I AM

I got and email from change.org today talking about how we need to do stuff to change, but all I saw was more whoring for money!  No information on how to volunteer for any of the issues.  We just want your fucking money!!!  Now that’s change I can believe in ~sighs~.

You know what fucking change is!!!???

It’s looking at your neighbors yard down the street that looks like shit, then instead of telling everyone what a loser he is you go down and talk to him first!  You might find that he is crippled or very ill, then you would offer to help him with his yard so he doesn’t look like a meth addict!!!  Now that’s change!!!  Even if he wasn’t crippled and was a dirt bag perhaps people being nice to them could change them, and if not oh well never hurts to try!  I know a lot of prophets and saviors of various religions talked like that; Jesus said to do good to those who hate you and be kind to your enemies…because Jesus knew if they had any kind of conscious or soul at all the guilt would eventually change them, but any conflict gives one justification to perpetuate their existence…

All this presidential crap aside…it us the Americans who need to change at the core of our beings.  Most the Americans I know are shallow, self-centered (even the Christians) and prone to gossip!!!  Not that they aren’t good people, but are blinded by the perception of what reality is and what is really important ~smiles~.

How about this?  How about you all act fucking civil to each other and start helping each other or perhaps learning why a situation is the way it is, perhaps you will even make a new friend in the process.  If we don’t change at the core of our virtue (that most lack) then nothing is going to change EVER!  We will just run ourselves into the ground!  We will constantly find others to blame for our inability to accept blame for ourselves or step up to the plate!

How many times have you have seen someone on the street and thought something like; “Thank god I’m not that loser/person/etc”, “Oh what a scumbag drug addict”  Do you think people really want to be like that?!  No they are escapists from a world that sucks!!!  They obviously were not loved properly as children, which very few are now days!  We all have an addiction..EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US!!!  Perhaps your addiction is God/Religion and doing everything perfectly right by what you perceive to be God’s idealisms, perhaps you work too much and your family suffers for it, perhaps money is everything to you and without it you are a mean person and will do just about anything to get it, Perhaps martyrs is your drug of choice?  “Whoa is me and all that I do, and I get no appreciation for it”, perhaps it’s gambling, sex, drugs, etc.  We all have idiosyncrasies and addictions! ~smiles~

Maybe change would be actually spending 15-30 minutes a day with your fucking children just talking like I do instead of turning on the fucking boob tube, grabbing the paper and acting all exhausted from a hard days work sitting on your ass in an office all day ~sighs~  Oh I don’t have time for my kids I have very important stuff to do!  My self-centeredness and selfishness come before ALL!  Perhaps change would be stuffing that crap up your ass and actually doing what is right.

So often I see parents devaluing their small children by punishing them for breaking a material possession, so in essence to a child you just told them that material possessions are worth more than they are!  When my kids broke something I sat down and explained it too them and the value of money that we don’t have, and because I treated them like human beings they both excel in honors.  My daughter Mariah is already and overachiever at her school ~chuckles~.  But I’m the deadbeat dad who smokes pot ~snickers~.  I love it when some snooty fuck with a kid who gets C’s tries and talk shit about how I raise my kids and my pot smoking.  They usually leave flustered not understanding why I am happier and my children are more adjusted then there.  Well perhaps if you made your kids feel worthy instead of like some fucking debt or tax deduction they would appreciate you more and want to please you! ~smiles~

Change could be meditation so you can actually hear God instead of asking shit from him all the time!!!  Maybe if people listened instead of running around like chickens with their heads cut off all the time, they could finally understand what is truly important.  I guess I am fortunate in that terminal illnesses gave me a better view on life and made me understand true importance instead of the herd mentality of what they perceive to be importance! ~smiles~

Perhaps change for you is jumping out of your car to help someone stranded instead of just driving by them at 60mph while they are freezing in the cold, confused, angry and sad.  Maybe they don’t have or can’t afford a cell phone, perhaps the person you saw on the news last night that froze to death was a person you drove by as you told yourself “Ahh, they probably got a cell phone they’ll be fine”

If people truly want to change here in America they could actually start caring or at least acting like it instead of killing people and employees to save a few fucking dollars at Wal-Mart!  I am convinced the people who shop at Wal-Mart are going to spend everlasting life in the Hell not of their choosing!  We all know Wal-Mart has terrible issues with human treatment in China, so basically you sell your soul to save a few extra dollars ~grins~.

