% of the rest of the world, however I would imagine spiritually we are probably the exact opposite, so go to Wal-Mart and sell your soul so that some starving family in China can have their handful of Rice for working an 18 hour day.  Christianity in general can’t be considered spirituality.  It is a dry well for most, especially when they can’t follow the dictates of their own book of directions (The Bible).

Every single human being will have to answer for every betrayal, lie, perversion, etc.  But those who will pay the most are the “too busy middle class souls” who live in apathy and desensitization of everything around them, for turning away from the pain instead of facing it head on and trying to alleviate it from our existence.  The world is truly a simple place and even though the vast majority of the world no longer can see the ethereal world or understand it’s intricacies, and has created an illusional glass house.  The truth is all we need to do is take care of our tribes!  (Family and extended family/friends)….

Life is going so good right now I am almost incapacitated with fear.  I guess I am one of those people who understand that life is suffering, so when I am not suffering (whether self inflicted or not) and things are going good all I can think about is who is going to die now?  Or when am I or someone I love going to be in serious critical condition?  It has been this way my whole life, even before I was awakened by RAMA and God (for lack of a better comparison).  I was awakened by RAMA when I was 18.  After several long years of eating hallucinogenics and seeking out the Primus.  I lived in darkness doing the “Dark Lord’s” work until the age of 30 when the Primus/God(s) awoke me from my dark slumber.

My life has always been strife.  Not that I had a terrible childhood, even though we did live in some scary places as a kid.  Nothing ever made since to me as a child.  All I could see was hypocricy and abusive authority.  I watched my brother get me in trouble just by crying, even though I did nothing wrong, but none the less I would have to take the verbal and mental wrath.  Things that scarred me for years were things my brother did to torment me.  Like telling me he was the “real one” and I was the unwanted one.  It caused me to be viscious to him.  Once I threw a toy fire engine in front of him and made him eat shit good ~grins~.  One time I tried to push him over in the street, unfortunately that time there was a cop watching, so I got in trouble ~snickers~.

I am a firm believer in accountability today and have been since I was awakened.  I am accountable for the physical, mental, spiritual and social aspects of my children.  My children are the products of my love, attention, reactions and disciplines I place on them.  Parents can screw up their kids so bad without even thinking about it.  I mean we just go through life dealing with our emotions as best we can.  A mother lion will bite a cub to let it know that she is not in the mood to play, so we are not so different socially than other animals.  The problem stems from our ability to screw up nature and the natural order we humans were suppose to follow, but somewhere the evil ones won the war and now we are all trapped in this society of false values and materialisms.  Sure they have made life very convenient, but at what price?

We had a very nice discussion about God(s) and the mysteries of human nature while having dinner at my folks house.  I miss the talks my father and I use to have, even if he did piss me off sometimes ~chuckles~.  It is because he is so intelligent and he loves a debate and understands the debate process, but sometimes I just want someone to agree with me. ~chuckles~, but I also miss the debate, because without opposing viewpoints or information how can one achieve the balance of the “Yin – Yang”?  Between two lies, lies the truth. ~winks~.

Another reason I liked debating with my father and brother is because they knew the ettiquette of debate and we were taught that at a young age, but at my wife’s family’s house everyone just talks over each other and talks at each other.  It is chaos, other than Matthew I don’t even bother trying to converse with them about anything important because they already know everything ~grins~.  Don’t get me wrong they are beautiful people and quite cordial.  They are just socially retarted when it comes to deep discussions or debate.  They are simple people, sometimes I wish I was.  It could have made my life much easier ~smiles~.

Anyways, we went over there for dinner and my mom and dad said they were going to sell us their 2003 Venture for the trade in price, which is much lower than the NADA book listing by a few thousand dollars.  They said we could have it for $100/month or whatever till it’s paid off.  At first I said we are too strapped (which we are till I get disability), but I figure we can give them something and then pay a chunk of it off with our tax money next year.  At any rate that is very nice because since we lost the Neon SXT we have had to do everything in our little 3 cylinder Geo ~chuckles~.  We haven’t been able to go camping or anything the last two or three years, either because of my illness (which can last for months), lack of room, and/or lack of money.  With a mini-van that seats 9 and has a built in babyseat/booster chair for Mariah.  One can easily take out the back seat and have tons of storage space for camping ~smiles~, fishing or whatever else we want.