The “Devil” by whatever name you or your lame religions wish to give him has blinded you all with technology, illusions and perceptions of what people think are important, but I fear in the next few years you will finally understand change, and it won’t be the kind you want, but I don’t see anyone changing around me.  My wife is just the same, the kids are just the same, and the world seems to be just as uncaring, cold, calculating and devious as ever! ~smiles~

Let us cast off our inhibitions and fears, let us bring in a new dawn, let the world unite and join in force to tell those of power and money they no longer rule us, let us tell the Dark Lords their illusions have been seen and we truly know what the Thrown of Infinite Light looks like!!! ~cheers~

I don’t see it happening, but I am already on a roll doing my part.  I have been for months!

For some of you, you will just have to do the opposite of what you think until it becomes real and you understand why you should have been doing these things since the beginning ~smiles~.

Yes I am out of my Marijuana!!!  My insides have been bleeding really badly lately and I have been very ill, but I haven’t let it stop me from working out and doing cardio…I have just been needing a lot more sleep and down time.  I refuse to give up on my working out I don’t care if it is killing me!!!  I REFUSE TO WAIVER!!!

I can’t get Xanax or Valium ( I don’t like that shit anyways) because I had a meth problem that I quit 15 years ago ~sighs~, but for some reason even though I have severe mental ailments that require such medication to keep me from accidentally killing people, so I am forced to use street drugs even if I didn’t want too ~chuckles~.  I am out for a week or two, I will probably end up in the hospital or mental ward in the next few days ~sighs~.

I was walking the dog today (my 105 pound Rottweiler) and I haven’t had any pot, so I probably shouldn’t even be in public ~chuckles~, but I can’t let anything stop me from working out and the dog needs exercise or he becomes aggressive, so anyways, I’m about a block and a half away from this lady and she start yelling.  I thought she was saying “get your dog” because she was standing in front of someone’s house holding bags and I thought maybe she was waiting for a car to pull out or something…as I get closer she is yelling “is that your dog” to which I say, “yes” then she says “people who have just had cancer surgery shouldn’t be around big dogs” and being cordial I say, “Oh really, why is that?”  Then she has the gall to say “Use your brain!”  If she had been a guy she would have been in ICU for the next week or two, so I am glad it was a woman.  She was very mean too me, so I retorted back, “You’re Mean Lady!”  Then she says I’m mean because I am walking my fucking dog, so of course I had to ask her, “So did you have brain cancer and they cut the nice part out of our brain”  it went down hill from there.  Quincy leaped at her once he saw how angry she was making me!  I just told her she was a bitch and moved on!

I thought about it afterwards and perhaps she was a dementia/Alzheimer’s person wandering around the street, albeit we do have a few crazy houses in our neighborhood that house low-grade crazies.  I didn’t really feel bad though because the woman was untalkable too and she was just plain mean, but I guess if you don’t know who the fuck you are or why your standing in the middle of the road it could make one mean like me when my IERD goes off ~shrugs~.  It scared me more than anything because that might be me in several years ~sighs~.  However Marijuana is suppose to slow the onset of Alzheimer’s and Dementia ~smiles~.

When I leave Quincy and come back home he gets very excited and nips me with his front teeth..it hurts, so we are working on his separation anxiety ~smiles~.  He doesn’t even know why he has it, but he just knew one owner for 3 years then got dumped off at my house 2.5 weeks ago, so he doesn’t know why, but he has separation anxiety bad, but we’ll get him over that! ~smiles~

He tried to eat a couple kids at the bus stop this morning but they deserved it…I don’t know why dumb kids gotta tease a huge ass Hellhound?!  Of course a Rottweiler should never be in public without a leash on ~smiles~.  I take him to the hills and work on his “Come” commands…he is getting very good, but one thing about Rottweilers is once their mind is set on something it is very hard to break their concentration with yells, yips or claps, hence the reason they should be on a leash in public.

I do take him out back in our community park when the kids are in school and play tug o war with him and fetch.  I am getting a crapload more exercise now too but I think I figured it out as I am now only losing 2 pounds a week again instead of 5 ~cringes~.  I don’t want a bunch of nasty skin hanging off me when I get sexy!  Not that I don’t have a bunch of women trying to steal me from my wife anyways ~chuckles~.  It’s never going to happen!!!  I love my wife too much, although some of them hotties sure make me wanna….well you know! ~chuckles~

I’ve incorporated full body stretching to my routine and it has helped somewhat with my bursitis and arthritis, mostly I am doing it to prepare for Yoga when I get down to around 200, so I want to start getting limber and protecting myself from injuries ~smiles~.  I got a beginners video from TAMILEE WEBB…she’s hot! ~chuckles~  although most fitness instructors do have tight little bodies! ~smiles~

My friend gave me some Xanax but I don’t like it.  It actually makes me worse, but it does relax my muscles to point of jelly!  Hard to kick someone’s ass when you feel like jelly…but instead of being mad it creates severe anxiety in me which is ever worse because I shut down and blackout.  I blacked out the other day for over an hour, I have no idea what I was doing, where I was or anything.  I am praying that my disease is not manifesting itself with God’s Speed?! ~sighs~

If it gets too bad and I ever hurt or think I am going to hurt anyone I am going to take myself out!  Hopefully that will never happen!  I am getting healthier to try and live long enough to spoil my grandkids and make my children’s life a living hell! ~chuckles~ Ahhh…the vengeance of grandparents! ~cheers~.  My mom and dad come buy and take the kids out for Ice Cream for dinner sometimes…it pisses me off to no end!!!  My parents never gave us ice cream for dinner!!! ~chuckles~  As a matter of fact dinner was generally a knock down, drag out fight to get me to eat anything! ~chuckles~

Well I guess I should rap this novel up! ~smiles~

I wanted to put down this Pink Floyd Song because I think it relates to my first part of this blog:

"On The Turning Away"

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say
Which we won't understand

"Don't accept that what's happening
Is just a case of others' suffering
Or you'll find that you're joining in
The turning away"

 
It's a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting it's shroud
Over all we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that we're all alone
In the dream of the proud

On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite
In a silent accord

Using words you will find are strange
And mesmerized as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night

 
No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away
From the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It's not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there'll be
No more turning away?

I have a lot of good news for once! ~chuckles~

First on the agenda is: I am down to 295 pounds, I have transcended the 300-pound barrier!!! ~jumps for joy~ I now get some crest whitening strips for my reward.  I doubt I’ll get them though as we are following Dave Ramsey’s “Financial Peace” plan, so we are living like vagrants ~snickers~, but if the world doesn’t end it should pay off.

I have gripes because I am not getting the protein I need, but I guess I’ll just take it in stride.  It makes it very hard to gain muscle when you body must cannibalize itself for proteins, but at least I have them now ~chuckles~.

I am benching over 200 pound sets and curling 40 pounds per arm, so I am doing a lot better than last year ~snickers~.  My all time record was in high school I benched 325, but I have no desire to be that strong and doubt that I could physically achieve that, but who knows I am no longer 400 pounds and laying on my bed almost dead on 20+ medications! ~smiles~.

The next good news is I acquired a 3-year-old German Rottweiler named Quincy!  He is huge…he looks like he weighs about 130 pounds, but he only weighs 105 when I took him to the vet the other day.