And to top that off they paid the deposit on our Alaskan Cruise Ship, so if I’m alive next July I am going to see Alaska.  Something I have always wanted to do but never had the money or ambition to do it on my own, so this will probably create some incentive.

I had a friend one time, well he was actually my pot dealer.  He had this girlfriend for years and they bought a house together.  They went on a cruise and loved it so much they quit selling pot and started saving money for cruises ~smiles~.  An echo in the force moving outward creating good things for all it touches.  Anything is possible.

I have never been much of an optimist.  I learned from my Grandpa Aguirre early on in life that being a pessimist was the way to go, because if it worked out in that train of thought then you expected it anyways and could only be happy if it didn’t come out as perceived.  An optimist always looks at the bright side and end up psychotic later on in life wondering why things didn’t turn out right.  Since that time I have become a realist, which is a probability that a scenario will play out a certain way, but if it doesn’t there is not much love loss because either way you were looking at it realistically.

I don’t know if anything explains why I am fearful when good things happen too me, but I sure feel better now that I wrote it down.  Because now it will either become a reality or a baseless fear FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real.  I always liked that cliché ~smiles~.  Because most things that I have feared were trips in the future that never even came to fruitition.  If I fear for the future then I am not one with the Primus, perhaps then anxiety would be a better word, or anticipation ~shrugs~.  But my fears are not baseless.  They are fears based on a continuing cycle that is my life ~smiles~.  Life is suffering and it is a rollercoaster with no apparent direction or reason behind its actions, unbeknownst to us.

Since I was feeling broken, I thought I would play a song of the day.  This new MSN Live shit is really irritating me, but I am getting it down.  It is really hard on older computers like mine.  I am still running an old 733 Coppermine from 2001 ~chuckles~.  I have a 3.2GHz sitting in the closet but money has been tight, so it sits there probably until it is obsolete ~chuckles~…..

Black Sabbath

Paranoid

Finished with my woman 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind
People think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time

All day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy,
Think I'll lose my mind if I don't find something to pacify

Can you help me occupy my brain?
Oh yeah

I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find,
I can't see the things that make true happiness, I must be blind

Make a joke and I will sigh and you will laugh and I will cry
Happiness I can not feel and love to me is so unreal

And so as you hear these words telling you now of my state
I tell you to enjoy life, I wish I could but (it's/I'm) too late

Everything is going good ~knocks on wood~.

I was just reading a killer article in High Times about the guy who got Prop 215 passed ten years ago in San Francisco.  He is much like me.  He has AIDS…he has no qualms about telling you what a dumbass he was for having gay sex without protection, which leads me to a point, although it might take some imagination on your end to see it ~chuckles~.  The only difference from him and I is my AIDS is not viral but has the same end.  One’s immunity system shuts down creating tons of white blood cells, which attack one’s own body.

He was supposed to be dead years ago from “Wasting Syndrome” I too had wasting syndrome too and lost 40+ pounds in 2 months.  I have since then gained weight and am back up to my 360 pounds, which I have maintained since I quit shooting Meth over a decade ago.  I use to never get above 180 while on Meth, but the Meth is why I am dying today.  Because I sped up my system for so long, now it just shuts down.  The point is without Marijuana I would die, and I should have been dead last year.  My wife Julie says I am too ornery to die ~snickers~.  There may be some truth to that.