He was raised by this gal named Amy…she seemed very sweet but she was working full-time and going to college full-time at night, so he was stuck at home all the time by himself which can make the breed very aggressive ~smiles~.  She raised him for 3 years…

He didn’t like children when I first got him last week and growled and leaped at Mariah…if you look at the new photos I put up you will see they get along great now! ~smiles~  I just had Mariah stuff yummy treats down his throat and gave him positive reinforcement and now he kisses her and let’s he get up in his face ~smiles~.  He is huge! ~smiles~

I have been working with him daily and training him…I need to buy some more treats because he really needs to work on his Heeling and his Come commands ~smiles~.  This has caused me to far and exceeds the amount of exercise I was already getting with my cardio, weight lifting and stretching! ~chuckles~  I lost 5 pounds in 3 days ~sighs~.  I like to lose 2 pounds a week so I don’t have a lot of extra skin left over when I get down to weight! ~smiles~

I got my companion prescription/note from my psychologist, so that I can have him in my apartment complex.  He stands at the bus stop with about 10 kids in the morning and doesn’t try and eat any of them anymore! ~smiles~.

He has really helped me with my depression and PTSD…I feel like I have another set of eyes and ears to back up my illusionary fears, so I don’t have to be on guard as much, and he keep me company when I am all alone…another great thing he does is when I start going ballistic he jumps on me to tell me I am getting crazy before I snap! ~smiles~  This could be very beneficial to many people I public ~chuckles~

It took about 3 days before Quincy would start marking territory.  This was a good sign that he realized this was now part of his domain and his home! ~smiles~  Now we play, wrestle, walk and love on each other ~smiles~.  He is a blessing and boon to my existence! ~smiles~  The entire family loves him and has found him therapeutic! ~smiles~

So for now everything is going great…we’ll see how long that lasts ~grins~…

I am down to 300 and been sticking there for the last week ~chuckles~.  There is delicate balance between weightlifting, cardio and losing weight, if I eat more and workout harder I tend to plateau on my weight loss as I gain more muscle, but if I lighten up the weightlifting and do more cardio then I lose weight, however I also lose strength ~sighs & chuckles~  So you can see my dilemma.

It’s starting to get really cold here around 30 degrees on my walks.  Julie bought me a cheapo Coleman poncho to wear when it rains and snows, but when it gets cold the material hardens up and scratches me.  It lasted about 3 walks (13 miles) and ended up tearing and going in the garbage ~chuckles~.

I had a $30 gift certificate to Cabelas from last Xmas I still haven’t spent ~chuckles~, so Julie and I went to Post Falls to Cabelas and I bought myself a Gortex rain/wind breaker.  It was $109, then there was 30% off that, and I had a $30 certificate, so I put it on layaway until Friday!

Gortex is a micro-fabric that allows vapors like sweat to leave your clothing while being too small to allow water droplets.  They also call this a breathable fabric, so all your heat and sweat don’t stay in, which is what I want because even when it is 30 degrees out there I am sweating like pig! ~chuckles~

I am very proud of Julie.  She has wanted to take control of our finances!  As many of you know we use to make really good money, but then I got terminal and tried to kill some bosses ~chuckles~.  Once you get use to living a certain way it is very hard for the ego to want to adapt to the downgrade ~smiles~.  So the last 3 years we have been sucking up credit and living from check to check to try and live as we were accustomed.  I had been tired of it for the last year or two, but Julie wasn’t ready ~smiles~.

She wouldn’t even let me have a pint of whiskey the other day because we couldn’t afford it, then I found out she bought a coffee and lunch.  Oh was I fucking pissed!!!  I don’t think she’ll be doing that anymore ~grins~.  No one wants to see me pissed off ~grins~.

So we are living like paupers and can’t even turn the heater on! ~chuckles~  It is going to take 6 months to a year, but it will be well worth it in the long run!

What actually started it is we didn’t have lunch money for my Mariah and then I went on a 10-minute spew apologizing to Mariah for her lack of food because mommy and daddy suck at money.  I think this made Julie cry because she ran into the bedroom and didn’t come out for a while ~sighs~.

It is hard for me to keep it together when I calmly tell someone they are pushing my buttons and crossing my boundaries, so eventually after months of not being listened too I generally go on a tirade that causes fear and apprehension around the household ~chuckles~.  And I tell them if they would just fucking listen to the 100,000 times I explain it over 2-3 months before I blow ~chuckles~.

Now that I have blown everything is back on track.  I don’t get any whiskey, but credit cards and bills are getting paid! ~smiles~  I don’t mind I can go without everything but my Marijuana, and I can go without it, just no one wants to be around me ~chuckles~.

Julie and I celebrated 16 years of marriage on the 7^th of November.  I don’t know how that woman puts up with me, but she does it with grace.  I think “G” and my wife come from the same exact mold ~chuckles~.  And that’s not a bad thing for the most part!!! ~smiles~  Julie’s ability to tolerate the amount of shit she does from society, work and family just astounds me! ~smiles~.  I am so blessed that Odin and Freya have seen fit to put a great Christian woman in my life! ~smiles~  I am sure that she will go to heaven for tolerating me alone.  I’m sure God will look down upon her, shake his head with a weary smile and ask her how she did it! ~chuckles~  I’m sure your much the same “G” ~smiles~.  I look forward to spending the rest of my life with her ~smiles~.

It’s Veteran’s Day, so I would like to thank all the warriors in this country and the world who fight for integrity, honor, and the freedoms of those to weak, cowardly, or unable to do it for themselves!!!  May you be blessed by the God’s with Berserker Rage, that you may come home safely to those who love you, and to all those awaiting in Valhalla, thank you for your commitment to freedom!!! ~cheers~

Oh it’s Veteran’s Day…that also means it’s my little princess’s birthday Mariah who is turning 7 today ~smiles~.  Malachi will be 16 on the 26^th.  He was born on Thanksgiving Day ~chuckles~.

We have a new president and I hope that all them hatemongering republicans out there will become part of the solution and quit being a part of the problem!!!  But we can only hope, I doubt it will happen…who would pay Rush Limbaugh or Jon Stewart to not cause dissention? ~chuckles~  Money is the most power demon in the world and even have great influence over the Christian Church, albeit you can’t get them to admit it ~chuckles~.

Well they shot down the gay marriage thing in California…why do Christians always support hate and the opposite of what Christ said to do?  Maybe we should just do away with religion all together.  It doesn’t seem to do anything but cause strife, hate, and war ~sighs~ on a larger scale.  Do you really think Jesus would have voted no on Prop 8?  No he would allow freewill and gladly conversed with them…you should really follow his example cause your all ruining the truth of the religion! ~smiles~

Maybe pot will get legalized now, we have a lame duck session coming up hopefully 2 things will pass…the HR for Marijuana and the middle class stimulus package! ~smiles~

Well I hope you all are fine!

Back to working out, I gained a couple pounds on my week off because I didn’t feel like adjusting 800 calories out of my diet ~chuckles~, plus it was beneficial to gain a little for the oncoming onslaught of weightlifting which I started this morning at 5am.

I went to the doctor yesterday and all my tests came back great!  He also noticed I lost another 11 pounds since I saw him last ~smiles~.  He is leaving his practice though to move back to Washington D.C.  He has been my doctor for like 15 years, now I have to find a new one ~chuckles~.  I am just glad that I am getting better.

I can’t remember the last time I had a cold or flu.  It’s been over a year, and I have only had 2 infections this year!!!  Not even MRSA and IDS can kick my ASS!!!  I am the ETERNAL CHAMPION!!!  A legend in my own mind! ~grins~.

I have a house inspection tomorrow, so I am busting my ass cleaning the house.  I don’t really mind cleaning except for the oven because I only do it every 3-6 months, so it gets pretty nasty, especially with my wife who doesn’t have to clean can spill whatever the hell she want in it ~sighs & chuckles~

I just got done mopping the floors, so I am waiting for them to dry so I can go out for my hour walk!  I got some Stablicers for the ice and snow, so I am ready for the Mother Nature to hit me full on so I can kick her butt too!!!

I woke up last night to Julie crying and Mariah crying that her mom hated her! ~sighs~  I get so little sleep why not wake up for a drama emergency?!  I guess Mariah said she didn’t like Julie and wanted a new mom ~sighs~.  Julie was trying to reconcile it this morning and I told her that is just the meanness of kids.  My brother and I use to call my mom a “meanie” because we knew it affected her, but we would always feel bad once we made her cry ~frowns~.  All kids have to learn their boundaries and sometimes it hurts the child and the adult ~chuckles~.