When I run out of Marijuana (which doesn’t happen often) first the pain sets in, then the pain gets so bad that I puke, pass-out, and it makes me a tyrant and very unspiritual.  I have been working on that aspect for a few years now and have had a pretty good degree of success, instead of throwing myself into the crowd like I use to.   I just stay in a dark place and suffer by myself ~smiles wearily~

I also read yesterday that after 15 years of clinical studies that scientists can find no link to cancer from Marijuana smoking, and they added that Marijuana might actually inhibit cancerous cells in the lungs.  They are finding Marijuana to be and anti-cancer agent because of its ability to kill off cancerous cells.  Anyways, I don’t believe that smoking natural tobacco would hurt you either, but with all the preservatives and actual chemicals to cause addiction in them they can cause cancer.  I have been a promoter of organic and non-preservative cigarettes.  I don’t smoke but harass those I love that do ~chuckles~.

Well the place we have our new grow room (medically authorized by the State of Washington, go WA!), now we might have to take that room down because an appraiser needs to measure and photograph the house for refinancing ~sighs~.  If its not one thing its another ~chuckles~.  I will get by.

So far everyone that has talked too me hates this new Spaces Live.  Microsoft is wonderful at making things big and bulky.  I do have some a tip for those with older and slower computers like mine ~chuckles~.

1)      Use your word processor (MS Word, Notepad, etc.) to write your comments on replies on, then cut and paste to the text box on the persons page.  I am a very fast typist and if I try and type in the text box it lags to far behind and causes problems, but not using my processor.]

Ok I guess that is the main one.  I was doing that with the old one too because it still got all cloggy and sluggish.  Some people have so much stuff on their site that it bogs down the older processors.

I am going to go have dinner with my mom and dad today at their house.  They paid the deposit on our Alaskan Cruise Ship for next July ~smiles~.  I think they are just doing it to keep me alive for another year.  You know, give me some incentive?  Just kidding mom ~winks~.  They are doing it because they have the money and love us, but unconsciously perhaps ~chuckles~.

I hope everyone is well, I am going to go see who has some new stuff on their site, so expect to see me ~smiles~

Yes Julie is my wife ~smiles~

If you want your friends list on your site you must go up to the customize tab and put that module in then hit save ~smiles~…

Boy did I piss my wife off yesterday.  I know this because she came home and threw her check card and checkbook at me.  And the thing I said to her was early at work, so she had all day to come up with a plan to wear the cloak of self-righteousness while denying her “Christ-Like” ways.

I haven’t worked in a year.  I am dying, but scarier still is that I have tried to kill my last two bosses.  My real fear is that I will kill the next boss that abuses his authority!  So, I am in the due processes of disability.  My physical limitations alone should win my case, but now they want me to go in for psychological testing because I admitted to my lawyer that I fear killing my next boss.  This diagnosis is called Explosive Reactive Behavior, since I tried to kill the last two.  It only makes sense.

Anyways, I told her that she has spent X amount of $$$$ on coffee, lunches, etc.  I told her she works hard and deserves some spending money when we have it.  I am tired of borrowing from rip off cash advance stores or borrowing money from parents.  I won’t borrow from my parents because that is how I was raised to make it on my own.  Her parents allow her to keep spending as she wants because there is an infinite credit line with her parents.  I have told her mother several times to not loan Julie any money, but they still do.  How will anyone ever be accountable when they are getting handouts and not hand ups?

My wife is really a beautiful person and almost always cordial, but when it comes to money she just stresses me out, and see stress is what is killing me, so she is basically killing me.  I get stressed, I get sick, I end up in the hospital with tubes stuck in my veins ~sighs~.  I have no doubt that she will come around once she sees the demon for what it is, until next time.

I am no angel and I like to spend about $10/week on beer.  Sometimes a bit more, sometimes a bit less depending on if I am going to a friend’s house or not.  I usually just get a couple “Arrogant Bastard Ales” or “St. Pauli Girls” which works out to around $10/week, so when I told her this I also included myself, perhaps I could cut back to $5/week in beer.  I understand it though, I have worked for the last 25 years and I know what it is like to work your ass off, pay bills and have nothing to show for it, but that is life!!!