I went to the dentist and he was awe inspired by my teeth, I am 43 and not a single cavity!!!  However, he said my gums are shot and you can see roots on some of my molars, but I just ignore the pain since I live with it so much…what would make other people want to blow their head off is just a major annoyance for me ~chuckles~.  I have to go to a peritonitis and I think they will want to graph some tissue on my gums or give me some molar implants, but I am hoping a good cleaning will do the trick!!! ~smiles~

We got to puppy sit “Floppers”.  He is this cute little Cocker Spaniel puppy!!!  And when I say cute, I mean uber cute!  We all enjoyed his visit with us and had a blast playing with him.  He likes me the most I guess and would always come lay by me…dogs love me! ~smiles~  Cats fear me! ~grins~

All right, the floors have to be dry by now…I gotta go walk 4 miles ~smiles~

I am on my break from working out.  I always know when I am overtraining in weightlifting because I start getting weaker ~chuckles~, and I know when I am done too much in cardio because I start getting irritable, ache, and cold like symptoms ~smiles~.

This happens about 4-6 weeks, then I take a full week off to let my body rest up and then I am stronger than I was before! ~smiles~

I like my week off, but I always feel guilty like I’m being lazy or slacking because I have such a drive to finish what I start ~chuckles~.  And with very little patience and lots of obsessive nature it makes it that much harder, especially because I put on a pound or two during that week off ~chuckles~

It is freezing outside and my poor little fingers have been turning blue ~chuckles~, so I got some gloves they were marked down from $50 to $12..boy was my wife happy about that ~chuckles~.  They even have a little spout and cover so you can blow into the gloves without taking them off! ~smiles~.

I start back up tomorrow, so I don’t have that long too wait ~smiles~

I started incorporating “Stretching” into my 3 hour daily workout ~chuckles~.  The first day I crunched my bad disc in my lower back and screamed so loud I thought the police would show up ~chuckles~, but it doesn’t stop me from lifting my weights or jogging ~chuckles~, but it is making my joints feel a lot better ~smiles~

Julie is in Indianapolis for the week training for her new job.  She just got a 6k raise for a year, so now she is making $44K a year which kind of sucks because we would have qualified for food stamps and free lunches for Mariah, now we are $2k over that and still poor as hell and struggling ~chuckles~ with no help in sight ~sighs~.

The women of the area apparently know Julie is gone because they keep coming over ~chuckles~.  Some of them are quite hot too, but I would never do anything stupid like have sex with them, and not because I don’t want too, but I know I would feel so guilty, and I just don’t like feeling guilty, so by not committing a stupid action I won’t have to feel that guilt ~smiles~, problem solved! ~chuckles~  But I do like being surrounded by beautiful women, and I am quite the flirt ~grins~.  I don’t mind them coming over though because I get empty nest syndrome with everyone at school and in work.

One of Julie’s good friends are coming over after work tonight to play with Mariah, I guess so she can have some girl time…she already misses her mom ~chuckles~.  She is going to teach her some cheers for cheerleading ~smiles~.  And I have Theresa and her son Michael coming over for Tacos tonight, so I will see if Christina wants to eat dinner with us too!  Maybe I’ll even get a big bottle of booze! ~chuckles~

I put my name out everywhere for more volunteer work, but I guess no one wants me ~sighs~.  I have lots of skills ~chuckles~, I know I can help someone out there! ~smiles~

Mariah’s school started a computer lab and I put down there I would help…I owned a computer business as many of you know, and I am a Microsoft Office Master Specialist, and they are teaching it there to low income folks, but I guess they don’t need me ~sighs~, so I will continue to help the children in the neighborhood and clean up the garbage from litterbugs and walk the handicapped neighbor’s dog ~smiles~

Julie has been reading Norse/Viking literature lately?!  I think she is either trying to understand my ways, and me or just trying to show she loves me and by proxy learning about my ancestry and my spiritual views ~smiles~.