I wish I could go live in the mountains, but I know my family would not go for that.  I would go up first and build a cabin and stock up on foods and water.  Then bring them up the following year.  We could pan for gold, sell animal skins.  We wouldn’t need much, just money for bullets or reloads.  I hate money and I think it only helps those who have it.

Michael Jackson for instance.  Everyone knows he molested them kids in their hearts, but he is free to do it again!  Why?  Because he is rich.

William Shatner killed his wife and never even got coverage on it.  Probably because he’s white.

O.J. Simpson, everyone knows he did it but he has money therefore he has rights.  Is there anything you can’t do when you are filthy rich?  No there isn’t.

This is what causes the psychology to bend and twist.  When you have no more dreams and you can fulfill every fantasy you ever had then you must find way to appease the brain.  The human brain needs stimulus and if you can do anything, and everything bores you then you need to find a rush in some twisted measure!

Money is just way to control people.  It is no better than religion, drug abuse, alcoholism, workaholism, etc.  It is just another way to lure people into a dream world so that they can no longer perceive reality.  I despise money and there is no reason for it.  We should all just work and have everything we ever needed.  This is possible, however the rich elite only cares about power, and in money they have great powers.  As long as people plod along doing as they do, being told how much they are worth…life will only get worse in the next few years.  And when the trap springs I will laugh at all the middle class people that I tried to warn, a sad laugh because all my prophecies came to fruitition….

This new MSN Live is crap ~chuckles~.  I hate change and this stupid thing is bigger, bulkier and slower than ever ~sighs~.

Life is good right now, and I shall live for today because tomorrow never comes ~grins~.

Listening to some ancient Black Sabbath and thinking of smoking a phat bowl of some BubbleBerry.  Perhaps that will help me with this new MSN Live mess ~chuckles~.

I have been playing a lot of “Knights of the Old Republic II”, well that and being ill..but I am feeling much better now, and the game froze up on me.  I have already beaten it ten times ~snickers~, but I keep finding new stuff in it.  There are several pivotal points in the game which means you can play the same game over and over and have different storylines and characters depending on how you play.

The playability is awesome if you’re a casual gamer.  I won it in a few days but that was being obsessive compulsive on it, however, if you’re a casual player the game will give you months of fun.  I played KOTOR I when it first came out on Xbox and enjoyed it thinking KOTOR II would follow the same lines, but that wasn’t the case.

The downside to the game that disappointed me is near the end you get some really good items that you can’t buy or find anywhere else, unfortunately your are almost done with the game.  They needed to put some high-grade belts and headgear in around the 13-15^th levels.  Also the game is top heavy, by the time you meet the villains you are so powerful that it only takes a couple spells to annihilate the biggest and badest mobs ~sighs~.  In KOTOR I this was not a problem as I remember Malak killing me several times before I learned how to defeat him, in KOTOR II the most powerful boss was too easily defeated.

Money and items came too quickly as well, with no really good items hardly coming at all.  I only saw the “Skill-D Package” once in the 10 games I played, and I only got the Technicians belt near the end of the game which was pretty @#$@#$@# useless.

Some people just shouldn’t be allowed to make RPG games ~grins~.

I still have to figure this stupid new MSN Live out, so I can change tunes and write to my friends J…

I spent a few hours trimming the water and trim leaves off my new batch of “Medical Marijuana.”  The last couple months have been rough and I have endured much pain and suffering, however I am feeling much better now ~smiles~.

Unfortunately the make shift grow room we made in a closet allowed light in; You need absolute darkness for 12 hours, any light what-so-ever will cause at least a 30% loss in yield.  I trimmed approximately thirteen plants and only got a smidge of what I could have yielded.

We have moved our grow room yet again, but I’m not telling anyone where ~snickers~.  Hey maybe the cops will read this, I sure love fucking with them ~chuckles~.  Yes, can you feel the ornery coming to fruitition? ~chuckles~.

I am alive and will catch up on everyone’s sights tomorrow…until them love, peace and buds!….