We had an argument a week or so ago, not a bad one, but enough to make her think about some things I said ~smiles~.  And she knew it was the truth, so I think she is just trying to understand.

As many of you know I was very sick terminally and chronically, I am still sick but no one can tell and my diseases have been causing less and less problems for me in the last year, greatly less! ~smiles~  Not bad for someone who was suppose to be dead over 2 years ago! ~smiles~

What most people don’t know and what I explained to my wife which she realized was true is:

When I gave up my spirituality and what I knew to be true, to make my wife and her parents happy by becoming a Christian is when I started getting sick, the longer I tried to be a Christian the sicker I got! ~sighs~  But I really wanted to be one, so my wife and her family would be happy and proud of me, but last year I revolted and basically said screw them all, I can’t take it anymore, so I went back to my spirituality, and since that time I have grown stronger, healthier, and have not been quite as insane, I know the insane part isn’t saying much ~chuckles~.

My wife and her family do not understand my miraculous recovery from worshipping heathen Gods ~chuckles~ (anything other than Christ).  I see it as an affirmation that I am in the right faith so I proposed this question to her and her parents?

Why would God miraculously heal a heathen?  Why do Native Americans, Muslims, Buddhist, etc. all receive miraculous healings?  Why would God heal those that don’t obey him?  We know the Devil/Dark Forces wouldn’t do that because apparently they get your soul if you don’t worship Christ ~chuckles~, so it would be in their best interest to let time take over ~smiles~.  Why does God give his own worshippers cancer and debilitating illnesses? ~smiles~  And why would a heathen be healed while people in her church are dying like I was?

The bottom line is we learn our religion/spirituality in our upbringing via geography, socialism, rearing, and personal experiences!  If you were born in Middle East you would be a Muslim and would know that Allah is the only God, if you were born in China you would know that Buddha was the prophet/mystic of the one truth!  If you are raised in the ghetto and told that white people hate you for being black and that pussy, guns and drugs is what really matters, then that is what you believe! ~smiles~

I now firmly believe that forced conversion is the worst thing you can do to anybody!  If someone wants to convert like I did that is one thing, and even that didn’t work for me ~smiles~, but it has for millions, so conversion itself isn’t necessarily bad, but invoked conversion is devastating and destroys the soul and kills any kind of trust! ~smiles~  I am pretty sure Christ wanted his religion to be one of “Attraction” and not “promotion” ~smiles~.

I love and like many Christians out there and I never say your wrong or your religion is wrong, so why do I always have to hear it? ~chuckles~  It just makes me sad, hurt and angry that I cannot just be loved for who I am and what I know to be true.  I mean if I was out killing kids or animals for sacrifice or purposely hurting people I could see someone wanting to convert me to something nicer, but I am not like that ~smiles~.

Besides without us warriors who will protect all your Christians in this world? ~smiles~  I know if anyone tries to hurt the people I love regardless of religion they will have me to deal with ~smiles~, both in the spiritual realm where I work my magic and in this one where I am a great physical presence ~smiles~.

I still haven’t found a puppy because like Gail mentioned they are expensive ~chuckles~, and I want a huge dog like a Rottweiler or a Mastiff.  I can keep up on the food, shots, etc.  I just don’t have the initial $400 to buy one, so I guess when God wants me to have one it will show up free ~chuckles~, until then I will just deal with the depression and lonesomeness ~smiles~

I have been out of pot for 5 days ~cringes~, luckily people who know and understand my PTSD and IERD have come by everyday to ensure that I am mellow ~smiles~.  Julie will be getting paid every two weeks here soon, since Liberty Mutual bought out SAFECO, that will be nice then there will be no lapses between my medications ~smiles~

I had to do my quarterly blood testing yesterday, I hope they can’t find anything wrong with my kidneys now, then I’ll write a book about the mind and how to destroy disease!  I’ll get you guys to help me make it a best seller ~chuckles~.

OK, I’m sure all your eyeballs are getting tired by now…best wishes and love to all! ~smiles~